Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

Whilst in labour with dc2 I heard a funny noise so asked the midwife what it was and the blunt reply was "that my dear, was wind" I didn't feel it coming or feel anything while it was happening. Felt like a small child learning something new

I must have been about 7 or 8. Sat at the dinner table eating with my dad and siblings when all of sudden the need to fart overtook me.. never heard anything like it in my life. My dad went rushing over to the window to take a look outside. I burst out laughing and said dad I farted ... he said jesus christ I thought there was a chinook going past.

I was weeding my back garden and NDN were having their house renovated at the time, so builders hanging out of upstairs windows when I let out a massive ripper. So I thought I’d blame the cat... “ Elvis! You naughty boy!”
Lots of sniggers from the builders and then this comment,.... “ she’s having a laugh, cats don’t fart!!”
🙈

These stories have had me giggling, so childish but can’t help it! My story is years ago me and my mum were on a ferry to France, she’d been desperate for the loo, as had the rest of Dover as there were so many people in the loos. My mum dived into a cubicle for her wee and as she went she did a very loud and long fanfare of farts. If that wasn’t enough I heard my mum starting to laugh as she knew how loud they were. The problem is, me and my mum can really set each other off with the giggles, so I kind of giggled back at my mum who just laughed harder which made me laugh harder. Everybody was looking at me and my mum was gasping ‘stop laughing’, between her own laughs, from the safety of her closed cubicle! She sat there for ages, too embarrassed to come out and I had to wait while the other ferry goers looked at me like I was the worst person in the world for laughing at the poor farty lady in the cubicle.

Oops, just realised I’ve written a bit of an essay there - sorry!

I have too many, early twenties with dreamboat crush. In the middle of it, the loudest fanny fart. I asked was it him and he said no. There was no coming back from it.

On holidays with best friend, let out what I thought was a silent one but it nearly broke the sun lounger. Had my best friend and the entire pool in stitches for half an hour with great belly laughs.

Today I’m suffering from really bad hemorrhoids and was on a plane. Took lactulose to help me but was unable to stop the silent farts coming out as it hurt too much with the outie hemorrhoids to squeeze. The poor passenger beside me was covering her face from the smell but it was either admit it was me and tell her about my poor bum or feign innocence. I chose innocence.

There was the time I quietly let off in a charity shop. The manager rapidly sprayed a canister of floral room scent everywhere. As I made for the door she apologised and explained that she had to do it as 'that old man' had let one off. Poor old bloke, the completely innocent only other customer in the shop!

Then there was my friend's funeral. The family each took a rose from a basket and dropped it on to her coffin. Then friends were invited to do the same. I took a rose, stepped forward solemnly, pand let off as I dropped it. Luckily a male mourner was beside me and people assumed that it was him. My dear friend would have found it hilarious, she had an earthy sense of humour!

Just after delivering child no1, doctor stitching away when i had the longest fanny fart ever it just kept on giving, eventually the doc just sat back and watched, I was totally mortified just lay there legs akimbo wanting the floor to swallow me up.

My brother was travelling on a train with some friends (it's worth noting here that he has a very weak stomach) and one of them farted.

Apparently the smell was so awful my brother vomited into the nearest container...a Costa coffee cup in full view of the packed carriage.

Cummy fanny farts when partner exits doggy style are the worst. Very near the mans face area, possible splashing and made prolonged by the laughter you can not help post original fart.

I used to work as a club receptionist and one month this good looking Italian guy came in, as he was leaving he told me that when he comes back to England he's bringing his friend and wants to show me to him. So a month or so later they come in he points me out to his friend and I smile sweetly however i'm busy dealing with a group of guys that had just come in and they go into the main club. So I'm stood poised (like the girl in the jewellery shop in the film Bridesmaids lol) when a drunk customer who's been just loitering farts then promptly leaves just as my 2 lovely Italians are making a bee line my for my now empty besides me, smelly reception. Needless to say they paused wafted their hands over their faces and looked at me with disgust and left .

Misread the title as "fairy stories" and was a tad confused.

After having am EMCS, DS gets taken into DH whilst they finish double stitching me up. Midwife hands DS to DH and an almighty rumble fills the air. DH looks at DS in shock awe and the midwife says "nah that was me - can't blame the baby this time". First thing DH told me after I'd come round.

Roll on three years, I'm sat on the bed in DS's room, DS getting changed ..."Mummy look at this" me thinking he had a hurty or something. He backs up to me, drops his drawers, bends over, grabs his arse cheeks. And I, wondering at what I am meant to be looking at, zooms right in - as he lets rip right in my face.

This is a story that is going to be told to every new partner on first time of meeting us and at his wedding

I was staying over at a former friends and he suggested that we should go into the local charity shop to see if they had any DVD's we could watch. I let out a silent but deadly fart when we were stood at the till, I then casually looked around to see if anybody had noticed (Everybody in the shop did notice but they were far too British to mention the smell yet alone pull a disgusted facial expression.) and my friend said something along the lines of; "F me! Did you smell that cashiers fart? It smelled like a rat had crawled up her a and died." as soon as we left the shop. Well, that was it for me! I couldn't look at him for the entire journey home otherwise I would have completely lost it and he would have instantly known it was me. I think my bottom lip was sore for a few days after that. 😂

Did that cause the break up?You said former!🤣😂🤣😂

I've got actual physical tears streaming from my eyes reading these, this thread is hilarious! It's the phrasing of them
"with a bit of a question mark at the end"
"..,,,i felt me eyes wobble"
"...Came back up with a centre parting!"
"Squeaky shoe"

My only offering is from 25 years ago after the birth of my eldest, midwife came to check my stitches, parted my bum cheeks and got a faceful of Windy Miller.

Oh and (insert name of a famous diet milkshake drink ready made in a can) is Satan's friend, all that fibre in it, my fart followed me round the supermarket - the actual fart not the smell, it just wouldn't stop.

That was hilarious. Thanks for the belly laugh

When my DD was newborn she used to let rip with the most amazing farts! We lived in a place beginning with F and her name begins with F so we nicknamed her ‘Farting Fiona from Farnham’ , she still hasn’t lived that down and she’s now in her 20’s 🤣🤣🤣

Just saw this ...

Late addition to this thread:
I had met my first love after a gap of several years, and we went on a weekend break to Madrid. The first evening we were there, he cupped my face tenderly and told me he loved me. As I looked up into his eyes, the cumulative effect of baked beans for breakfast and airline food produced a ripsnorter that lasted for at least 10 seconds, followed by a 'full stop' to add to the effect. Thinking I'd surely blown this completely (no pun intended), I looked up to see his reaction. He quipped, "I think even the Russian judge would give that a six!"
We're still together seven years later! Phew!

eventually the doc just sat back and watched

Just finished rtft had to stop numerous times to get tissues to wipe my eyes!
I always go for a wee (and a fart!) the minute I wake up an dh reckons they sound like whale noises and quite happily tells everyone about my morning whale noises.
For just over a year dh has taken a liking to tinned sardines in tomato sauce. Bloody food of satan. He catches them and throws them at whoever happens to be nearest. Vile stench they actually make you cough. One of these days he'll make me puke.

I have a few as I have IBS...

Just met DH and we were DTD. Just at the climatic moment, I let out the rip roaring loudest guff known to man. Followed by a cacophony of what sounded like gunshots... He stopped...I froze.
Then I could feel his shoulders shaking...with laughter. And then fell off the bed. 22 years ,we are still together.
Went to view a house when I was pg, and the couple were showing us around. Anyway they were showing us the kitchen, and as you do they let us go first. Kitchen was small, so we were trapped. Guy then let out the loudest smelliest fart ever. Now having done some corkers myself, I could sympathise with his plight, however being pg I felt sick. And started gagging and coughing and retching. Couple were mortified, and DH was pissing himself laughing. I had to run out, and we made our excuses and left.
Obviously I only like my own brand.

Hot night in the middle of summer. Had a couple of fans next to the bed. Got a bit Randy so was up on my knees on the bed giving DH a blow job. Needed to fart but knew it would be a silent one. Let it go and it was. Phew. Carried on then all of a sudden the most disgusting smell known to man (or woman) wafted over us. I carried on. He didn’t say anything so I assumed I’d got away with it. As soon as he finished he burst out with “What the fuck was that?? I was chewing it at one point!” 😂😂😂 He’s been dining out on that tale for years. Come to think of it, this comment could be very outing

• his farts obviously, not the sardines!!