What are your secret dating red flags?

[extrastrongnosugar]

Thinking about what I would tell my daughters how to test if a guy is marriage material.

Not obvious stuff, because a guy trying to get with you obvs won't tell you all women are sluts and belong in the kitchen or something but more subtle cues...

So far I got these 3 tests:

1. How does he talk about women he doesn't like?

1. How does he talk about women that don't try to be sexy?

1. Does female bodyhair disgust him?

What else should a young girl check?

Thanks!

@wellthisisshit 'your life inconveniencing him' big fat fatty one. Thanks!

I though of another one:

DOES HE SAY SORRY.

I'm kind of wondering whose DH would have made it past this list.

Well, I guess there's hope - for THEM.

1. Criminal conviction
2. Bankrupt
3. Racist (even in the polite I have stolen black friend kind of way)
4. Uses misogynistic language
5. Asks her to convert religion
6. Hates rich people/private schools/favours a 70% tax rate/denies that communism has been the most deadly political idea
7. Calls poor people peasants/thinks that all welfare (nhs, state schools, benefits etc) should be cut
8. Plays video games
9. No books in his house
10. Tells her she should loose weight/exercise/make more of an effort

For me, red flags that come up long before most of the ones mentioned on here (ie within the first few dates) have always included:

Does he still live at home (without a really good reason). In my 20s, if someone tried to set me up with a professional man who was still living off his parents I ran a mile - why couldn't or wouldn't he be willing to set up his own independent life.

Does he call/turn up as he said he would. Nothing shouts, "this guy isn't worth it" as quickly as someone who plays games from the beginning. If he says he'll call, I expect him to call. If He asks me out, I expect him to have a date and possibly a venue in mind upfront. Similarly, if I suggest we get together to do x or y on a certain date I want a yes or a no, not some kind of holding statement.

Is he accommodating from the start? eg you can't make Thursday night because you have work so he suggests an alternative. Or works to find a venue/date/plan that works for both. I've seen too many friends in a situation where supposedly the guy wants to date them but they're the ones traipsing all over town to his part of the world or agreeing to the only day he's willing even though it's hugely inconvenient for them.

I would always tell a new boyfriend (as a teen) that I wouldn't have sex with someone for at least a month. (This wasn't actually a rule, I would be intimate with someone whenever I felt it was right, however most of the reactions I got clarified to me that 'well this guy just wants a shag!') But maybe wait until they're a little older to address that one!

Oh and does he treat you the same when you're alone and when your with your friends/his friends etc, a good man won't be ashamed to treat you with respect in front of his friends even if he gets a 'ribbing from the lads' does he support and encourage you to follow your passions and interests without feeling the need to insert himself right in the middle of it!

Thirty years ago my mother said in a half-joking way "Maybe you'll marry a man who doesn't like us" (meaning herself and my father).
Without stopping to think I replied "I might marry him if you didn't like him, but I wouldn't marry him if he didn't like you." My mother was astounded by the speed and certainty of my response, but to me it made perfect sense. I loved my parents, they are great people, loving and kind. If a man doesn't like them at all there must be something very off kilter about him. Later I found out about isolation as abuse tactic. So if he doesn't like any of your friends, if he complains about your parents, red flag.

This may be the best thread I've seen on mumsnet and most answers work for both male and female. I would say a few answers will be impossible to answer to without defaulting on another. For example I cant explain why I'm in debt without insulting my ex.

I always treat any self-proclaimed ‘nice guy’ with serious caution because in my experience ‘I’m a really nice guy’ means ‘I’m desperate and bitter and I think I’m entitled to women.’