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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL - ladies first rule...

197 replies

Summertimeandlivingiseasy · 19/02/2019 06:01

AIBU to feel that is not necessary lesson for a 6 year old. Staying at MIL for 2 week holiday. She encourages kids to eat healthily and behave on promise of a sweet treat. (Which I don't mind) my 6 year old gets all excited when she gets the sweet box out but then MIL insists his 8 year old sister can choose first as it's polite to let 'ladies to go first'. He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him. We've always taught them guests first and have occassionaly mentioned ladies first. Is it something everyone teaches their sons from a young age? Is it fair with siblings?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 19/02/2019 09:35

would be ladies or youngest first for me

Why does being the youngest get additional Benidorm? Same for eldest first

Some people will never be the younger or elder sibling

Makes no sense to continually put one child second

Jinglesplodge · 19/02/2019 09:40

This thread makes unnerving reading to me: I can't understand why it's considered a good thing to be teaching boys to be "chivalrous" or "gentlemanly" any more than we ought to teach girls to be "ladylike".

Why can't we teach boys and girls equally to respect one another and take turns? Why is it good for a restaurant to serve ladies first? Outside of genuine physical need, like a pregnant lady needing to sit, I don't think there's any room in modern parenting for teaching children that there's a difference between boys and girls.

BrizzleMint · 19/02/2019 09:45

When we go out for a meal DS is always asked last what he would like, sometimes I will go with it and other times DD or I will ask him what he would like and he chooses before one of us. We haven't ever discussed it, it's just something that we sometimes do organically.
DS has been told he is the man of the house now, that pisses me off.

easyandy101 · 19/02/2019 09:46

Where fo the non-elderly visibly disabled fit into to your hierarchy of people you give way to?

Infirm. But the way I wrote it wasn't clear

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/02/2019 09:55

easyandy101 Ah, you meant, eg, elderly woman/infirm woman, rather than a woman who was both elderly and infirm. I understand now.

zzzzz · 19/02/2019 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrop · 19/02/2019 10:04

Sex st shite and offering sweets as a reward is not ideal, Imo. I know others will disagree and think bribes are fine.

Cranky17 · 19/02/2019 10:05

Why can't we teach boys and girls equally to respect one another and take turns?

This in bucket loads ✊

EstrellaDamn · 19/02/2019 10:08

I'd just laugh it off in private with the kids and says 'sometimes granny is a bit old fashioned isn't she?'

It really isn't a big deal though. I wouldn't pull her up on it and make her feel awkward; it's her home after all.

FlagranceDirect · 19/02/2019 10:09

I thought the idea of 'women and children first' in a disaster situation was to ensure continuing procreation. The more women and children who survive, there's more likelihood of survival of a race or species.

Obviously this is specific to a disaster situation. Maybe it's just trickled down the centuries.

mummmy2017 · 19/02/2019 10:18

I think you need to let you MIL be..

I bet if you really look, you will find times your son is always compensated by her, but have not realised as your a but hooked up by the sweet thing.
Remind him that he does get a sweet, that at home this does not happen and that in the world there will always be inequality, and that learning to lose and just enjoying getting something without having to be first makes him the better person.

lyralalala · 19/02/2019 10:25

That would annoy me. Learning to take turns is important.

No child should get to go first all the time at any activity just because they are male/female/youngest/oldest. The only time a child should get first pick of the sweets every single time is if they are an only child.

Jux · 19/02/2019 10:33

Turn-taking is by far the most sensible way to go. For instance, a sister in between two brothers constantly loses out if eldest or youngest first is the rule. The boys always lose out if the rule is ladies first. Etc. Far better to have turn-taking and some means of indicating where you are in the turns for things which are longer between them (visits to granny once a month or less).

Eliza9917 · 19/02/2019 10:52

He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him

Stop giving her things before him then.

diddl · 19/02/2019 11:03

"He then gets upset as his big sister always gets things before him"

But we are just talking about 2wks at MIL-with you there?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 19/02/2019 11:08

It may not be correct these days although I personally think it is but it is correct for your MIL's generation (how old is she?).

I think pick your battles and this shouldn't be one. Also, how would you counter it anyway? "No, DS, it's absolutely NOT ladies first, it's er...."

EstrellaDamn · 19/02/2019 11:08

I'm so not getting the angst. Surely just say that different people do things differently, and at granny's it's ladies first, although we all know that at home that's not how we'd do things.

F1amingo · 19/02/2019 11:24

My DH has always brought our boys up to let ladies go first etc and they have hardly been traumatised by it fgs!

This reminds me of when I was helping out at DDs prep school Xmas party. There was some kind of lucky dip for prizes and rather than all rushing and grabbing at the box, two boys automatically said, “ladies first” and then all the boys hung back in the queue. It’s reassuring to think we’re still bringing DC up to have some self-respect in society today, as there are so many clueless people about unfortunately.

Jinglesplodge · 19/02/2019 11:29

Why is arbitrarily letting girls go first teaching kids self respect? That's teaching them one group has priority over the others. We wouldn't say "white children first". Why girls?

F1amingo · 19/02/2019 11:36

Jingle - having such manners and codes of behaviour is what differentiates is from animals. Imagine a society where there was no concept of letting women go first or no concept of “difference.” They’d be pushed sideways trying to get into a bus or tube in rush hour, never get a seat because men would just push them aside. And so on.,.

JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 11:40

magine a society where there was no concept of letting women go first or no concept of “difference.” They’d be pushed sideways trying to get into a bus or tube in rush hour, never get a seat because men would just push them aside. And so on

Wouldn't we be better served teaching a concept of "waiting your turn" to EVERYONE rather than use an outdated concept? I wouldn't expect a man who was in front of me to allow me to go first just because I have a vagina. There's absolutely no need.

Jinglesplodge · 19/02/2019 11:41

YES, Jacques.

We totally need a code of conduct. But it's "don't be a dick", "let others go first", not giving priority to people who may or may not need it and reinforcing the idea that girls and women are weak and need to be patronised by boys and men.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2019 11:41

Oh no I have one of each and I would give them turns of being first, ladies first is so unfair

Mushroomsarehorrible · 19/02/2019 11:54

F1amingo
Some people on MN will literally make an argument out of thin air. Yes, of course, you teach your DS’ to offer their seat for women, let them go first, etc etc. What is the alternative fgs? It doesn’t need a big song and dance made about it, but I can’t fathom why some women can’t differentiate between basic chivalry / good manners and misogyny. The two are not the same at all. Only on MN do people get worked up about this kind of thing. Why?

^ THIS x 1000000

PBo83 · 19/02/2019 12:12

^ THIS and add a few dozen zeros