To despise my own child?

[Jambalaya76]

He is 6. Very well behaved at school. Impeccable in fact. But at home he is a monster. Demanding, rude, hurtful, violent, very needy, destructive and not nice to be around. We have tried to get help from the school and have used behaviour modifying techniques, using rewards and consequences to actions. But he is very trying and I find my patience is low with him. It's like he enjoys trouble and being shouted at.
I do love him, but can't stand him at the same time. I desperately need help because I want to make our relationship better and give him better childhood memories other than being shouted at. Any help
Please?

I would get rid of the iPad completely - my dd is 4 and she’s usually no bother at all but I notice that if she starts to spend more time on the iPad her behaviour changes and she becomes very stroppy and challenging. We stopped it all together and all the negative behaviour stopped. She can now use it in small doses. Also what exactly is he watching on the iPad? I find my dd is fine watching the kids iPlayer but any YouTube viewing and her attitude and behaviour starts going south. Seriously, take it away completely for a couple of weeks and really spend time engaging with him - plan lots of time outside and activities when you’re inside and just see if this alone results in any change. Also, if he’s clingy then hes trying to get more attention and reassurance from you - pushing him away will only make it worse. Lots of cuddles, reassurance that you love him and he is special and focused attention should really help. And however much he annoys you, try not to lose your rag and shout. I’m not judging because I do it too sometimes but I think if you want to see a change in his behaviour then you’ll have to make some changes yourself and shouting probably isn’t helping anyone. I know when I shout that really it is just a release for me, it’s not helpful to my kids, it’s just me momentarily losing control of my emotions.

A very good friend of mine is having the same issues with her dd who is similar age. Fab in school although has poor concentration but completely unleashes when walking out the school gate. Her three other kids are totally fine. The child's school SN lead teacher is actually her form tutor and has suggested to my friend she may have traits of ADHD. It's not uncommon for kids to just manage to get through a school day relatively ok but to cause havoc at home with this.

Do you think your son could be the same?

Bin the iPad.

Buy ear plugs for the following around and whining/being rude. When kicks off or deliberately damages anything, don't get angry, get calm. Nothing more frustrating for a kid who thrives on pushing the buttons to find out they don't have that power anymore. Replace things that don't belong to him, don't replace anything of his that he damages. If he moans about it 'It's a shame you threw it/stamped on it/etc, but, oh well'.

The only thing that needs a more obvious response is violence. But still calm.

Then you respond to positive things as though the negatives haven't happened. It's the only way he gets to learn that he has attention when he behaves appropriately.

Have another chat with school - he might behave well, but be generally detested by his classmates because he's actually like it with them, too. And if there's a possibly of needing to be assessed by CAMHS.

I think you need to try and look at this neutrally and accept that if he can function appropriately in the school environment but not in the home one, something in the latter needs to change. It’s not about whether you are a good or bad parent. It’s about understanding what the triggers for his behaviour are and removing them.
Data collection is the first thing you need to do. When he has a meltdown, record what has happened immediately before. You may see patterns.

Just to add I recently read an article which struck a cord with me, some children are impeccable at school and suppress their behaviour and emotions in and then when they come out of school and come home, it's a relief, a release. They can relax, they can let that guard down and express their emotion (although he might be expressing it in the wrong ways) he feels his most comfortable with you, so you see him "warts and all".

If he can behave at school op I doubt there is anything wrong with him,but he does sound very angry at you for some reason. What consequences do you impose on him for his bad behaviour? Whatever they are they should be carried out in a calm and consistent manner,with plenty of love,cuddles and positive attention given when he is behaving nicely.

Have you seen the AHA parenting website? I have a strong willed 3 year old and find it really helpful, he's the sort of child that I don't think shouting at him would even work! But the positive parenting tips on the AHA parenting website really do make him manageable

It’s very common for kids who are struggling to give it their all to hold it together at school then unleash at home.

I mean this kindly, but you have to look at the language you have used to describe him. You sound tired out with worry too.
Your son knows that you are frustrated with him and children are not slow at picking up these things.
You are the adult. He is only six.
He follows you. He's asking for your attention and reassurance and this is hard when we are busy, it must be hard for you and frustrating but could you try to aim to consciously give him a fixed period every day of some non critical full on attention time - you may have to bite your tongue and don't expect quick/magic results.. it will take time.
Think of some nice stuff you could both do and resolve during that time not to tell him off. Only look at the good. The cinema, or make some cakes together. Take him out to the park with no objective in mind, no tasks, the only objective is to not be cross with him, just for 15-30 mins. If its not working then stop, change the scene and do something else.

If he loves his ipad, instead of using its absence for punishment. Sit down with him and play a game on it with him. Use it for learning, kindle ect.. there's loads of educational apps, you could do together. It can be hard to break the spell of a phase like this but you can change things if they are not working.

My son has PDA. I know exactly how you feel!

Sounds like my eldest. I even mentioned it to the teachers but they couldn't understand that the sweet child they had in class was so different at home.
A couple of book recommendations that may help: the incredible years, and parenting puzzle.

We find that the more stimulation the worse the behaviour at the end of the day. So we don't let them have access to the iPad, because when they do play on it their behaviour is atrocious afterwards.
We try charts but it's really hit and miss.
This half term has been hard as the routine has all changed.

My son was an angel at school but a nightmare at home. He was actually being bullied - he was holding it all in at school but releasing the stress at home. If a child can control their behaviour at school but not at home there is a reason why. I think you need to delve deeper into what is happening to him when you are not around. He could also just have severe anxiety - but something is up.

Does he seem worse when you ask him to do something? Do consequences mean nothing? Is he worse when something bad/humiliating (such as a public telling off) has happened at school?

There are some great articles on PDA, I have to go now but will have a look later and see if I can find them, we’re further on in the journey but early on the information was invaluable. We’ve changed tactics with DD, normal parenting methods do not work on her but we’ve found some that do. It’s still hell at times though.

It may not be PDA OP (and some people still think it’s a load of crap made up to make bad parents feel better, you must just ignore that as it won’t help you) but it may be worth a look to see if it fits.

Well next year he’ll be old enough to start boarding, consider your problem solved (term time at least)

His behaviour can be sometimes disturbing. He sometimes tries to hurt our small dog. We tell him not to, talk about it calmly, he says sorry, but then will do it again the next day.
I do hug him lots, he sometimes pushes me away. He doesn't like kisses. We are a tactile family so I don't understand why he is like this. He definitely doesn't like being asked to do things. His default is no.
I have asked about bullying at school. They say he is not being bullied but I guess teachers don't see everything. Meh likes to do what he wants to do and not all the kids at school want to do what he does, so it's common for him to play on his own, his own game, but not always. He does play with a small group of friends at school

Gregory haha we have considered it

I think it's hard for people to sympathise if they haven't also had a challenging child. My Ds2 (of 4) has always had a much more challenging temperament than his brothers, even as a baby he was very unhappy and jealous. As he gets older it's easy to get stuck in a vicious circle, where they are difficult, so you are snappy, so they are difficult etc.
The biggest thing that helps with my challenging child is one on one time, even if it's only 15 minutes, but spending it completely uninterrupted and with him choosing the activity - up thread someone suggested spending time together on the iPad and I think that's a good idea too. It does help to focus on catching them doing things right and on also spending plenty of time on your eldest and rewarding their behaviour similarly.

The other thing - easier said than done - is making sure you don't typecast. They can change with age and circumstances. Ds2 has been and still is often in the habit of being quite unpleasant to his brothers close in age, but with the new baby he's been able to start fresh and he is so caring and supportive, and has let him try a new role. Hopefully your son can also age out of this!

If it's really unmanageable I'd suggest trying family counselling and then also seeing if they'd suggest any further investigations for him. This situation doesn't sound sustainable or healthy for any of you.

So I know what that feels like. To have a child who is constantly - as in every waking moment - pushing your buttons.

I don't know if there's any solutions to this behaviour apart from consistent boundaries. A steady and firm application of the rules. Also I would make him earn time on the iPad for good behaviour. He shouldn't just get the iPad by the by.

Hug him as often as you feel able. Tell him you love him as often as you can too.

I know it sticks in your craw when he's been beastly but when you look back in seven years, you'll be so glad you gave him this affirmation.

Had I not had three other children, I would have thought this behaviour normal.

My ds, now 14, was very difficult. An angel at school. Very academically able.

Constant rages from the age of two until 10.

Violence like throwing his car seat around, smashing toys, throwing and smashing remote controls, kicking cars.

Damaged his bedroom twice by tearing out light fittings, spraying ink everywhere.

General hostility and would never ever do what was asked of him. Asking him to get dressed or clean his teeth would provoke a rage.

We were all so depressed and lost.

My dd, two years younger than him, detests him now because of all the distress he has caused her. He can't stand her.

My GP didn't believe me. We paid for two counsellors over the years. They didn't make a difference.

He still makes us late for everything because I think he needs to have a feeling of control. I lie about when we need to leave now.

He's still surly and a bit hostile. He now sees a male counsellor once a week. I know he cherishes that hour.

It's so hard. He was constantly told off for his poor behaviour. And now he's very defensive.

For your sake, find a counsellor if you can. GPs aren't really helpful and CAMHS is stretched to the limit. I think your ds may be too young anyway.

Make sure you get rest yourself. Look after yourself.

It's very tough. It must be bad for a parent to feel so negatively towards their child. You have my every sympathy in this situation.

He is clingy so we try to get him to try new things and play with friends. But he doesn't like to do anything apart from be at home and go on his iPad.

Then just let him cling. He needs to. And don't push more social interaction on him for the time being - school might be as much social activity as he can cope with just now. That is OK.

The various things you say suggest that he might possibly have an underlying problem. At least something a bit unusual going on. Possibly autism-spectrummy. So I do agree with pp about talking to your health visitor. The HV advised me to go on a parenting course while I waited for a referral to the child psychologist. And the parenting course was a big help to improve things at home while we waited, even though my DS did turn out to have a diagnosable condition and he needed longer term help as well. In the short term our relationshp improved a lot, and in long run things did get a lot better for DS as well.

A Triple P parenting course turned our family around. I thought I'd hate it, thought it would be all naughty step etc. But it wasn't, it was really positive. I'd read how to talk so children will listen, playful parenting etc. But doing a course in a structured way made it simple.

There was a lot of time taken to focus on the positive before learning methods to manage behaviour. Then there were choices and different things to try out. Its not perfect, but I threw myself into it and it has been great.

Worth checking out if it's available nearby OP and have a read.

My youngest is 5, he has always been a bit more temperamental, shall we say, than me eldest was at his age. The best way I find of feeling with him is to make him realise that he is hurting my feelings and upsetting me with his actions. I will let him know that I am upset. I don't shout. If he talks to me I talk back to him, but I make sure he knows I am hurt until he says sorry, then when he says sorry, he genuinely means it because he realises that he has hurt me and he doesn't want to see me upset.

Praise any non-bad behaviour, even stuff that seems tiny. So, he gets in the car sensibly and does his seatbelt..."thank you for getting in the car so nicely". He walks round the supermarket with you without dramas "it's so lovely when you walk round sensibly with me".

Dealing. Not feeling

"Despise" is a very strong word, like hate but with revulsion & contempt thrown in.

He will know you don't like him.

Hurting the dog is a worrying sign. Has anyone/anything else had cruelty directed at them? I think I'd be speaking to the GP.

I cannot stress this enough, you need to buy The Explosive Child and change the way you parent him.

My son has PDA, he sounds very similar to yours, The Explosive Child and looking at PDA techniques (the PDA society has lots of resources) can help to make improvements.
He may not be autistic, but not all children respond well to typical parenting.