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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister not coming to my 40th

168 replies

EC22 · 20/02/2019 13:35

I’m pretty devastated. She lives abroad but is usually over 3/4 times per year, she was here for a friends engagement in November, back at Christmas and is back in the summer for a friends wedding.
My party is on Saturday, has been booked since last April and she told me on Monday she can’t afford to come. I am so upset and angry. I think I’m probably unreasonably angry as my sister is generally very selfish but I just think I’ll find this hard to forgive.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2019 13:52

Would you travel to where she lives for her birthday?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2019 13:53

She has to pay to visit 3/4 times a year and has a wedding to attend which is always more expensive. What is it that really bothers you? the fact that she won't be there and you miss her or the fact that you feel she owes it to you to turn up. If its the former, Could you meet up with her and go out together when she visits in the summer? or go and see her? Would it be better if you force her to come and she resents it because its a whole extra visit and she's finding it hard to afford it?

caughtinanet · 20/02/2019 13:53

I don't think this is a reverse at all. MN posters always seem to be much more bothered about birthdays than anyone I know IRL

In general YAU to expect anyone to be interested in your birthday and certainly very selfish to expect someone to attend a party they can't afford to.

AguerosAngel · 20/02/2019 13:53

YABU. I wouldn’t want any of my siblings to put themselves in financial difficulty just to attend my birthday.

Talk to her instead of having a hissy fit!

Butchyrestingface · 20/02/2019 13:54

40 or 4?! hmm

Glad someone else said it. Wink

Anyway, I take it OP is peeved because she perceives her sister making the effort for all these other people and not her. Had your sister said she was coming and now can't?

It was my 40th last year. The idea of booking it up a year prior (!) is inconceivable to me but hey, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

I think there's a very easy solution to this that's staring you in the face, OP. You are obviously desperate to have your dear sister attend, notwithstanding her selfish ways. So you offer to pay for it. Simples.

Tomtontom · 20/02/2019 13:55

I have kids, she doesn’t.

And?

NannyRed · 20/02/2019 13:55

Yabvu.

That is all there is to it.

If it really bothers you, hold your party abroad and ask all your friends to pay for flights, accommodation, time off work etc! (Not really an option)

RoryLeighGilmore · 20/02/2019 13:55

You would pay for flights for someone to come to your birthday party?! You must have more money to waste than me. Surely you realise as important and a milestone as turning 40 is to you, in the nicest way possible, nobody else gives a shit?!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 20/02/2019 13:56

I'm surprised at these answers. You're having a landmark birthday that is important to you and has been signposted well in advance to allow planning. A close family member who you get on well with usually (I presume) has told you at the last minute that they can't make it after all but are prioritising other commitments. I think most people would be hurt by that.

Sorry op, that sounds crap Flowers

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 13:56

I second the suggestion that you offer to pay her flights.

As a sister who lives abroad from my siblings, it's really expensive to visit that often! I had to miss my best friend's stag party because I couldn't afford both that and the wedding. It's hard and you don't know what's going on financially with her. Hopefully she will try to do something special for you the next time she's over.

WendyCope · 20/02/2019 13:56

hissy fit Grin

pictish · 20/02/2019 13:57

If she can’t afford it then she can’t afford it. Sounds like she’s generally enthusiastic about visiting and does so regularly so I don’t think that’s the problem. It will be a money thing like she says.

Butchyrestingface · 20/02/2019 13:57

Today is Wednesday, your party is on Saturday. Unless she's holed up somewhere in Syria, where in the world is so remote that she can't make it for Saturday if you book the tickets?

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 13:57

Yep looks very immature on the surface of it to be so bothered but I get it.

The background is her selfishness and the feeling that you're the one that can be dropped.

You can do nothing but brush this off. But don't be so available in future and make a note that next summer, if you have something you'd rather spend your money on than visiting her -do it.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/02/2019 13:58

I don’t get this. I didn’t go to my sister’s 40th and she didn’t come to mine. We like each other fine but live in different countries. I can afford to fly there once or twice a year and have to plan around other commitments. Perhaps it’s the same for her. It’s just a birthday, you’ll hopefully have many more, and you’ll still have everyone else around to celebrate with you. Big girl pants time.

pictish · 20/02/2019 13:59

contessa - have you never incurred an unexpected expense or found yourself having to tighten your belt and prioritise?

Lungelady · 20/02/2019 14:01

Get over yourself.

SassitudeandSparkle · 20/02/2019 14:01

It would cost more to fly a family (adults and children) over than a couple Tomtontom so if the sister is saying it is too expensive to come over then it would cost far more for the OP to go over there - you can see that, surely! Why the attitude?

OP, this is obviously a big occasion for you and you have planned it for a while. This may also be the reason your sister has left it so late to tell you she's not coming, because she knew it wouldn't go down well. I think the OP is just hurt that her sister is making the effort to come over for friends and not for her. I don't think it's selfish of your sister not to come though.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2019 14:02

I don’t understand some of the harsh comments. The sister was coming for the OPs birthday and now isn’t. Of course she is allowed to be upset. Hopefully the sister has or will explain why she’s now not able to come so the OP can be more understanding to the situation.

Vagabond · 20/02/2019 14:02

It's a bit sad that after reading all the comments, you still feel aggrieved.

You'll still have fun; she'll be there in spirit. Try not to be resentful, it will just put a damper on your fun party.

Frankly, I think you're very brave having a party: so many cancel these days at the last moment :(

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 20/02/2019 14:02

My sister had lots of celebrations for her 40th. None of which I was invited to as we're not close, tho I saw all the happy pics on FB. Did it bother me, well, yes, a bit but it's her life!

It is what it is, she can't come, enjoy yourself anyway! No point getting the hump., it only spoils your life, not hers.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/02/2019 14:03

oh OP I think you are getting an unnecessarily hard time.

I personally wouldn't be fussed - about either organising a big 40th (would hate it myself) or if people could come, and especially from abroad
BUT

It clearly matters a lot to you, you've organised it well in advance, and your sister obviously knew about it for a long time. She should have said before if she couldn't come - as you say, if you'd known earlier, you could have paid for her flights (which I think is lovely of you).

Butchy the OP said she'd have paid for flights if sis had told her sooner. It's not really reasonable to think OP can now fork out on Wednesday with the cost of that only 4 days ahead of the party. It's clear that her sister isn't bothered about coming - that's the bit that's upsetting the OP and I can get that.

pictish · 20/02/2019 14:03

Duck she has explained why. She can’t afford it.

Tomtontom · 20/02/2019 14:04

@SassitudeandSparkle OP's choice to have a family. You can't expect the sister to do more just because she's made different lifestyle choices.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2019 14:05

Yes I know she can’t afford it. I mean explain why now when she was supposed to be coming all along. Surely she’d have booked her flight some time ago?

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