Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

My husband farted in a shopping aisle, when he realised how bad it was he tutted about the lack of cleanliness in these places.
Not farts, but when I was in labour for days I couldn't wee. Tried all sorts but there was definitely a block. Then while the poor midwife was having a good old look with me on all fours I let our about 4 gallons of piss. Every time I think of it I remember myself as a horse. I also shat on my son as he was making his beautiful entrance into this world.

I can't face him again.

You didn't face him then

Has anyone seen this? Dog fart reaction. Turn sound up.

Ds was leathal as a baby.
He would burp and fart like a fully grown man and he was only a teeny tiny 3lb preemie.
The nursing staff and other parents in the nicu blamed dp for it and didn't believe it was ds until we went in one day and the room was in stitches.
Turns out ds had just let out the loudest, longest fart in history, it actually drowned out the machines. It was so bad they had to check he'd not poonamied.
Dp got a lot of apologies that day

I was doing a yoga class last week, and finally managed a shoulder stand. The teacher liked what I was doing and got the rest of the class to watch. In the silence, as I was slowly lowering my legs, I let out a long, musical fart which went on for about eight seconds. Then when my feet finally landed on the ground, I did another 'phhhhhtttttt'.

I'm normally not a big farter, I can mostly control them around other people and they aren't huge and scary and stinky. I have got a story that's making me blush just writing about it though. I've been ill for a couple of weeks, and haven't eaten in 9 days. When I was in hospital they kept asking me if I'd had a bowel movement and I kept telling them I hadn't eaten a thing so had nothing to come through. They insisted it didn't work like that, that bowel movements were mostly stomach acid and bacteria and that I should be 'going' just the same. I sighed and rolled my eyes internally but forced down some of the (disgusting!!) Movicol they insisted on giving me. I was discharged yesterday and almost the second I got through the door I felt the urge to fart. No-one was in the room so I did, only, you guessed it, it wasn't just a fart! It was a massive explosion of watery stink, loud enough to be heard in the next room where my parents were, and I think from the fact I suddenly got up and hurried past them and jumped in the shower they knew what had happened! Worst thing was I had to throw away my very best pair of knickers. They were gorgeous and I'm sad. BUT I'm eternally grateful it waited until I was home. In hospital or in the car would have been unspeakably awful.

We were staying with DP's mum overseas. She cooks nice food, but it's very fatty and I don't think my gut likes it.

So anyway we went for a walk with DP's friends in the countryside, and in a quiet lull in conversation, with no warning and no way of controlling or stopping it, I produced a scent-free, thankfully, but very loud fart. Tried to fiddle with some velcro on my jacket but don't think it fooled them.

came back up with a centre parting"

I might actually be sick laughing.

A couple of years ago me, my mum and dds went to the natural history museum. As we went to each bit there was the most awful disgusting smell. We loudly blamed the family that had been behind us and looking at the same things. It smelt like something had died it was horrible.... we got outside a few hours later DD1 pipes up "I'm sorry for farting so much" giggling away. We were mortified the family definitely heard us blame them and say the culprite needs to go to the toilet 😂

At a sleepover she went to at the weekend the mum messaged me telling me "your daughter has the trumpiest bottom I've ever known" she frequently tells me she farts when she's happy, excited or nervous 🤣

A 70 yr old aunt struck up a friendship with a neighbour which progressed nicely for 6 months. One day, in a teashop, she let out a massive fart but, rather than be embarrassed, fell about laughing. He said "this is the kind of thing that makes me love you. Will you marry me?" 8 years on, they fart and laugh ALOT together!

I went to see a band once and was right at the front, right near the stage and I accidentally let a really awful smelling eggy fart out, it was so bad the singer actually commented on it at the end of the song! I was mortified.

Im one of those boring people who can control my farts quite well.

DP on the other hand.... tho hes very proud of his farts! The worst one ever though was during a...er..romantic monent.. foreplay in full swing etc and he let out the worst fart i have ever witnessed in my life.. to the point that even his erection just curled up and died. We both had to leave the room and ended up a giggly naked mess stood on the landing wafting the doorway!

I am very good at controlling mine but I did once poo all over our builder, which is probably worthy of its own thread!

I was doing pregnancy yoga, and I needed to fart the whole way through but was able to keep it in. Feeling rather good with myself we were down to our last move - nearly freedom but just as I bent over I farted. All the ladies looked at each other to confirm who did it, I joined in. Thank goodness no one was behind me!!!

I.am.howling!!!

I don't think I have any stories that come close to the ones on here. The last few times I have stayed at DPs though I have done a couple of those half asleep farts that kind of wake you up!!! And each time I have lay there dead still pretending it hasn't woken me and PRAYING that he has slept through - it hasn't been mentioned so fingers crossed.

embarrassingstoryteller please PLEASE tell us that story......

This thread has to go ointo classics. Must say I am surprised none of the killjoys have been on yet to scold our immaturity

There was a guy I fancied like mad for ages, proper lust. Anyway, finally we went on a few dates and then invited him round for dinner at my place. I had new dining chairs with basket weave seats and we were sitting opposite each other at opposite ends of the table. I was over-excited anyway and proper giddy with him being in my flat. But he was also incredibly funny, and had me in hysterics, when the farting started. Each time I laughed this ‘squork’ sound came out of me and rattled round the basket weave seat of the chair. The more I laughed the more I ‘squorked’, it was awful and helpless at the same time. God, he was gorgeous (sigh).

I love this thread, so many funny posts.

even his erection curled up and died

Im laughing so hard no sound is coming out

I did once poo all over our builder, which is probably worthy of its own thread!

squorked

This is the thread that keeps on giving. I have never heard the word squork used for a fart 😂😂😂

After a difficult and tiring labour I was asleep in the hospital bed while a midwife was sitting beside me feeding my newborn. I was lying on my side with my back to her and farted so loudly I woke myself up. I turned around looked at MW accusingly (she was polite and sat straight faced as though nothing has happened), looked around the room confused and went back to sleep. To this day I still cringe for not acknowledging what I'd just done although I'm sure she has seen and heard much worse as a midwife

It was one with a bit of a question mark noise at the end

Howling here,I've had to take my glasses off more than once because of the tears.

Had a smallish abdominal surgery, they told me it would involve a 30 minute recovery then fine to be driven home. DP was there when I woke, and we realised my whole midsection seemed strangely bloated. Nurse had a poke and said ‘nothing to worry about’. I was in a kind of recovery room dormitory, sectioned off with small curtains, but open to the room/ward. I started to feel very weird. Stood up and something shifted inside me.

Well. A fart started deep within. It rumbled to the surface and burst forth for at least 15 minutes. It’s rythym rose and fell, at times louder and foghorn-like, then quiet and squeaky. But 15 minutes, with hardly any breaks. Me half upright, half on the bed. Every time I moved it changed tune. Medical staff gathering around me in awe. Nothing to be done but wait for all the air to make its way out.

It turned out to be good practice for childbirth 2 years later. I’m just amazed he wanted to have sex with me ever

I think when it’s that mammoth, you just have to own it, and hope to style it out.

Medical staff gathering around me in awe.

Stop it!!!