To ask what happened to having traditional values?

[mozzarellasticks]

I'm 23 and from a very young age I was told that it was 'right' to live life in a 'traditional' order.
For example: being in a relationship with someone, buying a house, getting married, and then having kids.
Not trying to be smug or on a high horse, just wondering what happened and why people are getting pregnant after knowing someone for 5 minutes. I'm generally considered to be have old fashioned views but want to know why no one else feels the same way

It's easy to be right about everything when you're young and have little life experience.

The older you get the more you realise how little you know, and how you're not actually in control of everything. I hope the lessons aren't too hard for you.

You'd terminate a life simply because you haven't signed a piece of paper? Seriously?

Yes, I don't think unplanned pregnancies generally are. The clue is in the name.

Mine wasn't either. However, within the context of a loving, stable, financially-secure relationship, I didn't think my rather arbitrary 'plan' took precedence over our baby.

Different strokes...

Most traditions are actually quite modern, relatively speaking. And other traditions are dropped and soon forgotten.

What about men having to ask permission of the woman's father in order to marry her? Or dowries? Do you support these traditions too or do you like to pick and choose?

You'd terminate a life simply because you haven't signed a piece of paper? Seriously?

This

@LonelyDadNeedsHelp Yes he did ask my dad for permission. Isn't that just polite?

@pinkgloves Not just because of marriage but if it were to happen right now then it wouldn't be fair to the unborn child as first of all we wouldn't be able to afford it

OP, you are entitled to your views and to live your life according to them. It’s the disengenuous ‘ I was wondering why no one else seems to feel the same ‘ that got you some snarky answers.
People are different, and holding up one set of values eg ‘People used to believe in The Lord and go to church, I wonder what happened?’ will not always reap you a crop of supportive responses.
I did the traditional route, and it worked out for me. Friends have chosen a myriad other paths that worked for them. Happiness all round.
I hope things work out for you.

@GirlOnIt We have been together for 2 years, friends for 4 years. We also work at the same company just not together

Cross post on the unplanned pregnancy question. I'd say that's quite a un old fashioned/traditional stance though Op. so maybe you aren't as traditional as you think.

I'm complaining pro choice btw and honestly before I got pregnant with Ds I'd have said what you have (not because of marriage though). But it's different when you actually have the real life decision to make and for us it was a case of ok it's a few years earlier than we'd plan and it means with can't do x and y, but it's our baby. And our decision was made. Absolutely no regrets, even if we end up never marrying or even end up separating. But then we do earn quite a lot more than you and your Dp and we bought our home with a large deposit and due to work Dp's done it's worth a lot more, so low mortgage and we have a good amount of savings. On your incomes with only a 5% deposit on a mortgage, I'd have probably made other choices as financially I'd worry about mat leave and childcare fees.

Asking your dad permission to marry you harks back to when women were owned by men. I would have been offended if my DH had asked permission from my dad. I'm capable of making my own decisions and I'm not owned by anyone!

You'd have an abortion because it was before you were married? Because it doesn't fit your life plan?

Hang on. Being pro-choice would mean any woman can access an abortion for any reasons.

I'm firmly pro choice, I've had an abortion myself, but as someone who's also suffered infertility and multiple miscarriages his gives me the rage

It shouldn’t. A much wanted baby for you is a desperately unwanted pregnancy for someone else.

Yes he did ask my dad for permission. Isn't that just polite?

It's impolite to assume you are your dad's property and need your dad's permission to make major life decisions. And by "impolite" I mean "fucking bonkers".

Glad my Dp didn't follow that one @LonelyDadNeedsHelp. Considering he'd have to try find the feckless bastard first I'd have been waiting a long time. Last I heard he'd ditched his latest wife and kids and done a runner with the contents of the savings account.

@mozzarellasticks, depends if you thought of yourself as your father's property and that he should decide who you marry. It's OK for you to be fine with that, it's not OK for you to expect everyone to have the same view.

And did your father provide a dowry?

I was engaged to someone before DH. Obvs didn't work out, but he asked my dad's permission. He, bless him, was a bit flustered and said 'you'd better ask her mother!'

My DH just asked me, which was better for all concerned, I think.

If my husband had asked my Dads permission to marry me it would have fundamentally changed my view of him (and not for the better). There is nothing polite about it, its bull.

I got married at 21, lived together for 6 years. Was very smug about “doing it right” got pregnant with dc1. At 8 months pregnant found out he was having a right old jolly time screwing his work colleagues and had done for years. He has never met his child by his choice. Didn’t want it apparently.
I met my now dh when the child was 2. The child walked me down the aisle to marry him when he was 6.
I married dh for security and rights and a nice party, the marriage is a biproduct of that as dh and I don’t need to label or piece of paper to know we are meant to be together.
Life happens, and you learn that tradition is sometimes outdated and those values can happen in other round about ways. I learnt that pride comes before a fall and you sound just like I did at 21. God it was a long way to fall from my high horse. But I’m so glad I did. You will to I’m sure

Oooh I remember starting a similar smug thread when I first discovered this forum (since name changed) , mine was more to do with raising children though I was only pregnant and had zero experience of actual parenting I expect that after a few more years life experience you will think back to this thread and inwardly cringe. The exact same way as I do

I don't understand what is apparently so wrong about being married and having a house before having children.

There's nothing wrong with it at all. What is wrong is your view that it's the only right way to live life.

Is that not how it should be? To provide a home for your children with a loving and committed partner?

Marriage does not prove love and commitment. The number of divorces stands as proof of that.

@MagicMojito I was the best parent in the world until I had kids 😄

@Aibeingnaive isn't everyone!

In brief then, OP - because you don't seem to be minded to take on anything longrer than a line:

STOP SHOULD-ING PEOPLE.

There's no should. Do whatever the fuck you want, don't tell others what you think they should do based on your own limited and exceptionally narrow life experience.

If either of my daughters follow your 'should' version of the world I shall be utterly devastated on their behalf, frankly. And if they're half as smug as you I shall tell them in no uncertain terms to wake the fuck up.

Maybe I do sound smug - I feel proud that I'm doing something productive with my life unlike my brothers