Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

smells like demons

Newadventure I think I married your Ex. Mornings can particularly duck-like. I regularly hear my son laughing at how it sounds.

Same friend also once chased me down the lane with her own shit in her hand.

Evidence that we are indeed related to monkeys!

Duck falling out of arse
Laughing and farting as I type....

My DS frequently lets rip in the supermarket - we move away pretty quickly. At work we have had a smell so bad in the non office area that I was convinced that my DF, DS and my ExH were having a farting contest

The last flat I lived in was on a fourth floor. One day after doing a food shop with DBF, he loaded some bags in to the lift and took them up.
He then sent the lift back down, the door opened, and I was nearly blinded by the stench of shit emitting from it. He'd sent a fart back down in the lift.
I could hear him laughing from the fourth floor 😷

Sometimes when i fart , my husband looks at me, raises an eyebrow and asks me if i need to go and check my pants

Since we're all anonymous on here: Skinny dipping at night off Florida's gulf coast, I discover how picturesque fart bubbles look by moonlight; it sort of catches each "pffft" as it bursts and looks really quite pretty - almost diamante-like IYKWIM?

Knowing, however, that they resulted from a tummy upset the sensible thing would have been to get out, but I was just too fascinated by the light effects - and that's when I followed though

It was last seen heading for Mexico in a determined sort of way ...

After my youngest was born, by c-section, I was in bed waiting for the feeling to fully come back to my legs and occasionally having to gingerly tilt myself over to one side to release a series of surprisingly large farts.

During rounds, the impossibly young doctor popped in and asked me how I was feeling etc and then said 'And have you been passing wind?' I was mortified and said 'Oh no - has someone on the ward complained?' and he, very manfully, tried to suppress giggles as he explained that it's just a standard question as c-sections often result in trapped wind and he wanted to make sure everything was proceeding as expected.

Actually, come to think of it, when I was in labour with my oldest, I was on a LOT of drugs and was drifting in and out of it in between contractions. At one point I farted, and heard my husband and the midwife, Mark, laughing. I snapped to and said 'I can't believe you two are laughing at me farting!' at which point my husband explained that they weren't laughing because I had farted, but because after I had done it I said 'Ha ha, I totally farted' in an uncannily good Beavis and Butthead impression complete with grunty laugh.

I snapped to and said 'I can't believe you two are laughing at me farting

Found the Snapped and Farted of the thread!

Well I'm sitting here farting every time I laugh.... Which is a lot 😂

Dh and I never fart in front of each other. When we are asleep though... he is currently crashed out in the sofa. He just snored really loud and farted. It sounded like an owl bring strangled.

My great fart shame, quite coincidentally, was this morning.
My gf and I are still in the early stages of our relationship where we're pretending that no bodily functions exist beyond peeing.
We're currently on holiday and the house we are in has the bathroom conveniently located off the lounge with the sofa right next to the bathroom door.
She was on the sofa playing with the dog and I went to use the bathroom. Anticipating mild wind due to holding everything in FOREVER I switched on the bathroom tap, as one does working on the principle that gently running water would drown out any sound I made.
I parked myself on the lavatory expecting to gently and quietly ease out some trapped air.
No.
God no.
I released a mortifying cacophony which reverberated around the completely tiled bathroom like a tuba in an echo chamber.

All I could think to do in this situation was to send gf a WhatsApp from 1 metre away saying
"Sorry. Jesus!"

I've been ashamed all day.

I once woke myself up with a fart so loud it shook the bed I was sleeping in with my new bf.. he found it hilarious.
One time when I was pregnant with dd i was sleeping on the sofa and ex had his mate there.. I was so tired and full of wind, arse hanging off the sofa just merrily trumping away, I was sort of aware of friend in the room but was too tired and pregnant to care.

Ah yes verv
The old tap trick.. the person in the other room knows exactly what you're doing in there of course but it's at least comforting to the person doing the peeing/pooping.
A 'firemans blanket' works in the same way.

One of my friends sometimes comes round with an Indian takeaway and we usually share an onion bhaji. One night, we had two extra, must have got someone else's as we definitely didn't order three. We had one each and she took the other one home for her husband.

Next morning I was drying my hair and was bent forward when I dropped what I knew was going to be a stinker and bloody hell, it was one of the worst.

I decided to text my friend and say that in future I think I would not have onion bhajis again as I'd nearly axphyxiated myself.

She was laughing and said that when she got home she went straight to bed and had been trumping for ages when her husband came upstairs to bed and thought she was asleep. As he came into the bedroom she heard him say "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that awful smell"!

Still not sure if she every admitted it was her.

@Newadventure I once farted in the car when travelling with my DH, PIL, and SIL - tried to sneak it out but it fairly quacked its way out (I blame the fact I was pregnant). Everyone pretended it hadn’t happened except DH who waited a couple of seconds then said ‘by, that duck’s got bad breath’. Mortifying.

that ducks got bad breath stealing that for next time ex does a quacker.

taxi exact same thing has happened to me, last year.. during a manoeuvre! Mortified was not the word so I feel your pain. Go back, I did, brazen it out, it happens, well to two of us anyway!! Lol

Newadventure I can understand that! My ex’s used to sound like one thousand gorillas clapping with one hand semi-simultaneously. Very odd!

When pregnant and in the house alone except for toddler ds I let rip an enormous long lengthy baritone- ds applauded me for my farting prowess

My moat embarrassing one was when I started secondary school, it was in Drama. We sat in a massive circle and was doing the name everyone before you game, I had absolutely no confidence and got really anxious and started crying, the teacher picked my up by the arm and I let out the biggest fart in a silent drama studio i was absolutely mortified.

Sat on top of the guy I fancied. It was silent but deadly. He noticed and asked if I farted. I said no. We moved on but it was obvious I did as no one else in the room. I still think about it 10 years later

I have to say, "botty bubble" has made me completely corpse. DD is determined to try that phrase on DS when he's back from his skiing trip Saturday.

Think it must've been the drugs they give you but felt no shame whatsoever when, lying on my side, knees pulled up to chest, about to have a colonoscopy, and excitedly told the doc and nurse i was about to fart in their faces. It was like a trombone and went on forever. Luckily the smell wasnt too gross as farts go. Mostly smelled of that moviprep stuff. Guess they are used to it. I really didnt care though.