MIL - ladies first rule...

[Summertimeandlivingiseasy]

AIBU to feel that is not necessary lesson for a 6 year old. Staying at MIL for 2 week holiday. She encourages kids to eat healthily and behave on promise of a sweet treat. (Which I don't mind) my 6 year old gets all excited when she gets the sweet box out but then MIL insists his 8 year old sister can choose first as it's polite to let 'ladies to go first'. He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him. We've always taught them guests first and have occassionaly mentioned ladies first. Is it something everyone teaches their sons from a young age? Is it fair with siblings?

I'm willing to wager that you're lying honey

Feel free. I mean a quick advance search would reveal all but hey.

That, or you've a gender neutral girl thrown into the mix there somewhere. And you'll be complaining when she grows up and decides she actually feels like a boy

She’s 12. Would I have a problem with a transchild? Nope.

Nice try to segue though. Shows a well thought out argument.

This thread is really annoying. I open the door for people or let them go first or offer my seat all the time. It is not based on a person’s sex. Ladies first is sexist bullshit and we should be teaching everyone to exhibit basic courtesy to all people.

I think it's harmless and charming.

It'll not do a boy (or indeed man) any harm to not take priority

Saylav, what on earth is your problem? Why is it wrong to teach all children to be courteous? To offer to let others go first?

You say the little boy who wanted the first sweet was wrong to do so. That it's typical of males to behave like that. I assume if it was a little girl pushing to go first you'd give a contented little nod and say that's just as it should be: girls first.

What a load of bollocks. It has nothing to do with raising gender neutral children. It has everything to do with raising children who respect all others, not just patronise those classed on some heirarchy as weaker than them.

It's polite to hold doors for the next person.

It's incredibly dickish and patronising to hold a door open and say 'ladies first'. If any man did that to me, I would give him my most withering look and hold back until he went through. God, I hate this smarmy sort of bloke!

I have 2 sons, 20 and 16. They show courtesy to others, as is right. They would offer a seat to someone if they felt they needed it. But I'd have failed them as a parent if they thought women deserve a special sort of 'chivalry' ffs.

Sometimes I hold doors open for men (quite often really). My ovaries must be all shrivelled up.

This site pickles my head sometimes it really does.

I like a gentleman. I'm fiercely independent, there's nothing I can't at least attempt for myself. I more than hold my own professionally in a male industry. But I see chivalry as something which is sadly lacking in our society.

And making a song and dance over this seems bizarre to me. It can't be worth getting so worked up over, it's just some sweets every now and then.

As much as I don't agree with ladies first as a lesson, it's a 2 week holiday. It's not going to be a permanent lesson unless you also enforce it much more regularly.

If you do speak with your MIL I wouldn't do it in front of the children when the sweets come out

Right or wrong, should a 6-year-old be upset over a 2-second delay?

It's sexist and I disapprove, but this is happening at MiL's house so her choice surely?

Right or wrong, should a 6-year-old be upset over a 2-second delay?

I think most 6 year olds - who spend time at home and school being told how important taking turns is - would be upset at having to go second/last every time.

My late MIL used to get annoyed if a female at the next table looked to be given a better portion or bigger, fresher Yorkshire pudding, she would never accept that the women paid the same as her son, my OH!

I like a gentleman. I'm fiercely independent, there's nothing I can't at least attempt for myself. I more than hold my own professionally in a male industry. But I see chivalry as something which is sadly lacking in our society.

Exactly this. Chivalry isn't misogyny. Chivalry isn't suggesting that a woman is incapable of doing something for herself it is a demonstration of courtesy (and doesn't negate courtesy to ALL people of course).

Sure, some women appreciate 'traditional' gentlemanly behaviour more than others and that's neither right nor wrong, ultimately, those that prefer these types of men are more likely to end up in a relationship/married to them. My wife, unless she's been gritting her teeth and lying for the last 8 year (which, trust me, isn't her style!), appreciates gentlemanly gestures (and she is more than capable of opening doors, pulling out chairs, buying flowers etc. herself!).

Chivalry and Equality aren't mutually exclusive and can co-exist (in my opinion)

Respectfully, I disagree. I think chivalry is on a continuum with misogyny (albeit the very 'light' end). It's predicated on the idea that men and women should be treated differently because of their sex.

Both the OP's DD and DS are being shown in a tiny way that females deserve special treatment- positive in this case- but IMO patronising.

If this was the only time it happened then maybe I'd let it go but the fact is we are surrounded by messages that women are weaker/less independent/'need' or want things that men don't (like preferential treatment)/can't be expected to behave rationally so need to have their little idiosyncrasies humoured etc etc It's a drip drip that I want to challenge on every occasion.

As pp have said, I don't need chairs being pulled out for me etc. So there's no benefit to someone else doing it. If someone makes a point of doing it because I'm female, it only makes me think they see me primarily as woman who must have different treatment instead of a person who deserves equal courtesy. I have no desire to perpetuate that.

I agree that people will tend to end up with partners with similar views. I stopped dating someone after he told me he "refused" to let me pay for my dinner To my mind adults don't refuse to let each other do things.

I realise my last point had wandered from the original op!

I guess I do see those things as being connected and the idea that men 'let' women go first then leads to 'letting' or 'refusing' other things

chivalry isn't misogyny. Chivalry isn't suggesting that a woman is incapable of doing something for herself it is a demonstration of courtesy (and doesn't negate courtesy to ALL people of course).

I disagree. It treats women differently simply because they’re women. That reinforces the idea that women are delicate flowers in need of looking after by men.

I’m for courtesy to everybody, regardless of their sex.

If chivalry isn’t sexist, why is there no equivalent for women being courteous to men?

For what reason lbm? Why should little boys should let little girls choose first?

@PinkSmitterton

Good post. I agree with your last paragraph (albeit off topic). I would normally offer to pay on a first date but would never overly 'insist' and certainly never 'refuse' to go halves if my date preferred (I was just always brought up to believe that if you initiated the first date, you paid). Someone insisting on paying (in anything other than a jokey way) seems a little odd to me.

I think everything else, regards small 'gentlemanly' gestures etc. is always going to boil down to preference. If I was dating a woman who felt it was in someway 'demeaning' then of course I wouldn't display these behaviours. That said, I have always been this way and, probably by no coincidence, have married a woman who likes and appreciates them (who is, in no way, anything less than fiercely independent...sometimes just fierce! :) ).

Maybe chivalry will 'die out' (which, personally, I think would be a shame). In the meantime though it will continue to be a matter of preference with the focus being on treating others how they, as an individual, like to be treated.

Buy why shouldn’t little girls be taught to “respect” little boys? Why aren’t they taught to respect each other?

So if it should go both ways, why should boys be taught that girls go first?

Respect for others (regardless of sex, race, age etc.) is an essential lesson for boys and girls and should be practised 24/7 by both children and adults.

Chivalry is entirely optional and practised occasionally in certain situations. It's a separate thing entirely and certainly chivalry is less important and should never take preference over general manners and respect. It doesn't mean the two can't co-exist though.