Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

Oh no stop it everyone! I'm pissing myself and snorting..and trying to control myself at my desk !

A few years ago we went out for dinner for DDs birthday (we were on holiday in France) DS was 4 at the time and let out the most awful putrid sbd farts at regular intervals throughout the meal, including while sitting on my lap!! 🤢 in the end i had to take him outside. He was actually quite proud of his "thunderparps!"
2 years later (again out for DDs birthday) he repeated the exercise in a restaurant in our home town. Despite the awful pong, i couldnt stop laughing, but FIL got v cross and apologised to the waiter telling him it was DS. By the end of the meal we were the only ones left in the restaurant!!😂😂

We are a very windy family generally. But DS2 outdoes us all.

I've told this story on here before but it's still a good 'un...

As a newborn he would produce so much wind, we would just stare in amazement while this tiny baby would let rip with the power and velocity of a shire horse.

He used to get a very hard tummy so I would lift up his legs and 'bicycle' him which would, in turn, release (a lot) of gas.

3am one night. Just fed. Rock hard tummy. Lifted up legs which didn't work. Realised he needed a nappy change.

Made the fatal error of lifting his legs to slip the fresh nappy underneath. The force of all his wind released a poonami of such epic magnitude into my face, it actually hit the wall behind me.

There was even an outline of my head on the wallpaper. Thank god I was wearing glasses (although I did think if this was a comedy, little windscreen wipers would then have gone into action)

DS2 still produces legendary farts..and is mighty proud of them. He can clear a room in seconds....

I was at work and absolutely full of a cold and had just served a huge queue of customers when I suddenly coughed after serving my last customer and unexpectedly let out a really loud manfart thanks to the force of my cough (hadn't even realised I needed to fart! - thought I'd got away with it until I saw a huge biker guy stood at the end of the till section, doubled over laughing with tears in his eyes and everything and then he said (after multiple breaks for laughter and gasps for breath - (not for whiffs btw).._) "How can such a tiny thing like you blast out a noise like that? I thought you were gonna take off!"

This is the best thread I have EVER read anywhere! I'm on reception trying to stifle my laughing and hide my tears. I am a terrible farter and almost every one smells like demons. i once did a particularly sbd one in my local supermarket as I was waiting to pay with my boyfriend (who incidentally knows my affliction). I knew there was a lady and two teenagers in the queue behind me but I couldn't hold it and had a terrible stomach cramp at the time. I knew the reaction wouldn't be a good one but I didn't expect the teenagers to move away from me, the lady to exclaim to the shopkeeper 'omg your shop stinks, you need to spray some airfreshener in here!' a man a the BACK of the shop shout 'OMG!' and the cashier to then run to the door and open it. To my complete mortification I stood silently going red and caught my boyfriend's eye whose look of utter disgust said to me 'I know it was you...' By the time I had escaped and crossed the road, I was in absolute stitches.

There was even an outline of my head on the wallpaper.

I've just spat out my crisps.

Oh no, I've had a flashback I had managed to obliviate until now. Imagine a really good night, drinking mild and having a fine old time. Now fast forward to the morning in an event tent and really letting one rip, which you could almost see and chew. 😊 The tent cleared in about 2 seconds and there was just me falling apart laughing and a poor member of staff who couldn't follow the masses however much they wanted to 😂

I have just spent the best part of half an hour sniggering at these tales like an eight year old schoolboy. Bloody fab and just what I needed! Keep 'em coming 😃

After a veg filled meal earlier on I had gone to bed tooting away. They were so bad they were making me feel a bit ill.
Anyhow, an hour or so later, just as I’m on the edge of sleep, DH comes up to bed. He opens our bedroom door and I hear him exclaim “oh my God!” Then I hear him step into the bathroom and he comes back into the bedroom spraying deodorant, all the while I’m tucked under the duvet shaking with silent laughter

I so needed this today! Thank you!

I have IBD and I celebrate a good gusty fart. The motto for people with IBD tends to be "Never Trust a Fart", but my latest treatment has me jet powered through life as I fart away with pride and enthusiasm.

(Once thought I was going to fart in the car and ended up sitting in a shit tsunami - we could never use the heated seats again as they brought back aromatic memories.....)

I let out a massive ripper in the gym once 🙈 I was on the leg press and decided to show off a bit and put my weight up to 130kg...did a couple of reps... then PARRRP! There were a group of guys using the smyth machine next to me and I could tell they were all sniggering, I was mortified. I just continued with my set like nothing happened but when I got up and was walking away I heard one of the guys say to his friend “did you just fart there” and they all started laughing. I honestly wanted to die 🤦🏽‍♀️

My mother had a touch of the Hyacinth Bouquets and I was at her place one day when she had some naice friends round for afternoon tea. They were discussing someone who they thought was ‘uncouth’. My mother was saying, “Personally, I NEVER pass wind ‘down the way’”, just as she bent over the low coffee table to fill Mrs Thing’s cup. PARP!!!
No one said anything, just sipped politely.

Not me, but DH! We were in A shop one morning, it was fairly quiet and he thought it was coming out quietly! It REALLY didn’t it was a proper loud one so the bugger tried to blame me...

Only a woman coming round the aisle had caught him. She shouted I heard that, omg that was a belter! 🙈😂 She followed him around the shop giggling, told me it had made her day, told the cashier he had done it, and every other customer in the shop 🤣 He was properly mortified and NOTHING generally phases him, served him right for trying to blame me 😂😂😂

My DH just saw me laughing with tears in my eyes at this thread again and asked why do I need to read about people's farts. Don't I have enough of my real ones? 😂

Once he woke himself up with his one.
Prrrrrrrrp!
"What. What happened?"
Turned around and fell asleep again.
I had to leave the bedroom to go and have a laugh😂

Dogs are famous for their farts! Our old one used to make us evacuate the room. When he got really old they got even worse! More than once even he stood up and left😂

My very elegant and ladylike sister once woke me up farting in an entirely different room from me (toilet was next to our bedroom)!!

I'm reading these and am a giggly, teary mess, with DD looking at me and rolling her eyes.

I do remember one from childhood, from my dad. We were in a cafe at a tourist attraction that was like an echoy barn, with wooden benches, etc. Dad lets rip, and it echoed round the whole room. DM, DBro and I slunk down in our seats and left as soon as we were able to.

Dad is still an epic farter, with DBro up there with him. DCs reckon I'm not far behind .

queenofthefarts HOWLING at the now defunct electric seats! Similar issues here but have luckily avoided that fate so far.

I've been laughing at "came up with a centre parting" all day. I keep dissolving into fits of giggles

When DD was 2 years old, we were sitting having dinner with my late MIL, who was very middle class and repressed.
DD let rip with a large fart. She beamed and announced proudly “DD done a fart!”.
MIL looked horrified. “No no, darling,” she admonished. “Not a fart, a botty bubble.”
I had to leave the room as I couldn’t stop laughing. When the DC were teens we still used to occasionally refer to “botty bubbles” and end up in fits!

I am so made up that this thread has made so many people laugh in a boring February week. All I was after was a bit of "me too, don't worry"...It's the simple things that make us laugh and make us human and a great leveller. A fart is the same in any language!

I am sure floofs have been laughed at since eve gulped that apple down a bit fast and made her fig leaf flap.

Well I came home on a dark winters night to what appeared to be an empty house. Just in case called out (loudly!) DS’s name (twice!) - as thought I was all alone I let rip a rather noisy one. Phew! Only to then hear giggling from the living room - was 15year old DS & girlfriend snuggling on the settee.

I went straight to my room and she left (and never returned).

Oh god you've killed me @theluckiest

I am personally gratified that my DHs emergence with a centre parting has caused such amusement.

My top is soaked - I'm crying laughing so hard!

DH says that he knows exactly where I am in the house from my parps; like foul-smelling echolocation.

I can also confirm that (as illustrated in one of the Scooby Doo films) if someone bursts unexpectedly into the room while you are mid-fart, it will turn into the sound of a zip.

My exs farts sound like a duck quacking. Like an actual duck falling out of his arse.