What are your secret dating red flags?

[extrastrongnosugar]

Thinking about what I would tell my daughters how to test if a guy is marriage material.

Not obvious stuff, because a guy trying to get with you obvs won't tell you all women are sluts and belong in the kitchen or something but more subtle cues...

So far I got these 3 tests:

1. How does he talk about women he doesn't like?

1. How does he talk about women that don't try to be sexy?

1. Does female bodyhair disgust him?

What else should a young girl check?

Thanks!

‘Marriage material’ as I understand it, simply means ‘worthy of commitment’.

Even more: worthy tying your whole life, fate and happiness to

I only ask super valid questions

In my experience, you can tell people everything under the sun and they say they get it, but down the road they repeat precisely the same mistakes, ignore the same red flags, express the whole "but this time it's/he's different" and then wonder why it's happened yet again.

Eventually, after repeating this pattern several times, experience and age may finally make them see the light. But it will be totally down to that and not any "warnings" we give them.

His relationship history, e.g. If he's been engaged twice or left his wife with a toddler and a newborn, etc.

@shatnerswig

Sounds a little hopeless there :(
I mean my girls are 6 and 7 so I still have a few years to prep them for this.
Ill also take all of your input and think how i can use this in my parenting to teach them that these are not cool behavioura and hopefully by the time theyll make their move, they ll be conditioned to go for the healthy, soulmate guys...prays

Not everyone's super valid questions will be the same .

I think that the best advice to give daughters is to focus on ensuring that you like yourself and are financially self sufficient, then whether you meet a Prince or a frog it doesn’t matter, because you can keep the Prince or ditch a frog but still be OK.

That being said, good shoes but a lack of vanity, the ability to laugh at himself, and politeness to the staff in restaurants/ shops are key.

Does he talk about his exes alllllll the time.

My mums advice was:

It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's nice, look out for how angry he is when he's angry.

I have a 6 year old DD and I think it’s much more important to teach her to be confident, independent and not rely on the opinion of others for her self esteem.

His relationship with his mother - an indicator of his attitude to women in general if his parents relationship is/was not healthy.

His interest in you as a person.

If he withdraws from you on your bad days/is only with you on your good days.

Respects your opinions, even if they differ from yours.

Takes reasonable - good care of their spiritual/moral, mental and physical health.

Bottom two points are green flags, though obviously in reverse would be red flags.

“It doesn't matter how nice he is when he's nice, look out for how angry he is when he's angry.”

This is very good advice.

@youreggnoggisbetterthanmine sage sage advise! Lucky u that your mom prepped you!

all of the above ,esp how they talked about their exs and women in general, ..But i always also looked at how they ate and did they have strong dislikes / rules/ over fastidious ways..(or over slobby ways)

I always reckoned that if a bloke could put a meal together even if it was just omelette or stir fry and was a bit adventurous in what they ate / willing to try new things , he was pretty good bet.

This may sound weird but my litmus test was : Did they like chilli /anchovies/ garlic?.(or were at least willing to give things like that it a go) . if so , they were probably my type of fella ! (and likely to be adventurous in other things!! )

I never really n bothered about how much someone earned, but their attitude to work, ..Also, What was his pad like? (not what could he afford , but how he kept it, was it a total tip or so tidy it bordered on fussy) .

I married the poorest bloke I ever went out with,(we met as mature students so I was poor also - and we ere bot single parents ) but he passed all of the above and i knew he was a hard worker, and we are not poor now!! (and yes,he is adventurous)

Even more: worthy tying your whole life, fate and happiness to

I’m not sure that’s what anyone should ever be doing. Or what I would understand as commitment or marriage.

I don’t think tying your whole life, fate and happiness to one person can possibly be healthy or fair. Anyone will disappoint under those circumstances.

Are his political and other core values compatible with yours? Can you accept each others different core values?

Yes I haven’t tied my fate and happiness to my husband. My life yes, obviously we live together and share children...but my fate and overall happiness is down to me to pursue regardless of my marital status.

Why good shoes @LizzieVereker?

I think the advice about watching what he’s like when he’s angry (or experiencing any other strongly negative emotion) is very good. As is the listening to how he talks about his exes, plus the kinds of stories he chooses to tell about his life.

Good shoes....really? I have had friends turn down great men because of shoes.
Gay men wear the best shoes.( sorry for stereotype!)

One of the main reasons for divorce is finances. So the same attitude towards money is important.

Some who can manage their money, but who thinks splurging on the same things that you do is important. Avoid anyone who is tight, always in debt and who can’t live within their means

soulmate

We're in 1950s land again with this one, though OP. Most people on MN will say there is no such thing. And as half of all marriages end in divorce and most of those go on to either have a second (or even third) marriage or at least one other significant long term relationship

I don’t think tying your whole life, fate and happiness to one person can possibly be healthy or fair.

These are very wise words.

By good shoes I didn’t mean expensive or fancy shoes, I meant clean shoes in a good state of repair really. According to my highly subjective and unscientific approach, I’ve had a lot of unpleasant experiences with people in nice clothes but tatty shoes. It’s like a metaphor for them having a dark place in their soul.

@shatnerswig
Yeah but lets be realistic here.
Who i marry and spend my life with and have children with is probably the biggest deal, the biggest decision i make in my life.

Even if i divorce it has a huuuuuuge impact on my life.

This thread is about how to spot the guys worth taking this huge gamble on from the chaff.

Its not a discussion on is it the husbands job to make u happy. Of course not.

@pictish
@crustaceans