To despise my own child?

[Jambalaya76]

He is 6. Very well behaved at school. Impeccable in fact. But at home he is a monster. Demanding, rude, hurtful, violent, very needy, destructive and not nice to be around. We have tried to get help from the school and have used behaviour modifying techniques, using rewards and consequences to actions. But he is very trying and I find my patience is low with him. It's like he enjoys trouble and being shouted at.
I do love him, but can't stand him at the same time. I desperately need help because I want to make our relationship better and give him better childhood memories other than being shouted at. Any help
Please?

Jambalaya if you are interested in Positive Parenting techniques, I recommend the books Positive Parenting by Jane Nelsen. She explains why every step of the conversations you have work.

E.g. that example with the dog, she explains how to shift the emphasis away from his bad behviour to previous examples of good behaviour. this isn;t just reinforcement, its way for him not to lose face, which is very important for defiant children. You are giving him control of choice: the question what could you do to make him wag his tail now not only distrsct shim from hurting the dog and moves the conversation away from negatives to positives, it puts him in charge of something he and you are happy for him to be in charge of: making the dog happy.

So it is quite complicated and subtle but it tranmsformed our family life.

Oh OP I understand

One of mine, now 18, was and is challenging
He has
Shoplifted
Stolen from my purse
Thrown a kitten down stairs
Started a fire alledgedly (no actual proof it was and he did not smell of smoke or anything to be fair)
That was all when he was under 13 .
Now he is arrogant, moody, can be aggressive and is basically not that nice
He has 4 DBs and DSs and none of them are like him at all
He however was not clingy , quite the opposite , as he is not one for affection.

My eldest DS was like that at 6. He grew out of it and turned into a lovely teenager. The best tip I can give is to say I would really like you to do this and then turn away. I found that after a few minutes he would do what I asked and then we would have lots of hugs because he had done so well. I also agree with keeping them busy. My DS did an active after school club every night and at least one at the weekend. I spent hours playing football in the garden with him or chasing him around the house. He was then too tired to be naughty.

GreyGardens88

Whenever he is bad don't react, just lock him in a bare room with no tea, sill soon straighten him out

!!!!!

@train

Lots of good advice but especially train. Really good directives.

Although also she makes a distinction. There has to be a clear line between:

• not following rules / social / wanting stuff - try lots of the positive stuff, read the books, redirect, set things up better, more structure, rewards etc etc. a lot of different techniques.

And

• HARMING OTHERS - be very, very clear. Stern but not shouting. Be in charge. Do not let harm happen under any circumstances and do not then reciprocate by harming back - e.g, shouting, losing it are also low levels of harm.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3514547-Really-dont-like-dss

Is this the same OP?????

Have you looked at his diet. I have 4 DS, 3 of them really suffered if they had any sugar in thier diet, especially in the morning. It was like Jekyll & Hyde. Complete melt down when they came out if school, violent , tearful , you name it , we had it . Maybe at the weekend try a no sugar day and see if there is any improvement in his behaviour. It's hard, I know .

I can't believe how similar my post is to the other person. I assure you we are not the same person. I hope she/he has read this thread and can get the same reassurance I have had from you lovely people x

Ok well if you’re not the same OP then fair enough. If you are then I think it’s highly relevant that you are this boys step mum and he was separated from his biological mother as a baby. There are bound to be attachment issues at play if so

You must be the same person! Too many similarities and identical words used in your op not to be the same...

I agree. Very similar but I am
Not in an adoption situation. hope that the other person is genuine as it's almost word for word what I wrote. Quite annoyingly really. I have come on here for genuine advice and hope the other person has too x

And thank you again for everyone's time taken to give advice

My son has PDA, op others who don't have children will never understand how hard it is. It is another level of parenting which is draining, debilitating and you get nothing back.
Personally I lower all demands, he does mostly nothing that causes him a demand. I pick pick pick my battles.
Traditional consequences do not work and the amount of people who have suggested star charts is completely ridiculous.
I try to find the small positives and work with that.
And I am sure I sound very negative but walk a mile in the shoes of a parent with PDA...then you can judge
My DS is almost 14. He is violet, wishes me and our family dead most days, calls me horrific names and picks on very specific insecurities I have. He deliberately annoys people and seems to thrive on chaos and ager.
Look up the PDA website it has a good checklist, and even if it's inconclusive the website offers lots if strategies which are very useful x

Sorry should read don't have children with PDA

Please go and see your GP on your own, take a list of all your son's behavioural difficulties and ask the GP for a referral to a paediatrician.

I'm not suggesting he is autistic, but his behaviour of holding it all together at school and letting the cork out of the shaken bottle at home is a familiar pattern for kids who are not coping.

I don't think he's naughty, or acting up for attention. You have other kids who you parent in the same way, so it can't be a parenting problem. Please try and see his behaviour as a cry for help, he doesn't know how to ask you any other way. He isn't being naughty, he just can't cope.

Simply googling good behaviour in school bad behaviour at home throws up a shedload of links, here are just a few, I think you may recognise the pattern.

www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/school-home.aspx

faithmummy.wordpress.com/2016/09/08/three-things-that-happen-when-your-autistic-child-is-different-at-home-and-at-school/

blogs.shu.ac.uk/autism/2014/11/18/good-behaviour-at-school-not-so-good-at-home/?doing_wp_cron=1550791935.3838129043579101562500

themighty.com/2015/10/delayed-effect-child-with-autism-melts-down-at-home-not-at-school/

A 6 year old doesn’t need an iPad. Take it away from him. My DS used to play endlessly with his Playmobil at that age, using imaginative play. Give him some attention, sit down and play with him. Give him positive feedback and encouragement when he behaves well.

Please try this: next time he is full of rage, doing something that he knows is wrong which you suspect is deliberate provocation and you are at your wits end, give him a big hug instead. I tried this when mine were small and realised that it really defuses the situation. When they are out of control like that I think they can't stop and then scare themselves, and to know that you love them regardless means a lot. It is surprising how it can take the wind out of their angry sails and make it a positive moment instead. It is hard to do it and not to yell, I know! Also try to challenge yourself to ignore the bad stuff and celebrate the good behaviour. Can you take him out one to one and do some activities together? Maybe go and decorate some pottery plates or something that requires quiet sitting down together somewhere neutral that is just the two of you?

Just RTFT and I cannot believe that there are parents on here who let 4 or 5 year olds watch YouTube! What on earth is the matter with you? And you wonder why your kids have behaviour problems? Do you not know what’s on there? It is completely lazy parenting. Stop it now! Play with your kids! I’ll probably get flamed for this but I don’t care. What on earth is the world coming to?

Yes query autism with professionals. Some children can hold it together all day at school and let go at home. At the same time use a few tricks to quell the behaviour. My son annoys hell out of younger brother too. Meal times would be a kick off moment....frustrating. Hold your nerve. Give body language facial expression....I do a blank expression on my face..say this is not appropriate then speak in conversation to partner about PlayStation qualities versus Xbox which I know nothing about...This diverts his attention and makes him focus much more. I consciously ignore son whilst chatting then say " Great to see you eating / sitting " with a nod of approval. He is a work in progress. He is also on autistic spectrum at mainstream.

Jambalaya76 this sounds very hard. You have my sympathy.

I hope you get an assessment and help.

In the mean time I really recommend this book - The Parenting Puzzle: Your Guide to Transforming Family Life: How to Get the Best Out of Family Life Spiral-bound – 1 May 2003 and this course familylinks.org.uk/the-nurturing-programme.

It may help you to cope.

DonaldTwain

"I think you need to try and look at this neutrally and accept that if he can function appropriately in the school environment but not in the home one, something in the latter needs to change."

This is not necessarily the case. Home is a safe place where a child can be themselves. They might be seething with rage or frustration at school but they can keep a lid on it from 9.00 to 3.00. After 3.00 they come home and like a fizzy bottle of coke that has been shaken up, their emotions are all over the place.

My dd is on the spectrum, she coped at school but it all came out at home. She is now 14 and there are lots of issues but she copes better.

I do agree that "Data collection is the first thing you need to do. When he has a meltdown, record what has happened immediately before. You may see patterns." is a good idea though.

I think you may want to read up on autism and try out techniqiues for parenting children who are different. One of my chidlren is on the spectrum and a birth child, and one is adopted. They both present frustrations and anxiety for different reasons. But interstingly the way to deal with it seems to be the same.

Calmness (modelling it form them - which I find bloody hard)
Boundaries but not being too rigid (I am a push over so that is hard)
Trying to find moments of fun (we bake cakes, we play short board and card games, we eat sweets, we watch movies, we try and find things that build connection and we try and do things they like, swimming, bowling etc for fun)

My heart goes out to you because it is so very difficult and you've said here what many people think from time to time.

For your own peace of mind I would be very firm about the dog, I'd also remind your son, however small the dog may be, it could bite him if he hurts it.

Calmness (modelling it for them...

And yes, self refer to CAMHS (or you can go via GP). You need to really explain what is happening at home.

You can get a referral from school but if they don't see the behavior they won't be able to help much.

Both my kids are hard work at home and presented as near angels at school. Then a teacher saw my kids together for a few mins and said, we don't see that (behaviour) at school! School just do not see everthing!

Read " the explosive child" and see if you can identify your ds in this book ?
Some kids with sensory processing issues and / or high functioning autism can hold things together at school and let lose at home..... the tension builds all day , Trying to be good and fit in at school and then they explode at home , when they feel safe .
He might be having meltdowns at home not being naughty or tantrums???
Do a little research in this area and see if he meets any criteria.
Then, if you feel he does, seek help through your school, go, health visitor????
Best of luck

Apologies if these have been suggested already, it's late and I didn't read the thread but didn't want to scroll and not comment.

Love bomb him. Hug him briefly even if he shrugs you off and say " you might not need a hug but I do". Be jolly and use a sing song voice around him. Fake it till you make it. Ignore as many of the negatives as you can or comment briefly "oh dear" and then distract/move on. Praise small things. Don't ignore him when he is being quiet or good. I know those few minutes of peace are precious but that's when you should positively interact with him. You'll get more of those moments when he realises you'll interact with him when he is behaving and not just when he's not. Give him targets such as play quietly for 5 minutes whist I do x and y then I'll play with you. Make sure you keep your promises.

You need to redefine your relationship into positive interaction rather than negative.

I too am suspicious of the “similar” posts.

If you are genuine, do not self diagnose a “condition” or “disorder”. If you didn’t have an older child who was so different you probably wouldn’t be this upset about the younger child. He sounds pretty normal to me - just pressing your buttons and pushing the boundaries. Just continue with your routine, use rewards/consequences and keep reminding him you love him.