Ex-preemie mum and pregnant friend

[Ihavealwaysknown]

I know I’m being unreasonable but just wanted a rant.

DD is a former 33 weeker. Very, very scary end to the pregnancy and a tough start to parenthood. Anyways a friend is currently pregnant and has been asking for advice and tips throughout pregnancy. Today she hit 33+1 and sent me a message saying ‘I’m now more pregnant than you’ve ever been’

🙄 I know this probably wasn’t meant to upset/offend and is a fact, but she knows I’m already (like many other preemie parents) frustrated that my body couldn’t carry dd to term. Should I just take it on the chin, ignore and move on, or point out it was a little insensitive?

Bloody hell, I sometimes put my foot in it accidentally but that really is a very self absorbed and insensitive thing to say to anyone who has had a preemie.

I doubt she means malice and is kind of just thinking aloud, which was a silly thing to share with you.
I was born at 30 weeks a long long time ago and when I reached it with my dc my mum and I would always think wow they could be born right now, imagine that, sort of thing.
My siblings were full term.

My ds was a 33.3 weeker , I would find that a bit hurtful, but I would probs turn it around and point out how shite she's going to feel when she gets bigger! And she wnt be laughing when she can't move!. That what I would say when people commented on my premmie birth, 'yeah he done me a favour as I was already starting to struggle, dnt want to imagine making it to 37/38weeks'

That’s an awful thing to say. Is she perhaps just very very dim and does not realise what is involved in having a premature baby?

I wouldn’t let this go, I would reply that her text and other comments had been rude and insensitive and pissed me off!

I think the MN classic “wow did you mean to be so rude to me? I’m
Hoping that was a foot-in-mouth moment rather than actively having a dig at me”

Wow I outwardly gasped. If you are going to send something back, perhaps keep it simple and devoid of emotion. “Please don’t make this into a competition. Having a premature baby was the most painful stressful experience of my life.”

She’s being ridiculously self centred but unless she has form, it’s not personal.

I wouldn't let it go either. I'd reply with something along the lines of "wow. Bit harsh" as I suspect she was just being a thoughtless dick but that's no excuse.

'Well thanks for that, did you mean to be so rude?'

What an insensitive thing to say, I'd be cross and I would call her out on it

Shes a dick

I think you're being over sensitive and she wasn't intending to hurt your feelings.

I'd be pissed off (one 33 weeker, one 36 weeker whose escape attempt at 33 weeks was thwarted - I don't seem to go near full-term) - I'm allowed to make comments and joke with the midwife that I bet I delivered before seeing her again - but other people don't get the prerogative of gloating over making it further into pregnancy than I did!

I can joke about it now - but it really did traumatise me very very severely for a long time and I think it's only now nearly 7 years on that I'm anywhere near back to the person I was before mental health wise.

Did she text you this out of the blue to drop this wonderful pearl of wisdom, or was it during a conversation? I've been known to say stupid things to keep the light-hearted tone of a conversation going, only to realise too late it might have come across badly. But I can't imagine someone, apropos of nothing, thinking, 'Oh, yes, I must text Ihave to point out I'm more pregnant than she's ever been.'

WTF, making ANY comments about your premature birth comparing to her own pregnancy is shitty. Anyone with half a brain would know that.
I'd reply "yeah, thanks for that." and probably reconsider the friendship

Very insensitive thing for her to say to you. Although I had DD1 at 35+2, and DD2 at 37+3, when friend got over the 37+3 mark I said to her that she was more pregnant than I had ever been. To me, it was a positive, for her to get past me is a good thing! She's high risk for the same complications I had with DD1, so for her to get past my milestone is awesome. For the same reason I wouldn't be upset if she had said it to me, but I'm not you. I totally understand why it upset you.
Please don't see your premature birth as a failing on your part. Being a preemie mum is terrifying, but it's not your fault. Your body didn't fail you or your baby.

Wow, I'm sure she just didn't think. Maybe a return text saying. "Bit insensitive" and leave it at that.

Interesting because I find that describing “ex-preemie” and “former 33 weeker” as insensitive. And being unsure of whether they were 33 or 34, weirder still.

But if a good friend made this comment, I’d laugh along with it because presumably they would have been through the whole thing with me.

There’s no such thing as a right or wrong thing to say to a preemie mum. If your friend upset you, tell her.

That would be mightily annoying OP. Why is she competing with you? Is she jealous of you in some other area of life? (relationship/job etc)?

I'd be tempted to text her explaining it's insensitive etc but I find it hard to believe she doesn't already know that, so in a way you'd be giving her the response she wants. It's more than insensitive - insensitive would be "Made it to 33 weeks!" in a rather ham-fisted way of remembering your struggles at that time. But "I'm more pregnant that you've ever been" is so personal yet without acknowledging your worry/pain of that time.

I'd ignore it completely, or text back saying simply "Congratulations" or "good for you". Unless she has the skin of a rhino she must know the underlying message, but you won't have given too much away for her to feed off, if that's her motivation, subconscious or otherwise. If she doesn't mean it/was literally being thoughtless then she will take it at face value. You certainly won't have said anything she could consider as upsetting, unless she wants to give her own (competitive and rather mean) hand away.

It's just occurred to me that she was scared that she'd deliver early too and that this is her (very ham-fisted) way of saying that she's relieved that she didn't.

In case of the above, I'd amend my response to "I'm glad you've made it past 33 weeks, but please remember that this isn't a competition and that I still feel really shit about how it all went in my case. Let's not do the comparing thing."

@Yabbers I don’t really understand why you would find that insensitive. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s medically accurate and has been used to describe DD by paediatricians. I quite like it as it means she has overcome the prematurity because she’s a little warrior 🙌🏻

Thanks all for the advice, I’m seeing her later this week so may mention it in person 😊

Wow, what a dick move. And I had a 41 weeker, huge healthy baby, easy pregnancy etc. I'd never dream of saying anything like that to someone who had a preemie and my jaw would hit the floor if I witnessed it in public. I do think you should say something - how to phrase it will depend on the rest of your friendship. At that moment however, she was a dick.

OP is NOT being oversensitive, the friend has repeatedly been rude and insensitive.

"Congrats, let's hope you make it to term and don't have to go through what I went through, hey? "

You could just play it with a straight bat and say "I am really glad, because having a preemie was utterly terrifying and I would never want you to go through what happened to me."

Happy for you but ouch would be my response.