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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister not coming to my 40th

168 replies

EC22 · 20/02/2019 13:35

I’m pretty devastated. She lives abroad but is usually over 3/4 times per year, she was here for a friends engagement in November, back at Christmas and is back in the summer for a friends wedding.
My party is on Saturday, has been booked since last April and she told me on Monday she can’t afford to come. I am so upset and angry. I think I’m probably unreasonably angry as my sister is generally very selfish but I just think I’ll find this hard to forgive.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 20/02/2019 20:36

OP you won’t get an ounce of sympathy on MN. Here anyone over the age of 18 is completely unreasonable to want to celebrate their birthday ever again Hmm

YANBU- your sister can fly over for a friends engagement party but can’t be bothered for her owns sisters 40th. Poor show.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2019 20:38

All the sister had to do was to say a while back that she wasn’t coming, I’m sure the OP would have got over that given her sister had been over to see her frequently.

Its the saying she was coming and then ducking out at the 11th hour that has upset the OP imo.

KrazyKatlady · 20/02/2019 20:41

I understand its disappointing OP.
I think people are being quite harsh. Lots of people I know in RL have parties for their 40th or 50th birthday. I had my 40th 2 years ago in the autumn and we started looking at venues in about June, and many were already booked.
Maybe it would have been better to ask in person when she was last over so you could have made arrangements, butrealise that it is pretty upsetting to hear only a few days before.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 20/02/2019 20:58

My DB didn't come to my wedding, even though I offered to pay his flight and accommodation. (Not even actually 'abroad' - think London to Glasgow) He said 'It's not that I can't afford it - I just can't be bothered'.

His point was 'I came to your first one'... Grin Which, yes - he did.

My DSis was raging with him, but I couldn't care less. It didn't ruin my day to not have him there, and it was his choice. I think generally you just have to invite people to come to things you'd like them at - and not be upset if they don't/can't make it.

Have a good birthday with everyone else.

Bluestitch · 20/02/2019 21:07

I would drop a birthday party over a Christmas visit or a wedding too tbh. She just spent a week with you so she clearly makes an effort to come over but it sounds like an expensive few months for her with lots on.

mirialis · 20/02/2019 22:22

My 30th was the day after the London bombings. No cards arrived, no presents, my guests couldn't get to me or didn't want to travel to London and the restaurant cancelled our booking because it was near one of the stations affected. One of my colleagues bought me a huge bunch of flowers and we went to a pub for lunch and drinks. It was what it was and really taught me about what was important. I still had my birthday, family and friends

I was very close to where the bombing happened and two children I taught had parents who worked on the underground and were involved so I am not hijacking the tragedy of others just explaining why this was a real learning experience about having perspective

This is a special post. A lecture on "having perspective". If you really had learnt some sort of "lesson" here you would not raise this and talk about your lack of cards and present in this context - when the OP's sister has made herself available for friends' special occasions but not the OP's - and have made the bombing all about you and your lesson given the lack of presents... but get in the "I'm not hijacking" clause... wow... the lack of awareness here is amazing.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/02/2019 23:39

I'd completely missed that post, totally agree with what @mirialis.

I'm not going to get into the London bombings because I had my own experiences with that because it was right outside my work and I know people involved but to make something like that all about you and bring it into this post where there is no relevance is out of order. I I think you should also have a bit of perspective, the fact that you still managed to celebrate your birthday meant that it wasn't that close to home to you.

Strokethefurrywall · 20/02/2019 23:52

Agree with Mirialis.

What an objectionable post, designed specifically to make the OP feel shit, when all it really does is magnify what a twat the poster is.

poppycity · 21/02/2019 06:24

@downcasteyes - your advice is so sensible and recognizes things aren't equal in relationships but ultimately it's how you choose to handle it. I love it. Thanks for sharing.

everydaymum · 21/02/2019 06:37

It's a 40th, not a 50th, 18th or golden wedding anniversary. Your sister was over in November, at Christmas and will be over again in Summer. You 'assumed' she'd booked flights and was coming - that's what you need to be annoyed about, your assumption, not the fact that she's not coming. She will have been over 3 times within 12mths. A bit unreasonable to be annoyed that she's not coming over again for a 40th.

stayathomer · 21/02/2019 06:57

I am an extremely disorganised person and I think it's really easy to plan to go to something, keep saying you'll book for it and then use up money on something else, have some life thing pop up that costs money etc, then someone takes it all personally and assumes it's been done on purpose or dismisses you as having form/being selfish. Hopefully she plans on surprising you ok but otherwise give her a break, I doubt this is on purpose

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2019 06:57

I don’t agree with mirialis at all. stayingalive is just saying not to sweat the small stuff. For me this is small stuff and of course I appreciate everyone has a different perspective.

I am disabled and chronically ill. The fact that op is even able to have a 40th party is something way beyond my physical capabilities. I spend most of my life in bed or prostrate on the sofa. Simply reading a book is too much. So not having a sister there to celebrate for me really is sweating the small stuff. It’s all about perspective. Obviously I don’t ram this down posters throats otherwise I’d just be making competition to see who’s suffering the most and that would be really crap of me. I’m only saying this on this thread to try to explain how stayingalive’s post reads to me. So please don’t come back with nasty comments about me now high jacking the thread. Because I’m not.

Itssosunny · 21/02/2019 07:00

Is 40 a magical birthday date or what? Why is it so special?

chilledteacher · 21/02/2019 07:19

"I would have booked her flights if she hadn't left it so late to tell me"
This is a rubbish excuse, my DH has elderly relatives in Malaysia. On more than one occasion he's had to fly out for a funeral with 2 days notice. If it means that much to you, get her on a flight.

Vulpine · 21/02/2019 07:23

Yanbu - of course she should have made the effort especially as she came over for a friend's engagement party.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/02/2019 07:34

I would be miffed too if she can be bothered to go to other functions in your country. But try not to let that dampen things, have a nice time without her.

Bellatrix14 · 21/02/2019 07:37

@chilledteacher the OP said that it’s now too late to book a flight without it being an overly long journey. I’m sure it’s possible to still book a flight if you considered it an emergency, but it might be one of those situations where it would have been £60 return booked 3 months ago and it’s now £300 return because you have to go via somewhere else and it takes 20 hours longer?

OP, I think a lot of people are being fairly unpleasant to you on here, you are perfectly entitled to celebrate your birthday however you like IMO, regardless of how old you are Hmm Adults generally have enough stress and worry going on in life, I think you’ve probably more than earned a birthday party every year if that’s your cup of tea. And lots of people do consider 40 to be a landmark birthday!

I would also have assumed that if a relative who lived abroad had been aware that they were going to have to fly home to attend an event then they would have booked those flights in advance when they were cheaper and readily available. I’m sorry to say that it does sound a bit like she never intended to come and she’s using the money as an excuse? Maybe she agrees with lots of the posters on here and doesn’t see birthdays as being overly important?
I am sorry you’re hurting though, please try not to let it get you down too much Flowers

jackstini · 21/02/2019 07:59

I don't think YABU to be disappointed

Some families do big celebrations, others don't and for some people it's more important than others - but that's not what's up for discussion

If she has known since April and previously said she would be there, it's understandable you are gutted to find out this close that she's not coming

If she can't afford it that's a valid reason. With hindsight you should have checked a few weeks ago or she should have said something but maybe she wasn't comfortable with admitting that

It's a bummer but don't let it stop you enjoying Saturday. Sounds like you have lots of people to celebrate with

XiCi · 21/02/2019 08:06

Frankly, I think you're very brave having a party: so many cancel these days at the last moment

What a nasty, shitty post. WTF is wrong with some people.

OP on MN the mere mention of a birthday has the miserable frothers flooding in to tell you that anyone over the age of 5 is ridiculous to expect any celebration of their birthday. However in the real world practically everyone celebrates, especially a landmark birthday like yours. Among my friends / family the usual thing to do is to have a party and/or weekend away with friends or family. I'm going to Prague for a friends 40th next week and was at a 50th party a couple of months ago. My DH is 50 this year, he's having 200 guests at a party and we're going away for a long weekend. I don't know anyone that doesn't celebrate a landmark birthday so no OP YANBU to want your sister there and to be disappointed that she isn't. I can only assume she has money problems you are not aware of. Hope you have a lovely time at your party Flowers

DoneLikeAKipper · 21/02/2019 09:11

Good lord, the op dares to celebrate their birthday, has the tenacity to be hurt when a family member cancels last minute, and they apparently deserve post upon post of people putting them down? As it is, I don’t celebrate my birthday either, but I know plenty in real life who do. There’s nothing wrong with that, life can be rather shit at times - if people feel they have reached a ‘milestone’ and want to throw a party, why be so bloody sneery about it? I’d actually say it’s more appropriate to make a bigger fuss of your 40th than 50th - realistically that is more likely to be your ‘half way point’ in life!

OP, you’re entitled to your feelings, having someone cancel on you last minute can be rude at the best of times. If, as you say, she would have booked the tickets she’s ago if she was coming, evidently she has left it very late in not telling you, and I’d be wondering if this was done purposely. Of course, whether she’s skint or just doesn’t want to come, that’s not completely unreasonable either, not everyone (as evidenced here) would be into such a party. Ultimately, she’s not coming, so you have to decided whether to put it down to a bit of a crap thing, or let it hang over your party/future relationship with your sister. Depends how much of a ‘final straw’ situation this is for you.

Angelf1sh · 21/02/2019 11:45

You’re not being unreasonable to be upset, you’re possibly being a bit dramatic to say it’s devastated you. Enjoy your birthday without her, plenty of other people will be there.

PentreBachCymraeg · 21/02/2019 12:00

YAB a bit U, there's always facetime on the party night. I personally hate birthday fuss.

Somethingsmellsnice · 21/02/2019 12:04

Assuming she works I suspect she has no more annual leave left. After all she surely wasn't expected to ckme just for one evening. As you appear to have just found out I am guessing you weren't planning on her staying at yours either!!

Pinkprincess1978 · 21/02/2019 12:07

It was my 40th last year and I had a party. My dm lives abroad and had said she couldn't afford to come over. I didn't expect it and wasn't bothered (she then surprised me at my party but that's another story).

Then I had a brother, lives locally. Said he was coming then a month before realised the date was the same as his friends wedding so couldn't make it. I wasn't bothered.

Then another brother just didn't come and didn't say anything about it. Again, wasn't bothered. I had loads of people who came and I had a fantastic night. That's what it's all about.

IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 12:14

It actually sounds like she was planning to come? Perhaps she was just a bit disorganized and then saw the price of the flights?

In her defense, a lot of people wouldn’t think it was THAT big of a deal. Like, I didn’t go to a friend’s 40th last month. I wasn’t feeling well. I contributed to the present. I love her. I hope she had a great night but my not attending didn’t seem like a huge deal to me!

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