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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are your secret dating red flags?

135 replies

extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:07

Thinking about what I would tell my daughters how to test if a guy is marriage material.

Not obvious stuff, because a guy trying to get with you obvs won't tell you all women are sluts and belong in the kitchen or something but more subtle cues...

So far I got these 3 tests:

  1. How does he talk about women he doesn't like?
  1. How does he talk about women that don't try to be sexy?
  1. Does female bodyhair disgust him?

What else should a young girl check?

Thanks!

OP posts:
RolandDeschainsGilly · 18/02/2019 09:09

How he talks about his ex’s

How he talks about women in his family

WitsEnding · 18/02/2019 09:14

Does he tell lies - to anyone about anything, age, whereabouts, tax, throwing a sickie?

Does he think he's better than you?

Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:15

Good ones!! Thanks!!

Maybe also: does he expect you to make him a cuppa but he never does for you?

OP posts:
Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:16

Does he try to school you on things you have actually experienced or actually study?

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 18/02/2019 09:17

Does he tell you what to think?

Does he get arsey if you know more about a subject than you?

Does he in arguments start sentences with 'well most women.....'

Clairaloulou · 18/02/2019 09:19

Is he secretive/protective of his phone?

Does he text you spontaneously when he's away from you eg out with his friends?

Myusernameismud · 18/02/2019 09:19

A person who is nice to you, but is not nice to the waiter, is not a nice person.

That can be said for anyone, not just potential husbands.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2019 09:19

How does he act when you say no to a suggestion he makes?

How does he treat waiters?

Clairaloulou · 18/02/2019 09:20

Does he treat you as part of his family?

MiraculousMarinette · 18/02/2019 09:21

How does he act when you're ill? Tries to trump it with his own sudden illness or actually looks after you?

Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:22

Ooooh saying no! Great test!
@myusernameismud agree totally but im looking for a way to out a closet mysogenist before he lets show... many womens experience is that a guy is amazing until ur married and carry his child and then suddently they snap into this 60s movie...

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 18/02/2019 09:25

If he has a child but doesn’t see them because his ex ‘won’t let him’

I wish someone had warned me about that, my ex turned out to be a shitty father and it retrospect I should have known

SexNotJenga · 18/02/2019 09:26

a guy trying to get with you obvs won't tell you all women are sluts

Sometimes they will. Or they'll come close. "You're not like other women" is a whopping red flag if meant as a compliment (and if he's insulting you too, I guess). "You've made me wait however long, I really respect that" = it's so rare that I respect women that I have to mention it, also my respect is earned by what you do with your vagina.

Marriage material test: can you cook a meal together? If it's difficult to cooperate on such a mundane task then think very very carefully about what life would be like in the long term. (choosing what to have, deciding who goes shopping, how you get on in the supermarket if you both go, how you decide who pays, can you actually work as a team when everything needs to be ready at the same time, what is he like if he gets a little bit stressed, what is he like if you get a little bit stressed, how do you decide who cleans up, how does he talk about the meal afterwards, does he focus on the positives, does he blame you, does he blame himself... )

Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:27

@madamjosephine
That! Maybe also how he deals with kids generally, if he thinks that its totally normal that mums run circles around their offspring while the fathers watch footie with a beer

OP posts:
BeekyChitch · 18/02/2019 09:27

Does he ask questions about you/your life/ambitions?

I find a lot of the fellas I've seen have been so self absorbed and not one of them have asked about my life/goals etc even when I have put the question to them.

Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:30

@sexnotjenga
OMG!!! Who of us hasn't gotten that classic "you are not like other woman"

Oh dear the more I read all these the more I think all our husbands would have failed these tests...
I really hope men step up their game until the time my girls grow up but one thing we can do is demand right behaviour now from our guys and teach the girls to never settle for this shit....

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 18/02/2019 09:30

@MadameJosephine 100%!! There are no exceptions to this

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 18/02/2019 09:35

Does he accept responsibility or is nothing ever his fault?

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:35

how to test if a guy is marriage material

Of course, not all women actually want to get married.

And what if your any of your daughters were gay? What list of red flags would you have have for them in that situation about other women?

What about our sons, what red flags should they have to determine whether a woman is "marriage material"?

Sorry, but I think "marriage material" is like harking back to the 1950s.

pinkyredrose · 18/02/2019 09:37

How he responds to being told no.

pictish · 18/02/2019 09:39

How does he drive? Is he an aggressive driver or does he put you at your ease?

Lovebombing, fast forwarding, premature commitment seeking, declarations of love after a short period, putting you on a pedestal, being ever-present in your life.

Stories by which he defines himself. Those anecdotes that are shared in a fresh relationship whereby people want to project how they identify with themselves. Stories to impress and create an image. What are those stories about? Does he talk about his ‘crazy’ ex, disputes with others, is he scathing about colleagues, does he recount tales of fighting or criminal activity? Is he fixated on looks/money/status? Does he treat other people in his life with respect and kindness?
These anecdotes can tell you much about the person delivering them.

Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:40

@shatnerswig

All super valid questions, but i guess they are for a separate thread. I'm just talking from me and my friends personal experience and from that place, what could i advise as a mother to protect my girls from relationships in which it sucks to be the wife...

OP posts:
Undomesticgodde55 · 18/02/2019 09:40

When I was younger and single a friend bought me the book of rules to "help" me find a man Blush- mostly outdated nonsense, but I always stuck to arranging a date before Wednesday for the weekend, anything after this you are basically an after thought and he was holding out for something better.

Also recommend reading The Game by Neil Strauss, learn the players tricks to avoid time wasters Wink

pictish · 18/02/2019 09:42

Yes...how he reacts to being told no is a good one. Or proved wrong on something. Or taken to task, even mildly, for making a mistake or unpleasant behaviour. Everyone is unpleasant from time to time...but not everyone can own it. Those who can’t spell trouble in a relationship.

Original poster
extrastrongnosugar · 18/02/2019 09:42

@undomesticgoddess

Oh my god i read that too like the bible! The rules definitely work, and i actually thought of them in relation to this thread.

But i really wish there was an addendum to the rules, something like

How to catch a guy ... that is worth having!

OP posts: