To wonder if changes in parenting approaches have affected MH on a population level

[SquiddyMcSquidford]

Not a TAAT as such but inspired by this one about how hard life was in the past
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3510138-AIBU-to-wonder-how-some-people-coped-in-former-times

A lot of people have talked about how parenting was much less hands on then, that parents provided food and shelter and that was all. Nowadays things are very different for most families in the UK and yet we hear a lot about children, adolescents and young adults experiencing MH problems in greater numbers than previously. Does this imply it's actually better not to parent in a hands on way? Or is it solely due to other factors like better recognition of MH issues, lack of community spirit, pressure/competitiveness over academic achievement/jobs?

Obviously it's multifactorial but I'm interested to hear what others think about this.

MH is definitely better recognised now, which accounts for a lot of the apparent increase. However, I do think there an issue with so-called "snowplough" parents, those who push all obstacles out of their dc's way, so their dcs don't get experience in dealing with obstacles and expect obstacles to be removed by someone else instead of tackled by them.

Over-praise can affect their expectations too - I see it at university level, when some students find it very difficult to take feedback that takes the form of constructive criticism.

I think there is much better recognition, but I also believe that very hands on parenting isn't a good thing.

As the previous poster said, removing obstacles for our children prevents them building resilience.

I also see parents arranging and doing lots of activities and child centred trips out. The children can end being passive consumers quite easily, with a constant supply of activities and entertainment supplied to them. It's better I think for them to have more freedom and less parental involvement. And they need to be bored and work out how to fix that themselves.

No, people just used to brush MH problems under the carpet. My DGM had PND after the birth of her third child. She completely neglected my toddler aunt after his birth, who was found more than once wandering the streets by neighbours, including alongside a busy main road. She received no support.

We actually have to teach Resilience in schools in Ireland because so few parents are aware of the importance of teaching it to their children through their parental actions.
I think this is very sad and extremely worrying. I'm a secondary teacher and the huge amount of parental interference these days is staggering. Many parents can't accept their children being disciplined or disappointed at anything these days. This has massive ramifications for their children future ability to deal with life's ups and downs.

A combination - better recognition is a big one, helicopter parenting is another - kids need to learn resilience over minor things, broken families is a factor as is parents pushing too hard. All that said, I don't know what we could have done differently, dd is autistic and it causes lots of mh problems.

Dd says the lack of jobs if you don't have a good degree is a big worrying factor.

I'm a believer in the idea that doing everything for your children, and entirely revolving your life around them, leads to helplessness and lack of confidence. Feeling helpless and lacking confidence leads to depression.

However, I also believe that social media is pretty toxic for young minds and school pressures and the constant ranking, testing, comparing (both with peers and other schools) also takes a horrendous toll on our young people - and they would have to be very resilient indeed to be able to cope with all of this without some affect on their mental health.

Also - lack of exercise!!

I do think some parents overparentI like the snowplough example because parenting like that does nobody in the scenario any good

Bit of both.

Yes, in the past there was huge stigma around admitting to having mental health issues, so people didn't talk about it and people with acute mental illness were likely to end up in an asylum, from which some never emerged.

But also, yes, in the past there was far more of a sink or swim approach to parenting and to life generally. We don't tend to hear about those who sank because so many ended up institutionalised or died young, or they grew up very damaged but it wasn't linked so explicitly to the way they'd been brought up. For those who could 'swim', though, there were advantages to learning early in life how to cope with all sorts of problems by themselves.

Yeah I admit I think I do agree with you. Lots of conflicting advice about co-sleeping/weaning etc: new parents seem to be tying themselves in knots, making sure they get it perfect (impossible). Instinct has been replaced by a need to be constantly looking for validation in choices made. (opening ourselves up to be judged)

We also now live in such a judgemental society, that any mistakes are made in to being controlling/abusive/neglectful, instead of just being a mistake.

Social media does not help in the hysteria it creates in any given scenario, where people are being openly judged and harshly criticised for sometimes very small incidents.

It's no wonder MH issues are seemingly on the increase, when we live our lives under so much scrutiny.

I think it's a good thing that parenting has changed. The security of having a loving involved parent is a good thing for children's mental well-being. I think young people's mental health is far more likely to be affected by the huge pressure in education today, alongside the public eye of social media and the increasingly insecure job market.

There's so.much pressure to be an insta-perfect parent. That you should some how 'just know' how to cope with it all.
Some advice is akin to a pat on the head and a there there you'll get it, and your left feeling more confused than before.
Social media letting you connect with the world and all the 'perfect' celebrity mums amongst others who you know damn well have an army of help waiting in the wings all helps to create an easy environment for self doubt to creep in as finally the perfect family face book posts.
When I left social media, stopped asking Dr Google every little thing my life was a million time easier, my daughter is happier as I'm more free in what she can do and I trust my judgement not some random stranger who appears to have it all together long enough to tell me how wrong I am. Making the world smaller has improved things 10 fold in some areas and made life so much harder and less rewarding non others.

Is the perceived over-parenting and cosseting of children by parents now not rooted in parents having had crap childhoods? Are parents simply over compensating to try to make sure their children don’t have to suffer the same mistreatment and/or dream crushings they experienced growing up?

No it's because it's more recognised and more corporatisation.

I think the 70s/80s/90s were very dangerous times for children and I am so glad things have moved on.

Children need time to play away from constant adult supervision. It is good for mental health.
And people quote examples from the 70s and 80s to justify helicopter parenting, that would have been thought as of crap parenting then.

I'd class my parenting style as "1980s-style benign neglect". Hopefully it will teach DS to be resilient! Luckily he's already a very happy-go-lucky, easily contented child. DH and I were given the same style of parenting when we grew up, and I'm a neurotic mess with mental health issues galore and he's about the most well-adjusted man I've ever met. So who knows?!

Care to elaborate hayhighlights I have 90s children I don't know what these dangers are

How old is he?

Did you allow him to play on parks unsupervised at 5?

Walk to school alone at 7?

Come home to an empty house at 7?

Go to funfairs in the evening alone at 6/7/8?

If you did, then you’re a shit parent. If not, you’re not an 80s style parent at all.

Mostly hidden sexual abuse.

Time playing alone from parents is very important. That is not the same thing as a lack of parental supervision, which I would say is especially important now so many kids are online.

hayhighlights I worked with kids in the 80s, that was shit parenting in the 80s as well. I reported a kid to SS that was treated like that.

Have a read of Stella O'Malley's "Cotton Wool Kids", she's a psychotherapist dealing with a lot of kids with MH issues, definitely worth the read. I think there may be a thread on here about her?

Is the perceived over-parenting and cosseting of children by parents now not rooted in parents having had crap childhoods?

I wonder if I do this. I spend a LOT of time with my kids and have done everything I could to give them the best start (imho) even when it was to my personal detriment (e.g. years of broken nights). DH and I were both expected to fit around our parents and often not treated with respect/treated as 2nd class citizens because we were kids, so we don't really have a roadmap of what is "good" and what is "over the top".

In my workplace we have a fair number of recent PHD graduates working for us. And it surprises me what they get anxious about. Basic things like making a long train journey in Britain. These are not things they should be so anxious about.