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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister not coming to my 40th

168 replies

EC22 · 20/02/2019 13:35

I’m pretty devastated. She lives abroad but is usually over 3/4 times per year, she was here for a friends engagement in November, back at Christmas and is back in the summer for a friends wedding.
My party is on Saturday, has been booked since last April and she told me on Monday she can’t afford to come. I am so upset and angry. I think I’m probably unreasonably angry as my sister is generally very selfish but I just think I’ll find this hard to forgive.

OP posts:
MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 20/02/2019 14:33

Lol at 'landmark' birthday! Is that what 30, 40, 50, 60 etc is now? So your whole adult life is one round of your landmark birthdays, your partner's, your friends', parents', children's etc. Why??? Is life so dull generally? Have a party with friends, yes, but it's no more important than 31, 41, 51.....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2019 14:34

EC22, its sad that she's not coming and has dropped out a week before hand, but try to put that to one side and please don't let it spoil your lovely party, especially as so many people will be attending. Put it to the back of your mind,.
It might be that there is more to it than that, which she hasn't had a chance to talk to you about yet. As I said... ask her when you can actually meet up to celebrate, maybe when she comes over for the wedding.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 20/02/2019 14:41

Maybe she's going to turn up to surprise you?

Or maybe she just isn't that bothered. Its a bit unreasonable to expect her to use up time/money/perhaps leave from work for something that isn't that important to her just because its important to you!

downcasteyes · 20/02/2019 14:42

I get that this is disappointing for you. I am the one who makes all the running in my family - and they are shit about doing anything back, ever, and I used to feel really hurt because I thought they didn't care. Then I realised I was right, but that they actually couldn't care, because they lacked the emotional capacity to do that for someone other than themselves.

My advice, from years of experience dealing with narcissistic people: smile sweetly, chalk it up to them being shit, silently take the credit for being a better person inside, and enjoy your day thoroughly, independently and without them. Accept what they have to offer, give only what you can choose to spare back (both financially and emotionally). Do not linger on it - have fun.

newnameforthis7 · 20/02/2019 14:43

I am sorry you're upset OP, but I do wonder if there's more to it. If your sister was still coming right up to 7-8 weeks ago, it seems odd that she has suddenly bailed. You say she is quite selfish too sometimes? So as you don't seem to think very highly of her, does it matter that she's not coming?

And you booked it nearly a YEAR in advance? Really? Just a birthday party?

YABU - a bit.

HappilyHarridan · 20/02/2019 14:43

I don’t know where some of these posters live but where I live it’s completely normal to have a big 40th birthday celebration. There aren’t that many occasions in life where you have a good reason to get together all your friends and family for a fun event. If everyone just said ‘no parties for adults unless they are getting married’ it would make a very dull world!
I say if people want to party, let them party! And don’t sneer at them because it’s not what you choose to do on your birthday.
Op, I understand why this has upset you, but nothing you can do now except have a great time at your party x

JingsMahBucket · 20/02/2019 14:43

Why are people being dicks to the OP?? It is perfectly fine to be upset if your loved ducks out of attending your milestone birthday party they’ve known about for the last year!

Are people deliberately ignoring what the OP is saying in that the sister had time to buy the ticket for the last year when tickets were cheap but didn’t? Why should the OP pay for the sister’s fuck up?

chillpizza · 20/02/2019 14:45

Is she fed up of always being the one to travel. You make a point of the fact you have children and she doesn’t as if that’s why she has to come to you. Maybe she feels like nobody gives a crap about her unless she’s flying over to them.

GoFiguire · 20/02/2019 14:46

Maybe there’s something going on in her life which she doesn’t want to tell you about- cancer diagnosis, redundancy, that sort of thing - as she doesn’t want to spoil your. birthday weekend.

Passing4Human · 20/02/2019 14:47

I think YANBU to be disappointed if you'll miss your sister being there, but "devastated" is an overreaction. If she can't afford it she can't afford it. Perhaps she left it so late to tell you as she knew you'd react like this. If it was me I'd book a trip to see her or to meet in the middle at another time and have a wee celebration with my sister on my own. That would cheer me up no end if I was feeling down about it.

ID81241 · 20/02/2019 14:48

You would've expected her to travel from abroad for a birthday party? I think it's fine to be disappointed as it would've been nice to celebrate with your sister... But your level of upset is a bit much and you should try keep it to yourself rather than make her feel bad.

newnameforthis7 · 20/02/2019 14:48

I do agree that it's fine for adults (even over 40s!) to celebrate birthdays and have parties, and as I said, I feel a bit for the OP. However, there must be a valid reason why the sister isn't coming. (All of a sudden.)

I would actually ask her directly.

PCohle · 20/02/2019 14:49

MN is always really sniffy about adult's birthdays.

I'd be upset too OP - she is clearly happy to prioritise other people and events over you.

LivLemler · 20/02/2019 14:51

She lives abroad and comes home 3 or 4 times a year, timing it around the big events for her friends and family. That's a lot of money, time and hassle that she puts into maintaining her relationships every year. That's not selfish.

I live far from my family and closest friends. I go home when I can, and I prioritise Christmas and the big events like weddings and engagements. Birthdays would fall firmly in the "I'll go if it's convenient and I'd be visiting around then anyway" category.

newnameforthis7 · 20/02/2019 14:52

She might be sick of always being the one to travel yes......

Regrettably however, when you do move 100s (or 1000s) of miles away (or even a few dozens of miles away) from your hometown/family/where you grew up/where everyone still lives, it is generally expected that YOU will be the one who will travel to see them (as you are the one who moved away.)

I know a number of families (maybe 9 or 10,) whose close-ish relatives moved away (eg, sibling or cousin,) and they do say 'THEY chose to move 100 miles away, THEY can come back and visit us.' They may be right or wrong (or neither one) but this is how some people think.

OftenHangry · 20/02/2019 14:55

I had my 30s without all my family (bar DH) and I survived. And another probably 8 birthdyas without them.

Tbh I would be fuming too if I were in your place. You know, you go and travel for her birthday to visit her etc and she can't repay the favour...
Unless you don't... IYKWIM🤷‍♀️

On a serious note.
Flights in November and around Christmas are excruciatingly expensive so it's no surprise she can't afford to fly for 3rd time in last few months.

Original poster
EC22 · 20/02/2019 14:55

The valid reason is she can’t afford it, she’s over stretched herself and it’s my birthday that she’s dropped, because it was the last.
She’s lived away for a long time, she comes over regularly not just to see family but her friends, before I had kids I used to visit her more.
I know I’m overreacting, I’m not going to fall out over it.
I’m going to see lots of people on Saturday I haven’t seen for ages so I’ll focus on that.

OP posts:
SlinkyDinkyDoo · 20/02/2019 14:56

Well OP bad planning on your sister's part I say. If it was me I would have forgone the Christmas trip for my sisyer's 40th, it being so close. Or I wouldn't have gone to friend's engagement. It's hardly a big occasion is it?

She can do what she likes obviously but I think it's pretty piss poor.

JingsMahBucket · 20/02/2019 15:01

@EC22 YANBU at all. Ignore the callous posters on here. Mumsnet is really fucking weird about birthdays and it brings out all the snide jerk posters.

I would ask yourself if she has form for bailing on you at the last minute. When was the last time she did it? What was the reason and did she seem genuinely upset about disappointing you? Were you able to express to her how disappointed you were? Hopefully there has been some dialogue about this. Flowers

Norma27 · 20/02/2019 15:02

My brother recently couldn’t make it over for his dad’s funeral. We were gutted and would have loved him to be here but we were all fine about it.
It is a birthday party. I wouldn’t expect people to fly over, especially as they have other visits planned over here this year anyway.

downcasteyes · 20/02/2019 15:03

"The valid reason is she can’t afford it."

It IS a valid reason. But I have two friends. The first earns a great wage, but is always overspending and always in debt. She expects friends to pick up her bill at extremely expensive restaurants and even hotels, often when we know she has just spent several grand on an expensive holiday abroad. The second earns a terrible wage in a low paid occupation and is also a part-time carer. She tries to manage money carefully, but sometimes runs into debt because of the general shitness of life. So her oven breaks, or her car breaks, and the bill for those things means she is struggling again. The two are both always in debt, but almost from polar opposite ends of the spectrum of character and fault.

warmandfuzzycat · 20/02/2019 15:03

YANBU. I would be a bit miffed too. Happy birthday. Smile

Redcrayonisthebest · 20/02/2019 15:05

I understand why you're hurt, I would be too. Could you fly over to her another weekend and celebrate your birthday with a girl's weekend?

Aridane · 20/02/2019 15:07

In the circumstances, I would be disappointed too

blueskiesovertheforest · 20/02/2019 15:10

EC22 when you say there wasn't a hint at Christmas that she wouldn't be at your party at the end of February do you mean she actively said she was coming, or just that she didn't mention attending either way?

If she's only just been over for Christmas and has to be over for a wedding (always expensive to attend with expectations of dressing a certain way, buying expensive gifts and staying in hotels) it's very likely she can't afford yet another flight plus outfit and present.

It didn't cross my mind to expect anyone to travel to my 40th nor to travel to anyone else's despite living abroad, it does sound massively self indulgent! The only birthday I felt I probably should have travelled to was a 70th, but it was too expensive and massively inconvenient at the time.

Flying to an event often means flight, plus airport parking, plus hire car, plus meals in transit, plus an outfit and a present, and time off work, not just a budget flight. A 2 hour £60 flight ends up being 6+ hours in transit each way an costing £300 or £400 if you add all the costs up. Cheap flights are always at times which necessitate taking time off work. To avoid taking leave you pay for premium flights...