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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister not coming to my 40th

168 replies

EC22 · 20/02/2019 13:35

I’m pretty devastated. She lives abroad but is usually over 3/4 times per year, she was here for a friends engagement in November, back at Christmas and is back in the summer for a friends wedding.
My party is on Saturday, has been booked since last April and she told me on Monday she can’t afford to come. I am so upset and angry. I think I’m probably unreasonably angry as my sister is generally very selfish but I just think I’ll find this hard to forgive.

OP posts:

Schuyler · 21/02/2019 14:58

I understand you feel upset and I think I would too but she just can’t afford it. Despite her non attendance, I do hope you have a lovely birthday. :)

Some posters are colossal twats about birthdays and weddings. Apparently nobody but you and your partner gives a shit. Back in planet real world, most people do care very much about weddings of close friends and immediate family because we care about our loved ones. I don’t love big parties, they make my anxiety sky rocket but I join in with the excitement because I love my close friends and immediate family and I’m not a dick. Ok, I’m not going to fly a few thousand miles for a non-close friend’s 42nd birthday dinner in Nando’s but I certainly would make every effort to come for a special party for my sister. If I couldn’t afford it, I’d speak to her and not leave it last minute because it’s polite.

Confusedbeetle · 21/02/2019 15:08

It almost certainly didn't occur to her you would feel like this. It seems a recent thing to make a fuss over a 40th. Its a birthday, just that, you have one every year. If you want to have a party, fine, have fun. Not everyone thinks its a big deal. I certainly wouldn't travel to go to a bbirthdayparty

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 21/02/2019 15:29

She knows me very well, we are close. She knows it was important.

Yet you call her selfish and start a thread on MN banging on about how hard done by you are due to her.

Grow up!

It's fine to celebrate your birthday with a big party, but throwing your teddy out the pram when others don't arrange their lives to come to it should be something you leave behind in primary school.

downcasteyes · 21/02/2019 15:33

"Back in planet real world, most people do care very much about weddings of close friends and immediate family because we care about our loved ones."

Exactly, well said!

I think some people on Mumsnet don't really have friends, just acquaintances or people they know in a half-social, half-competitive kind of a way. Must be weird.

brew0andbiscuits · 21/02/2019 15:46

Could she be suprising you for your birthday, OP?

brew0andbiscuits · 21/02/2019 15:46

*surpise!!

KrazyKatlady · 21/02/2019 15:50

Most of my friends (many of whom are a few years older than me) have dobe somethinv special for their 40th or 50th birthdays. I had a party for my 40th, obviously i celebrate other birthdays but generally just with family or out for a meal. 40 being a big deal isnt new, i remember from childhood my mums 40th and my dads 50th, that was in the 1980s....they didnt have a fancy meal or party every year!

SilverySurfer · 21/02/2019 16:11

Of course YABU and frankly ridiculous.

40 or 4?! hmm

I wouldn't be quite so harsh I would have said 14

You need to give yourself a serious talking to. A birthday is just another day.

downcasteyes · 21/02/2019 16:22

"A birthday is just another day."

It really isn't and I feel so sorry for the people for whom this is the case! You are all worth celebrating!

Time40 · 21/02/2019 16:38

I understand why you're upset, OP - and I don't understand all these people who say that a 40th birthday is nothing special. It is special. Very special. It's a massive big deal, in fact. I had an very large, very expensive party for my 40th, and I would have been hurt and upset if people hadn't made the effort to come.

girlwithadragontattoo · 21/02/2019 16:59

2 years ago it was my parents 25 wedding anniversary, we had family from all over attend including from NI (from south of England). Unfortunately for me i couldn't afford flights back home. They were really cheap around the time it was being organized, though i just couldn't spare the money, it was either flights home or food. I got a better paying job, however i was behind with bills and again the choice was electric and water or flights.
For all you know your sister could be in the same situation. I was praying and hoping something would change or give and that I'd be able to attend and i think it was the weekend before that i relented and said i couldn't come. It was a surprise party for my mum and there was literally no spare cash anyone could lend me.
Try not to be too angry with her, she's probably hurting as well, more than you'll know

Overstory · 21/02/2019 20:15

sorry OP for the nasty responses you have got and for your sister not coming to your birthday.

I, and most people I know, would be very hurt if my sister was not able to come to a milestone birthday party. It's not like it was an unexpected event! and if she can come for an engagement party (surely so much less of a thing than a birthday party) she should do the same for this and ideally would have budgeted accordingly.

It is hurtful and YANBU for being hurt.

To be charitable, perhaps she just over extended herself, and hopes you don't mind. Many people find family easier to disappoint than friends, unconditional love makes that the case.

I hope she makes it up to you in some way, you'll have a brilliant birthday even without her there so try not to focus on it and just enjoy your party with everybody else. Happy birthday for then!

seeingdots · 21/02/2019 20:58

YABU, you can't expect people to travel from abroad for a birthday party.

importantkath · 21/02/2019 23:45

I had my 40th last year. I also live abroad.

I had 30 friends travel over for the event.

My mum was the only family member to make it.

I was gutted, (esp about my dad and sister) but c'est la vie. I had an absolutely amazing time regardless.

YABU

swingofthings · 22/02/2019 05:45

Let's assume that she really is financially restricted so can only afford to come 3 times a year. 1st was engagement party. Maybe this was the engagement of a very close friend and it involved having fun around a number of people she is or was closed to. So she did it for the friend but also for her own fun. She did Christmas and family. She will be at a wedding over the summer. Something that is expecged to be a one off, going on for a whole day and with a number of people she is close to.

Then there is your 40th. That is one few hours of people getting together to eat and drink, people who besides your family she probably doesn't know well and isn't close to. The reality is what much fun will it be for her? Probably next to none, so really, it would mean her spending quite a bit of money, which she doesn't have tons for, to spend a few hours not really enjoying herself, all this so that she can be there to witness you turning 40? I expect if she had plenty of time or money, she'd do it, but she doesn't.

Being disappointed and sad that she won't be there is one thing, being angry and thinking that she is unreasonable is misplaced.

cushioncuddle · 22/02/2019 06:22

To cancel so late when flights are needed tells me that she never booked the flights.
So yes that hurts.
What hurts you is that she's prioritised other things over your celebration.
However it is close to when you last saw her so I I understand why she did.
She should have been upfront and declined. That's where she went wrong.

MsTSwift · 22/02/2019 06:42

You have every reason to feel hurt shows you are a low priority. Don’t know what planet every else lives on (planet glum perhaps) but most people I know had a 40th. Weddings in the main stopped happening a 40th is an opportunity to get everyone together for an event. It’s important to you and someone you care about and value who assured you they were coming has bailed. Of course that’s upsetting.

ladyme · 22/02/2019 10:04

OP, my sister lives about as far away as it's possible to be and even though she was here a few weeks ago, if I thought I was seeing her this weekend and then found out she wasn't coming and had only just let me know, I'd be really disappointed. She didn't come to my 40th, but I knew a long time in advance and while it was a shame, it was fine.

I suspect people who think you're being U either don't have close relationships with their siblings or they live near enough to them to take them for granted.

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