Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

This is such a funny thread!

I'm cabin crew. I was once working in first class. I was plating up the food and my colleague was taking it out to the cabin. As I was finishing a stack of arranged food I had to stifle a sneeze, a big sneeze. It came out the other end instead as a really loud fart. Just as my colleague walked into the galley. She never said a word, just took the dish out to the passenger, but she must have heard, she couldn't not have (probably all of first class did too!).

Another time we hid a fart sound machine in another steward's bar trolley. We went out into the cabin serving drinks. Every time he bent over the purser in the galley pressed the remote control on the fart machine. Sometimes it did a huge fart, sometimes it was a phiff, other times it was a question mark(brill description!). The passengers thought it was him, he thought it was them. I was on a trolley on the opposite aisle trying to keep a straight face. I failed. I had to excuse myself and go back to the galley to cry with laughter alongside the purser. The steward came back in going "I don't know what that lot ate for breakfast but.." We pretty much wet ourselves.

We had the great Jerusalem artichoke incident. I am well renowned for my noisy guffs but had no idea the effect of these vegetables on me.

Omg, my dad encouraged me to dig up all of these from his allotment one weekend, brilliant! I took loads! Trouble is, after eating lots at the weekend, I then had to commute to work on a very crowded tube. Dear god, the sheer agony of holding it in was appalling! Never touched them since.

One of the dogs regularly farts audibly but is horrified every time and spooks himself. He’s hilarious, jumps up to see who’s made a noise behind him!

When I was pregnant we had a hospital trip. It was a difficult twin pregnancy and I had been in hosptal a lot due to bleeds and whatnot.

Anyway, had terrible stomach cramps that really hurt. We thought something bad was happening again so to the hospital we went.

Doctor told us it was trapped wind! Most likely due to the cauliflower in the curry I had eaten (cravings) a few hours earlier.

Got home very embarrassed and DH had to give me back rubs to massage the farts out of me.

I have terrible IBD & I'm afraid i burp & fart like a sailor.

The worst that comes to memory though was at a karate grading. I was dressed in my suit that all black belts have to wear as we're the examiners so i look like a security guard. Anyway we were between sessions so i sat on the floor in the hallway & felt one brewing. Didnt feel like it would be a trumper so figured i could ease it out silently like a puff of wind on a summers day. Oh no, this was not the case. The floor i was sat on magnified it tenfold & it came out sounding like a didgeridoo. I momentarily thank my lucky stars that i was alone in the hallway........until i hear laughing. 2 teenage lads that i was soon shortly to face for their grading are rolling with laughter.

Lost a bit of my tough black belt street cred that day.

A few years ago i was at my friends house and her family were all down, her sister, who i grew up with was there (she moved up north years ago so it had been a long time since I'd seen her), nan, mum, all there partners etc..
I was doing the nans toe nails and sat in an awkward position on the floor, i moved and a massive fart came out! in front of everyone, at the same time i made eye contact with one of the partners
I've never lived it down and I'm known as girlwithadragontattoo farty pants

like a puff of wind on a summers day.

For some reason I was really windy when pregnant with DS1, never worked out what aggravated it and it went afterwards. It was so bad I actually tried to think up a reason to have a c section as I couldn't bare the thought of spending my whole labour farting at my ex and some poor midwife (or worse!). I was partially relieved when I needed a section due to pre eclampsia in the end anyway - the delivery suite had a lucky escape!

Haha my DS carted at the Trump tower! This was before he stood for President, he'd probably try and do a dirty protest now 😁

My parents had new neighbours one Christmas that they'd only spoken to briefly, and hadn't really had th chance to get to know at that point. They'd had a house full on Xmas day and come the evening my Dad and my brother were outside in the garden having a breather. My dad then lets of a succession of farts that he'd held in all day, very loudly and DB says 'Oi, I heard that'. A voice then pipes up from the other side other side of the fence ' I heard it as well'. Turns out the husband was outside having a fag when my dad decided to let rip. Well I suppose you could say I think broke the ice!

Also 1--is anyone else getting an advert at the top of this thread that says 'Get natural ventilation - Improve your indoor climate with fresh air'?

I was heavily pregnant with my second and went into Boots to get something probably gaviscon or similar and the handsome pharmacist was just serving me and I farted really loudly, he definitely heard it as it was so silent in there, at the time I really didn't care, I think being pregnant made me immune from all embarrassment!

tillygetsit

‘Tromboning’ 🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺

• OMG, can’t breathe!! my sides and stomach have gone hard from spasming !!! 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

Has no one figured out this is a wank thread yet

Or its a funny fart thread...

Myself and a friend got asked to leave a yoga class after the older lady in front of us let rip with every bend. I just cried with laughter.
Also my youngest DD was showing off in front of her brother and his mate sleeping over when I heard her say "let's have a darting contest" she gave it her all and shit herself! She just went '' oh I sharted", she was 7 I didn't know she knew what a shart was.

My Daughter and I play the Toilet trumps game. She's in her 20s and can make the most amazing fake fart noises. Whenever we go out for a meal, we nip off to the loo and wait in a cubicle quietly for someone else to come in. She does a fake Toilet Trump, usually a wet sounding one and pending on reaction from our victim, it gets a score from 1 to 5. We had one person go berserk....lots of laughs etc. The key is you have to keep quiet so they think it's real. It's really hard not to laugh. I

DP is a 'neat' eater. Occasionally sneezes, never burps or belches, never scratches his arse or nads, is perfect company at a fancy do. We'd been dating for a while, but hadn't spent the weekend together before - it had all been perfect, romantic breakfasts of fruit and yoghurt with edible flowers in the bright sunshine of a perfect summer, cool breeze wafting the white voiles as though we were filming a 70s ballad, birdsong, bees humming - proper Instagram worthy living for the only time in our lives.

And then, instead of the usual thing of his holding me in his arms whilst I drifted off to sleep, he went to sleep first as we'd obviously been shagging each other's brains out for the last 48 hours.

I swear that man played the second part of the 20th Century Fox fanfare with his arse.

It didn't wake him up, no - what woke him up was the feeling as though there was an earthquake, as I was laughing so hard, the entire bed shook.

Since then, I now know exactly the point at which he's going to sleep, as it's usually announced by his internal bugler. And i still laugh.

CROP DUSTING

and

I'M CHEWING SHIT

have me cry laughing!!!

I have IBS and while most of the time my wind comes out in the form of burps I'd have been s proud of at school, I do have days when I trump as well.

I don't go out a lot to have any embarrassing tales to tell, but when my parrots outlive me, as they are likely to do, the truth will be out there. I had to laugh the other day when one walked up to the other, looked him up and down and let out a rip roaring burp in his face.

Loving the laughter reading these, and so far my favourite has been the one pranking her sister when she noticed a visiting aunt. Classic! Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to page 3 of this bodily function, duvet-raising post :D

Sat in packed room with priest doing a speech about another priest who had recently died....just as he finished saying "and now could we have a minute's silence to reflect on so&so's life...." I farted, quite loudly! I spun round and glared at someone a couple of rows back, as did everybody else...I still feel a bit guilty but can't help giggling either!

I used to hear my elderly ndn go for it every morning. Our bedroom was attached to his bathroom. Every morning we’d wake up to him doing a morning fanfare with his bum. We moved. In the house after that ds was sitting on his bedroom floor playing when he started farting like a machine gun. Dh went rushing to the door to find out who was knocking like that 😂.
My dm has no shame. She will fart wherever she is. Usually very loud and smelly. I just pretend I don’t know her. 🤨

My mum - we were in a posh frock shop looking for a dress for her to wear to a wedding. The changing room was just a cubicle, just a curtain separating it from the rest of the shop. I encouraged her to try on a dress she liked but was a couple of sizes too small....she got stuck in it. She called me into the changing room to help get out of it and she was stuck with her arms in the air, trapped by the dress. She was begging for help, all the while trumping loudly in panic. I'm ashamed to say I didn't help, but sat on the floor in tears of laughter.

I swear that man that man played the second part of 20th Century Fox fanfare with his arse

Hahahaha! That's one of the funniest things Ive ever read! Is it wrong that I'm mentally imaging how it sounded?

Oh my! These are really funny
I woke up one morning and thought I could let a little (or so I thought) one out, which turned out to be the biggest ever fart, I lasted a good few seconds and sounded like a ferry coming into a port
I do seem to be powered by farts though and am getting a bit of a reputation around my house

These have made me howl 😂
I remember being about 8 years old and being in assembly at school. A Church of England school so hymns and prayers every morning. On special mornings the village vicar would attend and would always read the Lord’s Prayer. This particular morning the lad sat behind me let rip the loudest, stinkiest fart right in the middle of father Brian’s prayer. So loud it echoed! The boy got hauled out of assembly and given 200 lines! Still makes me laugh now! ‘I must not fart during the Lord’s Prayer’ x200