To have absolutely no friends

[twopizzaseverytuesday]

I mean, none. It’s downright embarrassing really.

I am single and have no kids. I’ve actually contemplated having a child (I’ve always wanted a family) but partly because it puts me in social settings.

I just don’t know how to sort this!

Carr1e I don't think it's idiotic to suggest that someone who admits to having no friends or family or feel able to do anything about it might feel depressed about that. Personally I don't see any stigma in depression, so it's okay to have it. Nor do I see any problem in having counselling as it can be great if you're feeling stuck. Again don't see any stigma about it, so don't see it's any different from giving any other advice, such as join the WI or an evening class. As the OP has said they've seen four counsellors already, they obviously agree. As I have some experience of being in therapy myself, I happen to know a bit about it, that there are several different styles and that you have to engage. Therefore, it's perfectly reasonable to provide that to the OP who can choose to accept or reject that, as with all the other comments on here.

I'm not quite sure if the OP wanted advice or just to feel sad, in which case it's might be a good idea to make that clear upfront. Again there's no stigma about wanting to have some sympathy.

When I've posted on here with my own problems I've always found the people with strong views as helpful as those just showing sympathy. I don't think people have been abusive on this thread. Challenging the OP is not the same thing at all.

@twopizzaseverytuesday I have, my friends children are an extension of them and I value their friendship and my role in their lives so I make the effort. Maybe it's different because we are close friends and I want a relationship with the children as much as I do them.

Tixywixy I work in MH so well aware of signs of depression. When you suggested counselling and the OP said no, you then asked why not!! Then mentioned it again later on. Ask once, don’t keep labouring the point.
People are far too keen to diagnose MH disorders on here without any clinical knowledge

Well said @Tixywixy

I think there is a lack of understanding of being abusive and being challenging.

People will question you and challenge you on the things you said and if you are posting on the subject publically then what else do you expect?

1. Change your job, you don't like the people and feel like you have to watch your back.
2. Move, if there are only activities for parents or retired people, there is nothing to stay for. Research locations to ensure they have what you want.
3. Make a list of 5 things you would like to try. Do at least 2 with a positive attitude before Easter. Even if it means having to get up early.
4. See GP for Social Prescribing

Or maybe we are just different people funny? I did what you’re doing for years and finally I realised it brought me no real pleasure, so stopped

i totally get this and if it's people saying you are negative it's so so hard to make friends as an adult especially outside of a major city where nothing happens. I have no friends either, I have tried meet up and found it very difficult to click with anyone. To the person saying get a dog as she .eets people all the time, there's a big difference between chatting to someone on the park once a day and developing a meaningful friendship.

Counselling was a long time ago but it’s not very helpful and I don’t want it.

I tried a counsellor and it wasn’t helpful and people insisted it was obviously not the process but that the counsellor was wrong for me - tried three more times. All lovely people. All ultimately unhelpful.

A new member of staff at our work has made loads of friends by volunteering at a special needs club for adults
She’s always off doing something and it sounds wonderful. Would you try that?

Yep, already have. It didn’t lead to any friendships though!

Can I suggest evening classes? Whenever I move somewhere new and don’t know anyone that’s the first thing I sort out - enrol in local adult education classes to meet people - they offer everything and anything! Learn a new language/photography/upholstery/art/literature - anything! It usually leads to after class meet ups and gradually to friendships, but at the very least I learn something new!

I can relate to a lot of that OP, all my university friends have moved away or we have drifted apart. I don't have kids or a partner so don't have those opportunities to meet people through socialising with them.

I've made my current friends mostly through a charity where I volunteer, and the rest online through shared interests. Finding something you're really passionate about it is the key really I think as having a shared goal to work towards means you already have lots in common. Do you have an interest you could develop? For me it's a cat rescue charity and to some extent I have become more passionate about it the more involved I've become - and being part of a group, talking to some of the other volunteers almost on a daily basis is a big part of it all.

Other things I've seen people do locally are organising an annual community festival, being part of a "friends of __" local parks/natural reserve, and other animal/wildlife rescue groups. If you regularly have reason to speak to the same people about the thing that brought you together, it's easy to get to know them over time and start talking about other things, helping each other out and so on.

I'm wondering if you are free to move somewhere livlier? I've been to Anglia and, no disrespect to those who live there, but it didn't exactly sparkle. Nor is it especially cheap, I think?

Could you just up and move to London/Manchester/Edinburgh, just to shake things up? It's easier to meet people when you move to a new area, I've found. Once I settle into a nice rut I get lazy.

Fair enough OP. My point was made to the other poster that it wasn't 'idiotic' or unkind to suggest it and why it may not have worked for you. I personally feel strongly that there shouldn't be a stigma around counselling as it helps lots of people including myself and a number of my friends and family. I was interested in the kind of counselling you've had but if you've completely shut off that area, there's no point in discussing it further. Good luck with everything.

It depends how you define friend? Do you have someone you talk to on a regular basis?

You say you don't know what type of friend you're after after which is interesting, as you have put yourself out there a lot and yet aren't meeting people you like or who want to be friends with you/you want to be friends with (it isn't clear which it is). How will you know when someone new meets potential friend criteria?

How do you advertise yourself to potential friends in terms of signalling what sort of person you are, what interests you have etc etc so that like-minded people can gravitate towards you and bond with you over a shared love of whatever it is you both love?

What things do you love? What do you enjoy doing when alone? Do you feel like you know yourself very well, and that you like your own personality/enjoy your own company?

OP - I think it is very difficult to make new friends in adulthood. I think anyone could potentially be in your situation through the chance of circumstance. I doubt it’s because of you specifically. It’s just that community is different now. I don’t understand why other posters are being tough on you.

But for your own mental and social well being you need friends. Somehow you have to find a way or life will be very bleak.

Real friendship develops when life experiences are repeatedly shared. I can see that attending one off events don’t really work, usually.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is because I can see exactly your problem. I moved city as an adult and, if I didn’t have children, I can see that it would be extremely difficult to form friendships.

So basically, I have empathy, I don’t believe the problem is because of “you” specifically and I am wrecking my brains trying to think of options for you.

Apologies if someone has said this but how about a book group? Or a WI? - some are trendy now with younger folk and modern themes. Our local one in London is. Are there any community groups near you that run cafes, do projects or offer support for others? - if you were interested in these you might find like minded fellow volunteers?

I know you have your career sorted but could you change your place of work? Lots of people find friends through work - it’s such a shame your environment is not like that.

Truth is, two years ago now I became very, very ill. Until that point I’d been incredibly sociable but I hadn’t realised it was surface shit. I should have but I didn’t.

So I volunteered and I offered to do the shifts no one else wanted. I visited my friends with kids and bought them presents and books and clothes. I went to farms and soft play and nature walks. I dragged myself out of bed on Sunday mornings to go to walking groups even though I found it a bit boring.

Then I got ill. I also really found myself in a bad way financially as I couldn’t work and soon ripped through savings. Recovery took ages and I didn’t see one friend, get one message, no one from the charity I volunteered for missed me. If I’d died I’m convinced my body would still be rotting in my flat actually

I was seriously depressed so I moved to where I am now, that’s the irony! I needed a job, they needed me.

So that’s why I’m a bit cynical.

funnnyfacestace thank you.

Carre1e. I wouldn't call mild depression a mental health disorder. It can happen to anyone who is going through a tough time. If you are posting on a public forum you can expect to be asked questions. The OP could have chosen not to engage with me.

Just because you work in mental health does not make your views more valid than anyone else's. Even in the mental health field people hold different views and have different approaches. The strength of public forums is that you get different opinions and they can benefit not just the OP but anyone who reads the thread. I have benefited myself from this. So no, it's not up to you to tell me how I should or shouldn't post, provided I wasn't being abusive, which I certainly wasn't.

Yes. Illness (particularly, IME, long term illness) can be devastating socially, professionally and financially. It's possible to feel oneself a ghost for years afterwards.

OP I was in your exact position 18 months ago, and for about a decade before that.

Now I have a nice firm group of about 5 friends who I see regularly through the week. Everybody works, but nobody has children. None of us have lots of money but none of us is skint. These are key factors, being in the same place in life makes it so much easier!

I found most of my friends through moving to a new city and joining Meet Up! It was excellent as its based around hobbies, but with the understanding that people want friends out of it too. Pure hobbies can be full of people who just want to do their hobby, have a surface chatter, and see you next week! Meet up hobby groups, in my experience, have included many people who also fancy a pint/walk at the weekend, come over for a film etc etc. which is all I wanted in the first place really. It's like dating for friends. You have to be brave but everybody has been in the same place with it and understand.

I'm don't know your age but where I live we have for example 20-30 social group, 30-40 social group and they are PACKED with people who are usually single, usually childfree, and whose 'old' friends are less available due to diverging lifestyles.

I don't think counseling or positivity are without value but neither will change reality. For example if there isn't a local meet up for people like you logging off and thinking happy thoughts won't make one magically appear when you log back on.

I remember my BIL going through a similar thing and his parents getting worried and paying for counseling which didn't work and he stayed miserable. When he moved to a different town and met a steady girlfriend he felt better and his life improved very quickly.

If the OPs post sounds familiar to people I think it's because friendlessness is a very common problem.

It makes sense why you don't want to just throw yourself into friendships, if you have been burned before.

I had a few years in my late thirties where I felt quite bad that basically I was driving all my friendships- so doing the calling, arranging, always being amenable and that if I didn't do that, some friends would drop away.

I can imagine that if you got seriously ill, once the initial crisis was over, there could be very little or no interaction as people get on with their own lives and families.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I think the whole issue of what happens from here is wider than about friendships-it sounds like this job was great and filled a slot at the time, but may not be suiting you now, so are there any options to move on or away to somewhere busier. I've already given you my opinion that if I were you, I'd be probably more focused on finding a life partner, which I know is equally hard, but friendships can come and go/be a bit ephemeral in a way that hopefully a good solid partnership isn't- but perhaps that isn't for you, I don't know.

There is one more option that I don't think anyone has mentioned: Crossfit. Yeah I know but hear me out. Way better than just "going to the gym" because people tend to go to the same time class every time they go (so you see people regularly) and there is often partner work so you have to talk to people and have time to chat between sets. I know very few people who haven't made at least friendly acquaintances through Crossfit. Because the classes are small and the memberships tend to be smaller, the staff are keener to cultivate the community.

But I get where you're coming from tbh. It is hard to make friends as an adult. I'm an expat and loads of my friends are leaving this summer. I have a massive dread of basically "starting again" on the friends front. I'm going to have to upgrade some Crossfit bods

Making mum friends isn't all it's cracked up to be, making friends because your kids are the same age is great while they are small but then they get older and if they don't get along then it gets tricky especially if you discover many years down the line that the kids is all you actually have in common!!

Can you reconnect with friends you've lost touch with? If they have kids they will be pleased to be able to go out and not have to talk about them! I recently made contact with a friend I've known for years but we had lost touch-she said she didn't think I would want to see her as she couldn't talk about kids/schools etc, it made me sad that she thought that way and I love seeing her.