To despise my own child?

[Jambalaya76]

He is 6. Very well behaved at school. Impeccable in fact. But at home he is a monster. Demanding, rude, hurtful, violent, very needy, destructive and not nice to be around. We have tried to get help from the school and have used behaviour modifying techniques, using rewards and consequences to actions. But he is very trying and I find my patience is low with him. It's like he enjoys trouble and being shouted at.
I do love him, but can't stand him at the same time. I desperately need help because I want to make our relationship better and give him better childhood memories other than being shouted at. Any help
Please?

Your son is acting up to get more attention. You should give him attention at times he is not being naughty. Catch him being good. Take him out and have fun together. Give him lots of hugs and cuddles. Show him he does not need to be bad to get attention. Ignore bad behaviour difficult i know. If you no longer shout and scream and get worked up he will not bother to do it.

I've only read the OP, and am pretty wound up by it. DS (then DSS) was exactly as you describe at that age, and through his childhood. It was very tough, but while I'd use the words frustrated, irritated, emotional and upset, my love for him was a constant. You despise your own child? What the fuck...

I'll now go RTFT.

OP I could have written your post about my 7yo DS. He has no formal diagnosis but my mum, a retired social worker of 40 years, believes he is on the autistic spectrum and I am changing my parenting of him with this in mind. It's baby steps but he is responding. What I need to keep reminding myself is that he's not choosing to behave badly, he's trying his best and my job is to help him.

JustOneShadeOfGrey so what if there are “similar” posts. The *OP needs help.

"If you didn’t have an older child who was so different you probably wouldn’t be this upset about the younger child."

I don;t think that is at all true. My child was an only child for years and we were very aware that something was not quite right even though it ended up being 13 years before she was diagnosed as being on the spectrum.

The OP''s description of her son does not sound 'normal' to me. He sounds very troubled and being around a very troubled child can be very diffiuclt. Knowing why (if there is a reason) that he behaves in this way would be helpful for the OP. Just assuming it is all normal seems to be pushing it under the rug a bit.

Steeve it's terrible that you had trouble with your child and it is great that you felt love for them but the OP has not said she doesn't love her child. She has described very strong emotional feelings about her child.

I've felt very angry and un-pleasant feelings for my kids at times. Maybe even sometimes because you love them so much that you feel such anger and frustration at the way family life can turn out.

I also think we sometimes use words differently, and it may be that the OP actually despises the behaviour that her son is producing, not necessarily actually despising her son. The fact she is here asking for help shows she wants things to get better.

Yes, ItalianGreyhound, I recognise my post wasn't exactly helpful.

Having now caught up, there's so much you've said that I can directly relate to DS. His primary school headteacher was convinced he has autism because everything in his behaviour she experienced with her daughter. You need to push, and be prepared to have to push hard because getting results out of CAMHS is like getting blood from a stone. We were told we were "bad" parents, and had the wonderful experience of Social Services (utter wankers).

He was kicked out of mainstream high school. It took until he was almost 18 before we got a diagnosis, 12 years of fighting.

Even if he isn't on the spectrum it's worth having it excluded (and if they say he hasn't ask for a second opinion). I'm really sorry you're going through this, I remember our stress levels were maxed out constantly.

Most definitely keep a diary, and be strong. Your parenting will be questioned and examined in minute detail.

Steeve

@Lalliella what a foul post. Letting your child access a tablet and playing with them 1-1 are not mutually exclusive. There are some children who may be different to yours and find hours of endless playing exhausting, and need some downtime, with a tablet for instance. Parents who allow this but then realise it needs to be restricted are parenting by setting boundaries. It's the exact opposite of lazy parenting.

I also don't think any parents on here don't bother playing with their dc. I see a lot of deeply thoughtful posts from parents who have challenging dc and are lovingly trying to cope and give them the best life possible.

Good for you if your child enjoyed their playmobil for hours on end. Mine does too, and has a brilliant imagination with it, he also enjoys crafting. But that doesn't stop him also finding other areas of life incredibly difficult. If you are reading these posts and deducing that they're all related to children accessing YouTube while their parents sit around in the background then you've entirely missed the point.

This is a very sad post

Could there be attachment issues?

Did you have any PND after he was born?

Generally if it's ASD etc then the behaviour won't only happen at home.

Hurting animals is a red flag, this would worry me greatly.

I'd recommend getting him assessed.

This is a very sad post Could there be attachment issues? Did you have any PND after he was born? Generally if it's ASD etc then the behaviour won't only happen at home. Hurting animals is a red flag, this would worry me greatly. I'd recommend getting him assessed.

Sorry that's entirely not true as several people have already said. It's very common for children with ASD to hold it all in school and the explode at home. It's actually quite typical.

I could have written your post op. My 8 year old is very difficult at home but shy, quiet and well behaved at school. Ds1 (12) has always been an extremely easy child but ds2 drives us to distraction! I have spoken to the school liason officer for support and he is under the senco as they suspect some form of asd. I love him so much but sometimes I don't like him at all. It can be draining.

Your advice is something I will try immediately.

Great things to try but don't panic if you can't use some of these suggestions. TrainSong's strategy has two meltdown triggers for my DS and it wouldn't have been safe. Hugging and physical love-bombing can be risky for children who are sensory defensive - I had to warn DS that a hug was on the way and give him a chance to get out of it.

But having said that, do give it a go, if it doesn't work for your DS there will be other things you can try instead. I had to do a lot of trial and error and figuring out and get a lot of professional advice before I got to some of the things that worked for my DS. I ended up with a real mix'n'match of different things!

When you say he tries to hurt your little dog, how ‘badly’ does he try and hurt it? Is it a response to the dog ‘hurting’ him (for example standing on his foot, so he purposefully stands on its foot) or does he take anger out on the dog?

Cheeeeislifenow

"It's very common for children with ASD to hold it all in school and the explode at home. It's actually quite typical."

Dd was fine at school and I also assumed if she could handle school it was not ASD. But it is. We know that now. It attempts over about 7 years to actually get a diagnosis.

@Italian my DS is still a trouble maker at school but not to the extent we see at home, he would have been expelled if he was,at grandparents house etc you wouldn't even know he is on the spectrum bar a few "odd" quirks... He says himself he is not the same there as he knows they wouldn't understand why he behaves like that.
It's very hard most people even hcp find it difficult to comprehend how bad he is at home, I have recorded him discreetly before when cahms we're about to discharge us..

"I have recorded him discreetly before when cahms we're about to discharge us.."

Good idea. You need evidence sometimes. CAMHS are now quite good with us bit only because school eventually backed us up!

Is there any underlying condition? My son has Aspergers and saved his vilest behaviour for me, at home. There were days I felt my own child hated me. I felt hopeless as a mum until his diagnosis and the understanding it brought.

Speak to your GP. You (and possibly him) need some help.

@Jambalaya76

I can't believe how similar my post is to the other person. I assure you we are not the same person. I hope she/he has read this thread and can get the same reassurance I have had from you lovely people x

Just posting to say that we've taken down the other thread mentioned here as we had some major concerns about the OP.

We can see no connection between the OP of that thread and this one, who's a long-term member of the site.

Sorry for the interruption, OP.

Thank you. It was almost word for word wasn't it!

He sounds bored. Surely he does things at home other than go on his iPad?
Does he do any sport? My DS is similar. High energy and used to follow me round as a toddler getting in the way, unable to entertain himself even for 5 mins 😩
So we kept him busy with gymnastics, going outdoors, lots of play dates. He is good at footie and was playing matches by this age.
Even now he is older he gets bored but is at age when he can message mates, go out to park & will go out in garden on his own to play footie.
My eldest is also much easier and is independent. They are all different.
Maybe sit with him & plan the day or week so he gets some say in what you do. Obviously he can't dictate all the activities. But at school there is a very predictable routine. Maybe he likes that.
We used to do marble jar too & DD wasn't that interested but DS loved getting marbles if he was good. The kids had a say in the rewards too.
Agree you need to tell him you love him and keep smiling with him.
There are loads of things you can do to keep him busy but it does require effort unfortunately. Baking, board games, park, Lego etc.

My 3 year old loves being shouted at, nothing will make her continue doing something more than me getting wound up by it. The only thing that works is removing her or the thing she's destroying from the situation and not commenting at all. She'll scream and shout but not for long when she's getting no reaction. It takes a lot of self control not to argue with her because she knows exactly how to push my buttons.

My 3 year old loves being shouted at

Or your three year old has found that by doing things that make you shout, it's the only way to get your undivided attention.

oyster I don't know of any child or young person who likes being shouted at. I've taught hundreds over the years. It is probably to get your attention.

Read about Pathological Demand Avoidant children. What you have described sounds like that.
Don't beat yourself up. Its really hard.

And even if your son doesn't have ^PDA the techniques to manage it may be useful to you.

When DD is having a playing up phase I force myself to take the bright and cheery route as much as possible, even though its bloody hard sometimes! She does something naughty / provocative "don't do that because X/Y/Z. If you do it again A/B/C will happen" carry on with cheery disposition, chatting to other DDs etc. If she does it I just do what I said I would in consequence and carry on without letting it affect my mood.

Also try to seek out quieter, more receptive moments and give extra affection. Doesn't have to be hugs or kisses but definitely one on one attention, praise, interest in their day/ life, show them that you care in some particular way that they will appreciate etc,

Sendings hugs