Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-preemie mum and pregnant friend

85 replies

Ihavealwaysknown · 20/02/2019 01:05

I know I’m being unreasonable but just wanted a rant.

DD is a former 33 weeker. Very, very scary end to the pregnancy and a tough start to parenthood. Anyways a friend is currently pregnant and has been asking for advice and tips throughout pregnancy. Today she hit 33+1 and sent me a message saying ‘I’m now more pregnant than you’ve ever been’

🙄 I know this probably wasn’t meant to upset/offend and is a fact, but she knows I’m already (like many other preemie parents) frustrated that my body couldn’t carry dd to term. Should I just take it on the chin, ignore and move on, or point out it was a little insensitive?

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 20/02/2019 01:07

Why would she even need to say that? Confused maybe she's weirdly competitive, but still no excuse especially as she knows it's an upsetting topic for you. I would not be happy about this!

Leeds2 · 20/02/2019 01:10

However hurtful you might find it, I doubt she meant anything bad by her comment.

PremierNaps · 20/02/2019 01:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Bit of a dick thing to say. However, I think you should take this one on the chin and don't reply to the text so she may get the hint. If she does it again then say something politely like DF can you not this is a bit of a sensitive subject for me.

freddiemercury · 20/02/2019 01:12

My first was born at 33 weeks and four days... tricky old times. But unless you've been there you won't know how tricky. Also there's nothing more self obsessed than a pregnant person.... so.um.take it on the chin. Unless she's still a twat once she's had her baby!!

DivasInTheWay · 20/02/2019 01:12

That is a seriously weird, and quite horrible thing to say.

Seline · 20/02/2019 01:12

I'd be annoyed. I had 26 weekers.

user1473878824 · 20/02/2019 01:15

Oh god what a DICK. I’m sure she’s not trying to be but I would say - only if you value her as a friend - “that was incredibly unkind, I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way [if you are/keeping the peace] but comments like that make me feel X Y Z and as my friend that was unthoughful and an awful thing to say.”

shpoot · 20/02/2019 01:17

A weird thing to say....off the back of nothing. But she's coming off the back of what you'd shared with her. You've told her lots of things and she thinks it's ok cause your child is ok.

HeathRobinson · 20/02/2019 01:21

That is incredibly insensitive in my book.

YANBU. Flowers

CMOTDibbler · 20/02/2019 01:27

YANBU. My ds was born at 35 weeks and had a week in SCBU as he wasn't breathing well at birth (so whisked straight off, didn't hold him etc), and I had a PPH, and a friend said later 'oh, you had such an easy birth' which upset me a lot

Anyat212 · 20/02/2019 01:27

Oh OP YANBU at all! What a horrible thing for a friend to say! Tbh I wouldn’t know what to say initially but agree that it’s a weird comment. I’d mention it to your friend hopefully she never meant it in an intentional way (not sure how but you never know! Maybe a twisted ‘joke’?!) either way it’s worth a mention.

Hope your okay Flowers

VimFuego101 · 20/02/2019 01:28

What a shitty thing to say. YANBU to be upset.

HennyPennyHorror · 20/02/2019 01:29

she sounds massively self-centered but probably didn't mean any harm. To her, everything is about HER and HER child. Stupid. If this is a one off and she's always been a good person, I'd overlook it but if she;'s someone you've thought "Hmm" about in the past, I'd listen to what she's telling you...that she's selfish and thoughtless.

Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 20/02/2019 01:34

Ok good to know it’s not just me thinking it’s odd. I honestly think it’s a case of you don’t realise how traumatic it is until you have been there. Will not reply and maybe mention it when I see her 🙄 hopefully when baby is here she will be too busy to try and play comparison. She’s passed a few comments before about how it will be different for her with a term baby... (yes you count your chickens) I guess naivety thinking it won’t happen to her 🙄

OP posts:
FruminousBandersnatch · 20/02/2019 01:37

That's a very strange and self-centered thing to say. Is she a good friend in other ways?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 20/02/2019 01:37

What??? Why on earth would she say such a thing?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2019 01:41

Mother of a 33 weeker here, too. Second was born at 37 weeks. That was a dick thing for her to say, period.

Also the ones who (usually unthinkingly) say things like "Ugh, I'll be so glad when this baby is out. I feel like I've been pregnant forever!".

I'm sorry but she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me if she's already making comparisons between your two children. Who needs someone like that in their life?

Rtmhwales · 20/02/2019 01:43

31+6 for me - I text friends and SIL on their 32 week dates to say they'd now been more pregnant than I'd ever had to be. Wouldn't be the least bit offended. It's true.

treadcarefull · 20/02/2019 01:44

Why would she even say that Hmm

RogueV · 20/02/2019 01:45

I’ve had a 26 week stillbirth, a 32 weeker and a 35 weeker.

I’d be seriously pissed off at that comment.
Definitely ignore it though she will hopefully get the message.

People really don’t realise how hard it is having a premature baby.

Seline · 20/02/2019 01:45

Across sometimes people who say that have had miscarriages and just want the baby out so they can check the baby is safe.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2019 01:51

Maybe Seline but most of the time it's because they're complaining about fatigue, backaches, heartburn etc and not because they are worried about the health of the child. That I would understand.

Original poster
Ihavealwaysknown · 20/02/2019 01:54

@rogueV Flowers

@acrossthepond55 my list of things people say to preemie parents is never ending 🙄 it’s almost like an etiquette book needs to be written!

She is a good friend, I guess as others have said very caught up in herself and her baby at the moment and having never been a preemie parent (or parent) hasn’t twigged such comments can be hurtful.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 20/02/2019 01:57

“Also the ones who (usually unthinkingly) say things like "Ugh, I'll be so glad when this baby is out. I feel like I've been pregnant forever!".”

Surely that depends when they’re saying that, whether it’s a dick thing to say? I mean at 41 weeks it’s kind of fair...

Yep OP, that’s a really odd thing to text you.

Seline · 20/02/2019 02:08

across for me it was both. Being pregnant feels awful for me and I worry about the baby(ies).