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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister not coming to my 40th

168 replies

EC22 · 20/02/2019 13:35

I’m pretty devastated. She lives abroad but is usually over 3/4 times per year, she was here for a friends engagement in November, back at Christmas and is back in the summer for a friends wedding.
My party is on Saturday, has been booked since last April and she told me on Monday she can’t afford to come. I am so upset and angry. I think I’m probably unreasonably angry as my sister is generally very selfish but I just think I’ll find this hard to forgive.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 20/02/2019 15:13

Sounds like a mix up to me. You just assumed she was coming, so didn't even think to ask her if she'd booked flights. She assumed that as she had gotten to see you at Christmas, and presumably in November when she was back for a wedding, and will see you in the summer (you say she comes 3 to 4 times a year - that's already 3 in 7 or 8 months), that it was obvious she wouldn't be coming back only a few weeks later.

Did she ever actually reply to your invite and say "yes, I will definitely be there"? Or did you just take it for granted? Doesn't sound like she realised it was so important to you - and given that so many of the posters here are equally bemused, can you see how that could happen?

80sMum · 20/02/2019 15:13

Oh dear, OP, of course YABU!! Good grief, you're coming across as very childlike.

MrsMWA · 20/02/2019 15:13

I was living abroad when my sister turned 40 and when I did. I sent her a lovely designer item but didn’t fly home for her party, we aren’t that close, she didn’t invite me or tell me about it at all. For mine, she sent me a cheap, tacky ornament that she bought at a car boot sale. I think it was to make a point. Anyway whatever, just move on and have a good time. My family were very jealous, resentful etc of my life abroad and the resentment has carried on since I got back. You have grown apart, accept it and live your own life.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 15:15

Honestly let it go. It is one birthday. Either pay for her flights or let it go. She has just been to stay for a week. Don’t let it spoil your party.

Original poster
EC22 · 20/02/2019 15:17

It was a reasonable assumption she was coming, she offered to take kids back to mine if they got tired!

She knows me very well, we are close. She knows it was important.

OP posts:
showmethegin · 20/02/2019 15:28

The thing is OP, lots of things are important. If you live abroad then you can't come back for every single event of your friends or family. I know you're disappointed but YABU to expect her to plan all her financial decisions and possible annual leave around OBLIGATIONS to be somewhere. Maybe she hadn't seen the friends much whose engagement it was and prioritised that over yours this once. And I would definitely prioritise a wedding and Christmas over a birthday party.

It's irrelevant whether you think she is rubbish with money or not, it is her money, to do with what she wants. She shouldn't have to spend all her money and time fulfilling other people's expectations of her. Or maybe she just really really just hasn't got the money. If you are as close as you say she's probably really disappointed she can't make it too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2019 15:32

Dh and I used to live abroad. Actually dh still lives abroad as he’s not from here but at least we are in one of our home countries. You sound pretty clueless about what it’s like. Do you realise your sister probably uses up most of her holiday time visiting family and friends? Plus entertaining you when you visit once a year. She is entitled to a life, to save money, to spend money on holidays and herself, isn’t she?

You really need to take a step back and see things from her POV poor woman. Yes it would have been nice for her to come to your party. But she couldn’t and has chosen to spend her time and her money on other things.

mirialis · 20/02/2019 15:36

It's fine to feel temporarily aggrieved. I am not someone who makes a fuss about my birthday (I spent my 30th at the wedding of one of DH's friends whom I barely knew and only ever celebrate the milestones) but I was put out when a sibling did similar when I actually got to celebrate my 30th the following weekend given the expense and hassle I'd gone to to travel to them for theirs. I would be honest and say you feel a bit hurt that you feel she prioritised a friend's engagement over your 40th or whatever and left it to the last minute to tell you and then I would move on from it and enjoy your birthday and not fall out. If you don't say something it will fester and mount up and you won't have given her a chance to be aware that you feel upset and question whether (and she may decide no of course) she needs to be a little more considerate of you. You could then one day feel that something is the straw that breaks the camel's back and she will think you've gone ape over something relatively small, without really understanding, and thus - quite reasonably - conclude you were being very U. Be honest (without being brutal), clear the air, move on.

I hope you have a lovely birthday!

OftenHangry · 20/02/2019 17:16

The worst on living abroad is that people expect you to use your holidays to visit them.
That's not holidays.

I am sorry you feel sad, but imagine if she would hvae to come in for every major birthday. Parents, cousins, aunts and uncles....

Tbh the decision to choose between birthday party and Christmas is quite easy to make. Christmas every time.

JingsMahBucket · 20/02/2019 17:19

@EC22 In that case you really do have a good reason to be pissed of with her. Tell her you’re disappointed and upset that she gave you such low priority especially since she knew about it for a year.

I’d ask her how she ended up in this situation. As in, did she simply forget to buy tickets until too late or did she change her mind 6 months ago about not attending and just never told you?

Oof, what a mess. The main thing to do is try to remember all the good people who are attending and want to celebrate with you. Celebrate those good friendships and relationships. Don’t let this one bad case ruin the rest of your good time.

JingsMahBucket · 20/02/2019 17:25

@Mummyoflittledragon her sister has had an entirefreaking year to plan this trip abroad. She has known. The sister dropped the ball, plain and simple.

And yes, I’m the friend and family member who lives abroad so I understand the pain and expense of flying back. The point is that if one of my best friends was turning 40 or 50 and wanted me to be there, I would plan for it properly and keep them abreast of my decisions. I wouldn’t wait until 4 days before the event and just shrug and say “Sorry.” That’s bullshit and being a bad friend or family member.

CheerioHunter · 20/02/2019 17:27

I won’t have another 40th though, will I? I have family coming from all over, it’s a one off and she won’t be there.

Awww, diddums.
Or another 41st, or 42nd or 43rd.

hazell42 · 20/02/2019 17:32

If she normally comes over and you were expecting her and there is no massive backstory I would be asking her if she is ok.
Could she have Financial problems
Marriage problems
An illness she hasnt told you about.

Unless she has form for this I would let it go.

AND I would never expect anyone to get on a plane to come to my party. That is a bit ott

zippey · 20/02/2019 17:35

Why don’t you pay for her?

cravingmilkshake · 20/02/2019 17:46

My sister lives 10 mins from where I had my 30th in December and she didn't come. Not mad at her, don't care, she had other plans.... I love her and haven't thought about it since.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2019 17:52

Jings
Please don’t go telling others how perfect you are and you’d never do this to your sister when you aren’t in this woman’s shoes. Your moral judgement isn’t helping.

Perhaps you don’t have to spread yourself thinly. Perhaps you don’t family like mine or dhs then. His family cant be arsed to visit us at his fathers house from the next fucking village. They expect us to do a tour of their houses. “Oh do come and see us”. Them and 10+ other families and friends. I eventually put my foot down after becoming chronically having already suffered the same merry go round for well over 15 years.

Readytogogogo · 20/02/2019 18:18

My brother lives abroad and couldn't afford to come to my wedding. I completely understood. I can't really understand why you would be upset about a birthday party as an adult, if you otherwise have a good relationship.

stayingaliveisawayoflife · 20/02/2019 18:19

My 30th was the day after the London bombings. No cards arrived, no presents, my guests couldn't get to me or didn't want to travel to London and the restaurant cancelled our booking because it was near one of the stations affected. One of my colleagues bought me a huge bunch of flowers and we went to a pub for lunch and drinks. It was what it was and really taught me about what was important. I still had my birthday, family and friends.

I was very close to where the bombing happened and two children I taught had parents who worked on the underground and were involved so I am not hijacking the tragedy of others just explaining why this was a real learning experience about having perspective.

NameChangeNugget · 20/02/2019 19:22

I think you need to suck this one up.

YABU

Anon10 · 20/02/2019 20:13

OP this sounds a little spoilt to me. YABU I’m afraid.

SparkingVino · 20/02/2019 20:18

I have 5 sisters, not one was at my 40th ‘bash’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dohee · 20/02/2019 20:22

I have never had a birthday party. So this to me is not easy to understand.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/02/2019 20:29

Tbh OP, she's been over a lot and if I were to drop one of the occasions it would have been your birthday party as well.

Not being able to afford it is a valid reason and maybe she didn't tell you earlier because she was worried about your response or maybe she genuinely thought she'd be able to afford it.

I can understand why you'd be disappointed but to be upset and angry is a bit OTT for a birthday party.

Elephantshoe · 20/02/2019 20:33

I understand where you're coming from. My family live in EU, it's my 40th this year too and I would have loved to celebrate my milestone. Have been through the absolute wringer lately too, and would have liked a nice family celebration.
My DM has agreed to see some friends over the 3 immediate days over my birthday. Apparently good friends, despite the fact that they bitch about them a lot Hmm
My DF told me outright he wouldn't come up and see me, so some how my DM has forced persuaded him, he is now coming out to see me for 24hrs, because he's busy. DM is coming for a week. DSis is silent.
Myself, DH and 2 DCs go and visit them as much as we can, but its expensive.
I don't think its asking too much to want to be with your family on a big birthday like this.
We offered to go out there, to make it easier for them if money was an issue but that was brushed off. We went there for Christmas at a considerable expense to us (flights, presents for 7 people, extra luggage etc...) and again offered for us to go back there in March for my birthday.
I get that you're feeling a bit hurt.

Drum2018 · 20/02/2019 20:35

YABU. I wouldn't expect family to travel within the country for a birthday party, let alone from abroad. Time to put on your big girl pants now that you are 40 and let it go.