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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister not coming to my 40th

168 replies

EC22 · 20/02/2019 13:35

I’m pretty devastated. She lives abroad but is usually over 3/4 times per year, she was here for a friends engagement in November, back at Christmas and is back in the summer for a friends wedding.
My party is on Saturday, has been booked since last April and she told me on Monday she can’t afford to come. I am so upset and angry. I think I’m probably unreasonably angry as my sister is generally very selfish but I just think I’ll find this hard to forgive.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 20/02/2019 14:05

Yabu

Original poster
EC22 · 20/02/2019 14:07

I’m trying very hard not to feel aggrieved, it’s not a nice feeling.

I can’t get her a flight now, it isn’t possible without it being a very convoluted expensive journey. Its relatively cheap in advance which is why I assumed she’d already booked.

We have always been close and I am just really sad she won’t be there.

OP posts:
Hunter037 · 20/02/2019 14:07

If she cant afford it, she can't afford it. What would you have her do?

Maybe she didn't mention it at Christmas because she was embarrassed and trying to scrape together the money in time? Maybe she was planning to come and had an unexpected expense in the last few months.

Having kids or not is irrelevant.

8misskitty8 · 20/02/2019 14:08

She might have had a big bill to pay, work issues or something else come up which is why she now can’t come.
Maybe she had booked a flight with flybmi which has just gone kaput and the only alternative airlines at this short notice are far more costly on top of paying for original flights.

Upset understandably but angry ? Unless there is a massive back story drip to come then yabu.

purplecorkheart · 20/02/2019 14:08

I am not a party person so cannot see why 30th, 40th etc are such big deals that you would expect people to fly in from abroad.

In fairness it probably not only the financial cost but also using up annual leave etc.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 20/02/2019 14:08

Yes pictish, I have. I've then apologised profusely to the person whose event I'm missing and tried to ensure that they still feel cared about and important to me. OP doesn't give the impression that her sister has done any such thing, and she's clearly feeling hurt.

My own sister has form for wimping out at the last minute with shit excuses though (I.e. her poor planning or lack of attention means she can't go somewhere) and she always has an airy dismissive air about it. It's hurtful, and you get made to feel shit if you evince any emotion about it because you make her feel bad. So I may be somewhat emotionally invested here, but not to an excess I think!

Palegreenstars · 20/02/2019 14:09

Book something to go and see her soon.

It’s sucks when people judge you for not affording things or have different expectations because you don’t have kids.

Tomtontom · 20/02/2019 14:10

If you have lots of people coming you're barely going to be spending any time with her anyway.

You are being incredibly unreasonable and quite precious.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2019 14:11

Sounds like she was never coming OP for whatever reason she had. She should have told you before now that she hadn’t booked the tickets imo.

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 20/02/2019 14:12

You describe her as "generally very selfish". Maybe she doesn't think highly of you, either?

justasking111 · 20/02/2019 14:12

Her ducking out now with ten months warning, says a lot about her, she could have put a little bit away in that time, or come clean earlier. Just enjoy your party with all your other guests.

It really does say more about her than you which her guests will be aware of. As they say you can choose your friends but family sheesh...

AryaStarkWolf · 20/02/2019 14:14

YABU it's a birthday party ffs

gamerchick · 20/02/2019 14:16

Tbh I think I would like to hear her side. There has to be a back story of expectations when someone books their birthday party 10 months in advance.

picklemepopcorn · 20/02/2019 14:18

Where has she celebrated her birthdays? Has she had a milestone Bday yet?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/02/2019 14:19

The sister could have said 10 months ago that she wasn’t going to make the birthday party. I don’t see how it’s the OPs fault for arranging it that long ago, seems reasonable if people were coming from overseas, it gave them enough time to sort out arrangement or say they weren’t coming.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 20/02/2019 14:19

You will also only have one 41st Birthday....

Davespecifico · 20/02/2019 14:20

What you have to think in these situations is that they they are making as much effort as they want to. If she doesn’t want to find a way to get to this party, you can’t make her want to. Would you want her to be there under duress?
Tell her you’re disappointed as you’d told her so far in advance, then forget it and be at peace with it. Enjoy your party with the people who are there.

onalongsabbatical · 20/02/2019 14:20

Honestly can anyone, OP or anyone else, explain to me why this kind of thing matters past a certain age? Because I genuinely don't get it. She can't afford to come, you'll miss her, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you you know?
And if she actually doesn't love you having her at your party is a waste of time. So what's the problem?

justmyview · 20/02/2019 14:22

OP, I think you're getting a hard time on this thread. Some people choose to celebrate birthdays, some don't, but it's perfectly reasonable to host a family party for your 40th. Hope you have a lovely time

However, I assumed her flights were booked and she was staying with me again. That was your mistake, to ASSUME she would come. If it was important to you that she was there, I think you should have checked. If you never asked her whether she was definitely able to come, maybe she thought you didn't mind either way

Loseitandkeepitlost · 20/02/2019 14:22

She paid to come over in November and December, surely it understandable that three trips in 4 months is too much expense?

I get that you’re disappointed but it does sound as though she makes an effort to be here when she can.

llangennith · 20/02/2019 14:22

YABVU

IAimToMisbehave · 20/02/2019 14:23

Another in the who gives a fuck camp. Sorry. But if you are close to your sister please don't let this affect your future relationship, it would be such a shame.

But I have no idea what I did for my 40th. It wouldn't have been any kind of event though.

Also genuinely interested - why is the 40th more significant than the 30th or the 50th?

Honeyroar · 20/02/2019 14:28

You're allowed to be upset and wish she was coming, but your 40th will still happen and you'll still have a good party, even without her.

Perhaps she's tired of having to keep coming over so much? It's not actually that long since Xmas when she was last here. I wonder whether that's why she left it until the last minute to tell you - so it wasn't just a case of buying her a ticket.

extraspoons · 20/02/2019 14:29

I think most of the replies here are unreasonable. Your sister obviously knows you and obviously knew this was a big deal to you. It's a bit much to drop out at short notice. She should have told you months ago she couldn't afford it.

This isn't about whether or not adults should celebrate birthdays - it's about someone you are close to letting you down on something, at short notice, that they know is important to you.

Honeyroar · 20/02/2019 14:30

Ps, I had a 40th. I can hardly remember who was there and who wasn't a decade later, but I do remember having a good time.

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