What are your secret dating red flags?

[extrastrongnosugar]

Thinking about what I would tell my daughters how to test if a guy is marriage material.

Not obvious stuff, because a guy trying to get with you obvs won't tell you all women are sluts and belong in the kitchen or something but more subtle cues...

So far I got these 3 tests:

1. How does he talk about women he doesn't like?

1. How does he talk about women that don't try to be sexy?

1. Does female bodyhair disgust him?

What else should a young girl check?

Thanks!

How does he react to being told "no"?
How does he speak about his ex's?

What are they like when they are drunk. I have really fancied some men I've dated, but once they were drunk or even just tipsy, BAM, skin crawlingly annoying or worse and its ended it for me.

Are they genuinely upset with themselves if they upset you or think they have upset you and want to make things right?

Can they communicate about both difficult and simple things/problems or do they shut down/ignore things.

Do they look after you on a regular basis as you do them? Do they really look after you when ill.

This is such a great thread and something i have wanted to compile for my neices before.

How he treats/speaks to his mother.

The sex. If it's not good at first the chances are it won't improve over time.

Is his place very untidy? If so he's probably a messy git who won't lift a finger.

His personal hygiene.

Things you have in common so you don't tire of each other.

@officeslave

The drunk test!!! How could i forget that one! Duly noted!

“You’re not like other girls/women”

Misogynistic words in his vocabulary - nagging, bossy, frumpy, etc. used to describe women. Commenting on the appearance of women for no reason.

Laddish “banter” with mates via social media, texts or IRL eg horrible sexual comments about women, rape “jokes”, homophobia, casual racism.

Disliking feminists.

Expecting you to do anything that he wouldn’t do but thinks you should “because you’re a woman” eg wear heels, makeup, remove body/facial hair, have long hair, wear sexy lingerie/dresses

Interrupting/correcting you in front of company over insignificant things

@howdoyoukeepawaveonthesand

So many good ones!
I wish we had a list of mysogenically laden words.

Expecting you to do things he won't : what a bright red flag and predictor of a life of slaving away without a hint of appreciation!

extrastrong it’s a fab thread idea! My niece is only two but I feel like keeping these all saved up for when she’s old enough to date

General views on women. Another vote for 'you're not like other women' or 'most women aren't as intelligent as you/ can't keep up intellectually' being a poor sign.

Also not a red flag as in denoting a bad guy, but it took me long enough to accept that a lack of reasonably regular and enthusiastic contact means he is not really interested. Every man, no matter how busy or stressed, is capable of sending a text or confirming plans for a date. If he is keen he will do so. If not, he won't. Don't waste time making excuses or wondering why he is not in touch.

If he puts you on a pedestal and goes on about you being a 'princess' or other vom inducing phrases I think that's a bad sign, likely to turn nasty later on. You want someone who sees you as an equal partner. And avoid anyone who expects you to do all the laundry (if he cannot work a washing machine that is a very bad sign). Agree with what PPs said about anger; does he get overly angry at small things? Bad sign for how he'll be with you later IMO.

Also I don't bother with men who do any game playing, they need to say what they mean, be there when they say they'll be there, not be always trying to make you jealous, that kind of thing. I can't be bothered with being messed around. This was one of the main things that attracted me to DP, absolutely none of that, he's a very straight forward honest guy who does what he says he will.

@goingonabearhunt
Interesting: the danger of being treated as a princess (where many others would argue thats a great guy)

I agree that its dangerous to go out with someone who turns u into something you are not i.e. a princess...

Who doesn't see u as a fully fledged person that farts and poops and has dreams and desires.

I think the spanish had a campaign once ni puta ni tu madre
Neither ur mother nor a whore

Second no bullshit!
I had that on my list with my hubby and tested it.

Oohh i have another one:

A man that gets insulted by you easily and puts the blame for his emotions on you:

"You know i don't like talking about this"
"You made me mad."

Oh, also if a man has a problem with you socialising with male friends/ colleagues or remaining on platonic good terms with exes (of course everyone has their boundaries here re exes, I mean more an overall issue with wanting to be the only male relationship in your life).

There is a really excellent dating blog and insta page called lalalaletmeexplain that has lots of information about red flags, pink flags, f*ckboys, abuse, feminism. Very well written and empowering. I highly recommend it. Been following it for a couple of years and I tolerate much less crap from men now.

Does he tell lies including silly ones?

How he talks about women including women he’s previously dated.

How he treats waiters/bar staff/etc including if they have made a mistake.

How is he with money. I don’t mean is he minted but is he constantly borrowing money from people? Does he piss his money away on crap and then struggle to pay his bills and stuff? Do you ever feel obligated into loaning him money?

Does he ever manage to talk you into things you always said you would never want to do?

Love bombing right from the very beginning including him saying I love you on the very first date.

Just to be clear I’ve been in an abusive relationship so that probably clouds my judgement a lot as all of the above is relatable to my ex. I probably have many more.

How does he behave around women he doesn't want to have sex with? i.e. a boss, a family member, friends - is he interested in their lives, does he treat them with respect?

How does he behave on tasks that require you to cooperate together, like cooking, or navigating an unfamiliar car journey?

Is he a patient/calm driver, or does he easily get road rage? If he gets wound up by pedestrians/cyclists you can pretty much bet he won't keep his calm when a toddler spills juice on his phone...

How does he respond when you tell him no?

As others have said, how someone speaks to service staff is a real indicator of the 'real' them (and applies to men and women).

Went out for dinner once with a girl I really fancied and we had a lovely meal and at the end I asked for the bill and it didn't come straight away and the girl hissed at the waitress "excuse me but we asked for the bill" after about 2 minutes wait

Wanted to die

@sweatyunderpants
Thanks for the tip!

Here is the link everyone
lalalaletmeexplain.com

@yousaypotatoes

Woah yeah trying to talk you into things you don't want to do is really disrespectful and means hell probably wear you down eventually or youll be having to put up ur defenses all the time... thanks!

Lovebombing, fast forwarding, premature commitment seeking, declarations of love after a short period, putting you on a pedestal, being ever-present in your life

This x a million.

Well,going on my previous experiences,I'd say the following would ring alarm bells with me:-

1. Not having a job. Now if that makes me sound unreasonable,maybe I am. But in the last 10 years,I have dated 3 different men who were unemployed. And every time the relationship went the same way. They were permanently short of money and were asking me more and more frequently to 'lend' them a tenner,or buy them something for dinner. And half the time,I never got the money back. It wouldn't have been so bad if I was loaded,but I'm on a low come myself,due to being long term disabled. So I wasn't really in a position to 'lend' money.

2. Admitting to any sort of addiction,whether it's alcohol,hard drugs or gambling. Again,I've been down this road,and it never ends well.

3. Mentioning marriage after only 3 or 4 dates.

4. His attitude towards other women,e.g. referring to a woman wearing a short skirt as 'a slut'.

5. On a more light hearted note,but very important to me,is whether a man likes animals,especially cats!

Men who slag their ex girlfriends off and describe them as crazy/psycho etc etc

I look at this from my sons prospective marriage material girlfriend.

Does she pull her weight in the house.
Does she nag.
Does she want children.
Does she pay her way.
Is she a feminist or does she believe in equality.
Is she polite to people.
Is she obsessed with buying cloths, make up, shoes etc.
Can she cook.
Will she help with DIY.
Does she have good manners.

The list goes on but it pays to find these things out early on, my boy's work hard and it's important they meet someone with equal values.