What are your secret dating red flags?

[extrastrongnosugar]

Thinking about what I would tell my daughters how to test if a guy is marriage material.

Not obvious stuff, because a guy trying to get with you obvs won't tell you all women are sluts and belong in the kitchen or something but more subtle cues...

So far I got these 3 tests:

1. How does he talk about women he doesn't like?

1. How does he talk about women that don't try to be sexy?

1. Does female bodyhair disgust him?

What else should a young girl check?

Thanks!

@vicky

yeah! lets do a thread for boys as well!

maybe I would then add stuff like:

has an active mind
loves work and is productive in whatever she does
tells it like it is
not afraid to argue with my boy
wild and free
loves hard works hard plays hard
always curious and exploring

I asked dh what he would put in a list for boys. He said "Cats".

The issue of whether they want kids is a complicated one: it depends on your age, and how serious the relationship is. When I was younger I swore blind I didn't want kids, and as I've got older, my life has changed, my relationship has deepened, and I changed my mind. TBH I'd be a bit wary of anyone who knew they wanted kids when they were 18.

Vicky

“Does she nag.”

Lovely misogyny you’re teaching your son there.

Is she a feminist or does she believe in equality

Wow, for your future dil.

Is she obsessed with buying cloths, make up, shoes etc.

The problem with this is?

What he says about and how he treats his mother

How he treats animals. Is he kind to them?

Is Vicky1990's list meant to be a joke?

What he says about and how he treats his mother

That's assuming his mother is a decent and good person. One look at the stately homes thread will show you not all mothers are wonderful. I wouldn't necessarily judge a man on this.

Who they follow on social media.

If they follow dan bilzerian I genuinely wouldn't even speak to them.

Also
If you have a look on his pages and see how many males in your life follow this man, it's a real fucking eye opener. I've never lost so much respect for so many men in one hit.

And, anyway, some of the greatest misogynists positively venerate their mothers so it's not the greatest mark of a man

Totally agree

Eating a brownie with fork and knife. Wrong on so many levels.

@formerbabe

And if his mother is a piece of work he's likely to not like women very much?

And if his mother is a piece of work he's likely to not like women very much?

Not necessarily.

Does he like animals and, more importantly - do they like him?

Somebody who refers to 'vermin', goes after stray bees with a newspaper or fly spray, talks about killing Stag Beetles and can't tell the difference between a robin and a blackbird isn't the sort of person I want in my life.

DP (we live in a city) was the only one who noticed the Robin in the bushes in a pub garden and smiled. He also nudged me and pointed out some distant birds, asking 'Do we get Buzzards here? I used to draw them when I was a kid, but that was on the Moors'.

A further test is 'If I suddenly say ''Look at what I've found!'', does he, knowing that it probably means some sort of invertebrate, shrink away in horror, reach for the bug spray or come over to see exactly what hapless creature/plant or geological feature I've discovered'?

stories of being scared by a huge spider he was in the process of removing safely from the house and dropping it on himself are perfectly acceptable and highly entertaining, as are ones of being beaten up by stroppy sheep, chased by chickens or rearing an orphaned Jackdaw

Being able to tell the difference between a Primrose and a Cowslip or a Crab Apple and a Cherry also helps, as does having plants and seeing a garden as somewhere to enjoy being surrounded by plants, flowers and insects/birds, rather than something to cover with decking for the purposes of drinking shit beer.

My mums advice was:

It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's nice, look out for how angry he is when he's angry.

I quite like that, though obviously it's a bit more complicated. My husband is very good company - as am I, I hope! - but I think the more important thing is that we're both the kind who like to go quiet/chill/minorly bicker when we're upset, or seek comfort. Not storm around inflicting our mood on others.

From my experience and mistakes -

Can he discuss a problem?

Does he shut down and stonewall if you try to talk to him about a difficult subject?

Does he have endless grand ideas which never come into fruition?

Is everything always someone else's fault?

Is it "everything will be fine after [x has happened]" but x isn't realistic or keeps changing

Are all his exes crazy?

Is he careless with money?

Does he help you and listen to you when you talk about what matters to you, or is it just one sided?

Does he make derogatory remarks about women?

Does he have any friends? If no, be very wary, there's usually a reason

Does he seem incapable of ever being happy, or satisfied with what he has?

Do you always end up doing what he wants to do, or going to the places or holiday destinations he chooses?

Does he expect you to go and visit his family, but never comes with you to see yours?

Does he shirk responsibility when it comes to things like looking after a pet properly?

Does he fob you off and say he doesn't know what he's looking for right now, let's just see what happens?

I forgot one of the most important ones - if you have met the parents, what is the dynamic like? How does the father treat the mother and does it seem like a balanced, healthy relationship of two equals doing their fair share and working as a team? If the mother is a poor browbeaten skivvy, shuffling around like a servant, tiptoeing around the dad and seemingly only there to facilitate his comfortable life, you've seriously got a problem. That will be you next. I realised that was what my STBXH expected of me.

Does he freak out when you cry? I was so impressed by DH the first time I cried in front of him. I genuinely thought that all men hated it when women cry. He just hugged me and talked to me about it for as long as I wanted.

@lettymoo wow, great list!!! thanks for so much input!!

I’m old enough to remember this advice:
“Never trust a man who turns up for a date with a mac over his arm when it isn’t going to rain”.......

@belinda haha, creepy! duly noted:)

I would focus on how much he respects your boundaries. So for example, I don't like sex chat with someone I barely know. I make that clear, by neither instigating nor responding to that kind of thing. A man who doesn't get the hint, and keeps on trying anyway, isn't worth bothering about.
And this adage a million times over: actions speak louder than words. It honestly could have been written for the dating world!