Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

Bearing in mind my plaintive claim earlier in this thread of being a pathetic farter, this evening I discreetly lifted a cheek to allow forth a ladylike, rosy-fragranced fluff while my DH slumbered beside me on the sofa after a hard day, and what I can only describe as an entire brass band accidentally erupted from my arse. The blast woke him with such alarm that he flailed his arms like a baby.

This thread made my bed judder for all the wrong reasons!!

My worst fart story happened a few years ago. I was driving to work as I felt a 'herald pump' coming. I managed to dash past my colleagues to the staff lol in the nick of time for the full blown performance. It was a bit more than wind mind and I pebble dashed myself the entire toilet cubicle. I emerged via the office red faced and tearful declaring that I'd had a toilet accident and needed to get home to change. A colleague broke the tension by pissing herself (not literally) and telling us all 'putkettle' has 'sharted'. I timidly whined 'yes, all over my Boden pencil skirt too' which just seemed to escalate the situation.

As I am a HCP I was told not to come back for 48 hours after things had 'settled down' and my female colleagues (female to male ratio is 10:1) reassured me they'd clear up my mess. Well above the call of duty. I sent a huge bouquet as a thankyou to whoever did the deed only to be told it was my male boss 😳

I know this is a bit more poo than fart story and promise I'm not poo troll. I'd never heard of sharting until then but it seems to have entered normal parlance now. Relationships with my boss have never felt the same...

Oh this is seriously my kind of thread!

I'm sure I have many farting stories but I cannot recall one right now.

When I've had something like onions and I know I'll be in for a night of really smelly ones, quite often do a ton of sbd ones in bed and then waft the covers up so it hits DH straight in the nostrils

When my DSis was a child, one of my mums church friends knocked on our door for something and DSis opened it, and before even saying hello said very proudly "I lift my leg up to fart, just like my dad does!"
The poor woman was speechless, and my sister has never lived it down since

Farted so hard on the sofa that it hurt my arse and I let out a little shriek of pain. My teenage kids found this hilarious.

Mines not a typical bum fart story but nonetheless I will never forget it.

I had just had my daughter and was lying in bed when Bounty came round to do the newborn photos. I sat up and leaned over to get my baby and let out the hugest fanny fart ever. Every move I made produced a further flurry of extreme fanny farts.

When I opened the hospital curtain I found the Bounty lady laughing silently with tears streaming out of her eyes.

She composed herself and all I could utter in my embarrassment was ‘sorry but I must be a bit loose’.

@Bonnetdedeuce I've just laughed so hard I think I might have weed a bit

Such a good thread. Good work OP.

What is it about pregnancy/childbirth that makes you so windy?! I made my 1yo laugh with one of my farts earlier.

Worst is when you are in customer service and behind a counter. You just have to try really hard to hold it and try to SNEAK some when no one is around.
We were near to closing time. Everyone has been served. My belly rumbled. Absolute panic, because I was the only staff there atm and couldn't just dash off somewhere...
So I decided that since I didn't eat anything bad, I will try to release gradually...
Success! It was quiet ones!
Deadly. F*ng deadly.
Panic
And OBVIOUSLY that just must be the time, customer stands up and starts heading towards the counter...
I could have cried. Quickly pulled out bin and started changing it hissing "Gosh, what is in there?"
I can't believe he didn't report us to hygiene...

As someone with funny belly, I have million stories😁 Imho people can sense that someone in that and that direction is about to fart or farted.
Like really messed up Sixth sense.

I'm sitting on the loo right now (with awful IBS) making those exact awful noises with my partner in the other room. I feel like shit😫 FML
I think it was the soya mince I used to make a bolognese this evening.

I'm with @siestakey

Currently on my loo with bad guts, the cat has decided to join me for a shit. One of her litter trays is in here.

Mine is noisy but my god hers bloody stinks!!! I live alone so it's only my cats that have to put up with me

They sleep in my bed, so I do occasionally, accidentally fart on them. (Not tonight though, it wouldn't inflict this on them)

@BayandBlonde argh poor you! The cramps are so bad for me- just taken some Imodium so fingers crossed in an hour I can have a shower and go to bed peacefully!

Me and the OH as a rule never used to fart in front of one another.
I'm no prude and I find farts gloriously funny but when starting out over 10 years ago I thought it best to maintain some mystique in our relationship.

Heavily pregnant one night, my guts were going mental.
I was hoofing my big pregnant self off the sofa every 2 minutes to fart in our bedroom, getting more and more upset each time through embarrassment, pain and woe.
He kept telling me to just let them out there and then, and as I wailed "but I don't want to faaaaart" I let out a fart at exactly the same pitch and tone as said wailing.

It's game on in our house now, my delicate dainty daughter outfarts us all. She did one earlier and proudly announced that it sounded like a sad duck!

@siestakey It's well known for those repercussions as I know only too well. Never ever going to eat it ever again 😂

I am roaring with laughter!! Funniest thread ever. I am guilty of every variety of fart, but only let them go in front of nearest and dearest. Had to hold on to one yesterday whilst doing a yoga class, I am quite proud of the strength of my spincter muscle, must be doing something right.

Quickly pulled out bin and started changing it hissing "Gosh, what is in there?

That's a good tactic.

I was in an Asda changing room with my young son, trying some school trousers on him. As I knelt down, I farted quite loudly. I quickly said 'xxxx that was loud, can't take you anywhere!' So basically I blamed it on him however he quickly retorted 'mum! that was you!' & we fell about laughing, could've wait to tell his dad who was wondering around the shop 'mummy farted in the changing room!' (Yes the changing rooms were quite busy!)

I was being spooned by DP and it was early days where you're still too nervy to even eat in front of them, so I'd had nothing to eat and I get a bit gassy when I don't.
I started drifting off and was awoken by the unmistakable noise of my arse. DP who was still awake said 'you just farted on my dick! I had to pull up the covers to check you hadn't circumcised me!'
I was mortified and tried recreating the sound with the springs on the bed but he wasn't having it.

Sat in the office silently laughing on my own to these the fanny farting photo shoot made me roar !!

I was cycling to work this morning, stopped at the lights and thought I was alone so let out an ENORMOUS fart......directly into the face of the cyclist who’d quietly stopped behind me. Mortified.

Iooselipssinkships Hahahaha so funny!

I was changing my 5 month old yesterday morning, her nappy was off, when my DP walked in and said ‘hello darlin’ she lifted her legs up in excitement and farted! He said ‘oh is that how we greet each other now’, we were in stitches!

Nobody told me that babies fart like flatulent old men! Well, mine did, anyway!

For some reason over the last couple of years I have earned the nickname ‘notorious thunder pants” occasionally my fart resembles a (strong) mouse punching his way out of a paper bag, the force behind them is incredible ( they can actually hurt my fart hole)

This must be a record to have got this many pages into a fart thread without the fart police popping up to tell us all how immature and puerile we are, that farts are disgusting and that you should always go to the toilet to let one out.

I am often out walking the dogs and letting rip a stonking great fart or several in the middle of a field is sooooo satisfying. Done that many times.

Once while in my own in a lift at work I thought it would be safe to blow off. To my horror it absolutely stunk, I mean like rotten eggs. The doors opened and a whole team of doctors got in, obviously on their way up a few floors to see a patient. I couldn't get out but had to stay in the lift, mortified, watching them trying not to make faces or comment on the dreadful smell.

@probablynotrelevant ooh yes my third dc farted like a trouper when he was a baby! Like proper loud ones, it was almost unbelievable the noise that would come out of such a tiny human!