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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely no friends

395 replies

twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 07:07

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

OP posts:
Worsethingshappen · 18/02/2019 11:35

So, can I just clarify, has your depression recovered now?
Are you dealing with ongoing mental health issues or is it mainly practicalities and social aspect of making friends? (Though I know those are intertwined).
Whatever you have tried in the past hadn’t worked but you can’t give up. If you wanna get something new you will have to do something new - however hard that might be.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/02/2019 11:36

I agree with the mum friends. I'm enjoying it now but have no idea how well the friends I have now will transition after people start going back to work and kids get older and start doing different things.

FurryDogMother · 18/02/2019 11:43

I'm another fan of Meetup - a few years back I moved back to my hometown to care for my aged Dad - had no friends here - had lost touch with all the old ones. I joined loads of Meetup groups, everything from jewellery-making to pub quizzing, to eating dinner, to photography - not all were fun, not all had people I could relate to - but one or two did, and I made connections. At first, I'd just see them at the meetings, but we found shared interests (Scrabble being one of them) and ended up becoming friends oustide the groups. I found you just have to keep trying, and eventually something will click, or you'll find like-minded people - and in the meantime you get out of the house and get to experience things you otherwise wouldn't. You just have to keep on trying! Maybe a language course/conversation group?

Lizzie48 · 18/02/2019 11:48

It’s a shame you’re not interested in your friend’s kids too

Ah now. In fairness, most of us are not THAT interested in our friends kids.

True, but friends take an interest in each other's lives. There are limits, obviously, and a good friend will be interested in what you're doing, too. It's give and take, or should be. (I wouldn't want to talk about kids non stop anyway.)

I don't know what you're wanting people to say, OP? Just to agree with you that being without friends is a difficult place to be in? Well yes, it would be, which is why posters are trying to give you practical suggestions.

I agree with the suggestions about clubs you could join. There are also evening classes that you might enjoy. I discovered a pottery class, which was a lot of fun. If you have a regular activity then there will be opportunities to get to know people well.

A walking club might be fun, too, but I take your point about an early start. I'm not an early riser myself. Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 18/02/2019 11:49

For me meetup didn't work. I moved back after uni at 21 and joined what was described as a local 18-30 group. I went to a meet at a nearby pub and everyone was my parents age, obviously the older you get the less this matters but at 21 it felt a massive age gap. I thought I'd still give it a go but when I looked at the other events they were all over the place and I had no car, even with a car it wasn't what you'd consider local.

To be fair when I looked at the site a while later I noticed they had dropped the 18-30 and put a disclaimer about how the members and meets were all over and not just in town X. Maybe other people had left bad reviews.

I didn't see the point in trying to start my own group if there was already supposed to be a group like the one I'd want but that hadn't got the right people.

Lizzie48 · 18/02/2019 11:51

I missed this update , I apologise. I am sorry you were treated that way by the charity you were volunteering for. That really is shitty. Sadly it is a case of out of sight out of mind and it really isn't good enough.ThanksThanks

anniehm · 18/02/2019 11:51

I know what you mean. I do have a family but still I wish I had someone to just talk to, go shopping, etc we've moved a lot and I'm too shy to invite myself into established friendship groups.

alohavic70 · 18/02/2019 12:00

I moved to East Anglia a year ago and although I do have children, they are grown up, so I do understand where you're coming from.
I'm lucky that I have made a couple of really good friends -one from work and the other (now my closest friend) at a pilates class.
The one thing I would definitely suggest is Bounce trampolining classes. They have them all over the country and lots in East Anglia and are without doubt the friendliest, most inclusive classes I've ever been to. It doesn't matter what your age, size or fitness level is....you'll still fit in and as long as every is so friendly! Just try it and see :)

bouncefitbody.com/

dieselKiller · 18/02/2019 12:16

As someone who has suffered through depression, found counselling unhelpful, and had periods of friendlessness, I'm going to repeat my list of things that help me with my depression:
(1) Vitamin D
(2) No alcohol
(3) Regular exercise
(4) Spend time outdoors
(5) Reduce sugar
(6) No chocolate
(7) Exactly 1 coffee
(8) 8 hours sleep
The vitamin D was a revelation for me.

Anyway, if you look at the physical and environmental factors that affect your mood, it'll be worth it. We're all just biological organisms after all.

dirtyfries · 18/02/2019 12:25

I am also East Anglia. Luckily I have a small group of friends from school I still see semi regularly but I've struggled to maintain any friendships from uni, work etc.
Sometimes I think this is because I am not open enough, other times I look at friends of friends and realise a lot of their relationships are superficial.
It's got me down before (especially writing our wedding invite list where DP has a huge circle of friends!) but on the other hand I've come to realise that I don't feel that I'm missing out from the friendships I've not developed/let slip away, more that I worry that others view me as friendless.

Always up for a chat to see if we click Flowers

Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 12:46

I’m not depressed!

OP posts:
FeedMeBooks · 18/02/2019 13:03

Bearing in mind your location would you consider muddymatches which is aimed at people in the sticks? Got a friend who met her husband via that site.

FeedMeBooks · 18/02/2019 13:04

ps she is a highly qualified professional not a farmer !

Original poster
twopizzaseverytuesday · 18/02/2019 13:04

Sounds promising - it’s worth a look. I’m not very attractive so don’t get far with OD Sad

OP posts:
Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 18/02/2019 13:15

change job! it isolates you when you're in a toxic workplace.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 18/02/2019 13:15

....or even just change team....?

FeedMeBooks · 18/02/2019 13:16

Don't do yourself down ! Would you want someone whose priority is looks? As someone said upthread it's a numbers game, and it works both ways - got to meet a few frogs because no way are all the men gorgeous.

Polarbearflavour · 18/02/2019 13:53

I’ve moved around a bit as DH is military. I’ve never managed to keep the few friends I’ve made. I do have a handful of friends from school/uni but I don’t see them often as I’m too far away.

I’ve kind of given up making friends to be honest, I’m happy being on my own.

Fromtheground · 18/02/2019 13:57

I found that meetup was full of people who might enjoy the same things but weren't actively looking to make new friends, so while it was nice for an evening out it doesn't provide what the OP is looking for. But there are loads of friendship sites that might be better. I joined some when I moved city and didn't know anyone, and I made some great friends who I still see now.

Some of these sites arrange events for people to go to, some are just a place to connect and then it's up to you, and with some you are encouraged to set up your own events for other people to attend.

SaturdayNext · 18/02/2019 14:04

Have you thought of trying something slightly out of the standard run of leisure activities, e.g. politics, bellringing, bridge, campaigning, etc?

Tistheseason17 · 18/02/2019 14:44

You have a very negative mindset. Most suggestions shot down. You don't like talking to your friends about their children...

I had a friend like this - broke my heart that our friendship ended because she thought I could not have any other conversation. Probably was not a true friend to me as I was to her.

Looks like everyone is moving on with their lives except you.

If you want things to change perhaps look inwards and thinking about the changes you need to make that will attract new friends.

RhubarbTea · 18/02/2019 14:46

OP you haven't responded when asked what things you like doing, if you tell us then we can help you find good stuff locally.

IvanaPee · 18/02/2019 14:46

I know you keep rejecting the idea but a change in job could make a world of difference, it really could!

Seth · 18/02/2019 14:52

I joined a choir when I was in a similar position and I suppose fell in lucky. There was another similar age person whose first night it was too and we stood next to each other. 8 years on and we are great friends. I do think those types of things can be had to break into the established groups but if it's your first time at something it's bound to be someone else's first time too.

bullyingadvice2017 · 18/02/2019 14:56

Go to the pub? How come blokes are not even notices if they go to the pub for a few hours now and then. They can go alone and no one bats a eyelid. Women don't feel like they can do it the same. I feel like a alchy if I did that