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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex-preemie mum and pregnant friend

85 replies

Ihavealwaysknown · 20/02/2019 01:05

I know I’m being unreasonable but just wanted a rant.

DD is a former 33 weeker. Very, very scary end to the pregnancy and a tough start to parenthood. Anyways a friend is currently pregnant and has been asking for advice and tips throughout pregnancy. Today she hit 33+1 and sent me a message saying ‘I’m now more pregnant than you’ve ever been’

🙄 I know this probably wasn’t meant to upset/offend and is a fact, but she knows I’m already (like many other preemie parents) frustrated that my body couldn’t carry dd to term. Should I just take it on the chin, ignore and move on, or point out it was a little insensitive?

OP posts:

StitchingMoss · 20/02/2019 02:21

Wow! What an arse! I’ve never experienced prem birth but had years of IF/IVF before conceiving DC and people were just as bad about that. Some of the crap they used to say was unbelievable .

I would ignore the text in the hope she gets the message that it was wholly inappropriate.

sunnyaussiegirl · 20/02/2019 02:22

Dear Lord! she is an idiot, watch out OP, this may be the beginning of. a long list of shitty comments and comparisons

don't be afraid to speak out or even distance yourself if it gets too much, you don't need this

Shelley54 · 20/02/2019 02:27

Echoing a PP, my friend who had a 27 wheeler said it to me during both my pregnancies. It’s sometjing people say without meaning malice. I understand it may hurt you but I don’t think she’s intended to cause pain.

Shelley54 · 20/02/2019 02:28

27 weekend not wheeler. She doesn’t drive a lorry.

Shelley54 · 20/02/2019 02:28

I give up. It’s 2.28, I shouldn’t be typing.

sobeyondthehills · 20/02/2019 02:29

I would probably reply what the fuck????

My sister gave birth at 32 weeks and it was touch and go for a very very long time (DN is all good now) I would never have thought to send that sort of a message to her

Seline · 20/02/2019 02:30

across for me it was both. Being pregnant feels awful for me and I worry about the baby(ies).

Nothinglefttochoose · 20/02/2019 03:19

Very insensitive. I have a friend from uni that keeps telling me when she has a baby she’s having twins. I had twins and one of my boys died which she knows! I find it incredibly insensitive and hurtful. And if she says it again I’ll be having a go at her!!

clareboba8 · 20/02/2019 03:45

That's not a nice thing to say but she may not have meant much malice. Try not to take it to heart!

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 20/02/2019 03:48

It's a bit of an odd comment but like other people have said, us women are often obsessed with counting days during pregnancy. She was probably just trying to get you to share in her excitment by making a really crass joke without realising how insenstlitive it is.

I've made comments to friends in the past and have a bit of a dry sense of humour. A no reply normally tells me I've gone too far and should apologise!

All in all I'd ignore the comment, not reply and unless she is genuinely a spiteful person, I'd let it go.

dreichuplands · 20/02/2019 03:54

Honestly I would think wtf. If you value your friendship I would gently point out that it isn't a particularly kind comment. If she is less of a good friend I might be a bit blunter.

Jenny70 · 20/02/2019 04:04

I would reply "that is actually hurtful, I didn't choose for my child to be born early with all the stress and health implications that come with it. I am very glad your pregnancy is going well, but don't be competing over things neither of us have control over, it's just not kind".

BlackCatSleeping · 20/02/2019 04:05

Wow! What a bitch! My twins were also premature and spent 2 weeks in hospital. It was so scary wondering if the smaller twin would pull through or not.

I'd be careful. I had a friend who was oddly competitive about the kids after they were born. I couldn't be arsed with it all, so ditched her. It probably sounds horrible of me, but I just don't need that kind of negativity. Does it really matter if your child starts walking a month earlier than someone else's? Uh, no!

KC225 · 20/02/2019 06:50

I would be typing back 'And you are more insensitive than I ever was or will be. Pregnacy hormones perhaps?'

Is she a competitive type? Usualy rude?

Hollowvictory · 20/02/2019 06:53

Gosh how rude, very distasteful. My twins were born at 33 weeks. I've be er had anyone make a distasteful comment. She doesn't sound very nice. You need a good comeback but I'm too disgusted to think Of one!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 20/02/2019 07:02

That's a weird thing to send. I might well think it (as in hey, that's an odd true fact), but would never send it to the other person because of the risk of upsetting them! A friend of mine who routinely had 36-weekers cheerfully pointed out that I was more pregnant than she'd ever been when I got to 8 months and a week, but that came from her (and was much further along). Big difference.

I'd be tempted to text back "It's not a competition,

SubparOwl · 20/02/2019 07:03

Why? What was she even thinking? That's horrendous.

SummerHouse · 20/02/2019 07:11

What @jenny said.

Also to PP who likened it to the other way round where the mum if a prem baby says it to a pregnant mum..... Totally different!!!!

Tartanwallpaper · 20/02/2019 07:11

Reply "oh yes. And its XXX weeks until your fanny never looks the same :)"

Damntheman · 20/02/2019 07:15

looool Tartanwallpaper!

But wow. Definitely don't ignore it, people are not mindreaders and she will not get the message/hint.

Gently tell her how insensitive such a comment is so she has a chance to apologise and will know not to do it again, otherwise you could be fielding such comments for the next 9 weeks.

StationView · 20/02/2019 07:23

YADNBU. I had a very sudden, very rapid labour at 35 weeks. DD spent ten days in SCBU with jaundice, nasogastric tube, the works. Appallingly stressful, but I repeatedly had people telling me how lucky I was to have a quick labour. Yeah, because it's great going to bed expecting to go to work the next day, but to be a mother six hours later

DD is in her early twenties now, but I'm still irritated by women who complain that the last month of pregnancy is uncomfortable. They don't know how lucky they are.

londonrach · 20/02/2019 07:23

Its insenstive thing to text so yanbu. However people say things. Dont reply as that says alot more than anything.

Not the same in any way but i remember my dad on his 70th birthday saying all day im older than my dad (his dad died 69).

Dippypippy1980 · 20/02/2019 07:26

Text back

Wow - that stung. Why would you say that?

She needs to understand it hurt.

RedFeltHeart · 20/02/2019 07:29

Hm, I don't think she understands how that sounds to you at all.

My youngest was born by emcs at 35 weeks because she'd stopped growing, I had reduced liquor and they said she wouldn't last the weekend.

I had complete strangers say all sorts of ridiculous things to me about the fact I had a tiny prem baby but I just ignored them.

I do think your sentiment is a little sad though. My pregnancy was horrible; I had HG and lost weight as the GP/midwife wouldn't take it seriously. She had to be born early because I couldn't sustain her/the pregnancy. But I don't ever feel frustrated at my body for not carrying her to term. She's a warrior!