AIBU? Huge row with Husband

[Sadsoph]

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

Too the person who thinks he's just acting out because of stress; OP said he's been like this on and off for the last 13 years.

And to the (same, I think?) person saying he wouldn't want a baby if he rely felt the way he tells the OP; it's a well known abuse tactic. Tie then down with a baby, so they'll find it even harder to leave, and you'll be able to haunt them forever more.

I think it's a blessing you haven't been able to conceive with him yet. Your life will get worse, MUCH worse, if you have a baby with him. Xxxx

Children don't bring you together, quite the opposite; they challenge a relationship, especially in the early days. If he can't take responsibility for his actions and self management now, imagine how it is going to be in the future. He is acting like a man child and needs to give his head a wobble. Meanwhile, you are left in a state of flux whilst he blames you for anything and everything that is wrong in his life.
In the same situation, I am afraid a temporary period of separation would be in order. Time and space to decide what you both want out of this relationship and a permanent hold on fertility treatment until you do. One of you has to be the grown up and make the call. It clearly won't be him.

Think I’d be inclined to change the locks whilst he is at work with that attitude! Sod him. My partner would never leave me to do all that by myself.

You don’t even want a baby!!???

OP it seems your relationship has been over for a long time now, perhaps from the start. He is a hateful person who thinks you're nothing but a bit of shit. He doesn't even like you. Let alone love you. Let alone in love with you. Why are you hanging on? Why? What for? To be treated like shit? Day in day out? Why? Just go. G.O. Tell him it is O.V.E.R. He will not change. You are hanging around for something (I suspect hoping he will change) that will never happen. You are his punching bag. He doesn't even want to be with you.

If you conceived and had a child - and it's almost 100% he'd take off because he does not sound like he is selfless enough to be a father - is this the example you want to set for your child? To think (if a male) being a lazy person who verbally abuses his wife and treats her like a bit of shit in the gutter, is the right way for him to grow to be a man and replicate the same? Or if it's a girl to think she is not worth more than hanging onto a dead, loveless marriage where she is treated like shit, exploited, and verbally abused? Is that what you want for your son/daughter?

Your husband has clearly been a worthless deadbeat for a long, long time. If he has any redeeming features at all they are overwhelmed by his abuse of you, verbal abuse is domestic violence. Why would you seek to have a baby with someone who doesn't even like you? You are trapped in a cycle and only you can break it. You can choose your sanity, your freedom, you can choose self-esteem and self-respect. You can choose to see that you are worth more than being a verbal punching bag for a man that seems to resent that you even exist. You can choose to put yourself first, start divorce proceedings, and seek a life and happiness with someone else. That someone else is out there waiting for you. But you need to escape from this lowlife you are with first. Please get out of the cycle and seek to be happy. As the thing you are with now can never and will never make you happy.

Second last line of first paragraph should say you are his verbal punching bag.

Is this thread supposed to prove that Mnetters advise women to end marriages despite very little info?

you cant stay with this man youre hoping for something that wont happen with him-hes not goin g to turn round after all this time and be a different person

youre not a baby vessel youre his wife and a person in yor own right-you dont owe him children

why is it his choice to decide to leave you should be doing it

my dsis although not in the exact situation always waits till her partners leave her even though she had been unhappy for ages its like shes holding on for something to change-it never does

dion maybe you should rtft

@DioneTheDiabolist He has said he doesn't want to be with her.

He verbally abuses her.

Are you telling us she should stay?

Sounds pretty awful so unlsee you are 40 and thsi is your last chance ever of a baby and you really want one it does sound as it might be better to call it a day with him.

get all the practical things considered first however - know everything about his finances, his pensions, have copies of his P60s and yours and pay slips and marriage certs etc.

Sausage please don't do this too yourself.
Place the blame where it belongs..him.
Yes you have had a daughter, but his attitude is discussting in greater need than you , as you got one.. who the heck does he think he is ..
If he doesn't help now he never will. Tell him as it is, have had 13 years of abuse from him, you can now see he is not proper father material for any child you create.
That it is better you split and he find someone he doesn't hate to carry on his life with...
He is making promises he knows he never has too keep as he has no respect for you ...

I know a number of men who have had mid life crises. The ones whose marriages survived didn’t have then at their wife / partner. Also, they generally lasted a year or two then settled down. You say he’s always been like this. That’s not a MLC, that’s being a twat.

Mumsnet may jump to LTB too quickly sometimes but this isn’t one of those cases. Do NOT pack his things / change the locks etc. as this could go against you in a divorce. Instead, speak to a solicitor (bear in mind he may check your statements so get a free consultation or pay cash) and find out what you need to do to get out of this relationship. Also, start finding out his assets etc.

He isn’t going to change. Is this really someone you want to be tied to for the rest of your life via a baby (which you apparently don’t even want)?

shouty, nasty behaviour has been happening on and off for 13 years.

Coercive control is abuse and is a crime. It's hard for you to get your head around it though because it's been normalised for you.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk can help you get your head around it as you work towards leaving. Even if you don't want to leave, it could really help you to cope with your circumstances.

It's free to attend, totally confidential, and they won't judge you or tell you what to do. It's 2 hours per week for 12 weeks in small, women only groups.

It's information, not therapy, and you won't have to talk or share anything personal unless you choose to in a discussion - but you'll never be asked to share or expected to. There is no standing up in front of everyone to tell your life story!

They just have lots of really useful information about healthy vs abusive relationships, how they affect us, and how we can heal from them and protect ourselves in future.

It might be a really useful complement alongside your counselling/therapy. It helped me find the strength, courage, and hope for my future that enabled me to leave.

I am so sorry, @SadSausage, it does sound like a real predicament.

If you think that the IVF deadline is going to cause lots of trouble... could you invent an appointment rescheduling to give you a bit more time to think and to get some real life support from your coucillor, family, and maybe legal advice too? Maybe see a Relate person on your own first and see if they think it would help if he came along too? That way you could try to sort out how you feel about the relationship as a whole without having the IVF deadline hanging over your head and adding more pressure.

I do think that blaming everything including the IVF on you is very unfair and its very odd behaviour to say on one hand that he doesn't know if he wants to be with you and on the other hand demand that you continue IVF.
Part of me thinks this might be a ploy. He is setting you up to say no to IVF ( who would say yes under the circumstances he is offering?) so that when you do, he can blame you and say that your refusal is the cause of the split. Which is why I think taking the IVF deadline temporarily out of the equation means it can't muddy the waters and distract from the real issue. Wishing you all the best. I hope you are able to access some support to help you assess this situation and make some decisions about what your best interests are.

well I'm not inclined to say LTB and think I've only said it once when it wasnt clearly a joke. I was sympathetic at first to the strain that ivf can put on a relationship and prepared to offer some calming advice. However this is my second serious LTB.

You have given up 13 years of your life and you are fearful of change and I totally understand that. Unfortunately he is not going to change, you say he's been like this before the ivf and you keep hoping things will change, but they've just got worse, havent they and you've got so used to being abused you have hardly registered that. If you make the mistake of having a child with him he will continue to abuse you. Your child will grow up seeing abusive relationships as normal and we tend to replicate our parents lives so may either become abused or abuser. It really isnt fair to spoil a child's life like this.

Get together the financial paperwork you need first and make sure at least half your money is in your name - at least half because it's easier to negotiate something fair when you hold the bargaining power.

Where do you want to be in 2 years time? He isnt going to magically change so all you can do is stop wasting your own life and move on.

He didn't lift a finger to help me

He didn't lift a finger to help me

He didn't lift a finger to help me

Just saying! Do you think he will help with a baby?

You can also do the freedomprogramme online for about a tenner - well worth it as a start point if you are worried about finding the time to attend a group (although a group will potentially give you the opportunity to make some new female friends, so that’s worthwhile in itself).

Very much recommend it.

The thing is OP its not about the last 13 years, its about the next 13, and beyond. If he has not changed in 13 years I think it is safe to say he never will. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this?

Has anyone recommended you google "sunk costs fallacy?"

The last 13 years shouldn't dictate the rest of your life is devoted to trying to salvage them

I know someone who wasn't truly happy in their relationship, they decided to go ahead with donor egg IVF, which was successful; now she feels totally trapped in a loveless marriage, with a young child who is having some problems at school, possibly because of the scenes he witnesses at home.

Please think very very seriously about this relationship.

"He just wants us to be happy"
Op you are not happy though. He'll never let you be happy. You will always be walking on eggshells around him, enjoying the nice periods, the calm between the storm. Waiting for it to start up again.

That is no way to live.

It's a cycle that you hope and yearn the good period will stay longer, holding your breath, desperately hoping he will change. He will not. 13 years of angry nasty abuse and shouting? OP he will not change. To even suggest you are acting like the c word, is absolutely disgusting. No husband should ever use that word in front of his wife. Especially in nasty anger.

"Also, perhaps I'm being stubborn and still not ready to accept that 13 years is going down the pan because he's being an arse."
By your own words, you never had happiness in that 13 years anyway. So flush it down the pan, where it belongs. It sounds like 13 years in a prison. Break free! 13 years is more than a long enough sentence.

"I want him to stop being an arse and sort his shit out."
It will never happen, and deep down you know it. You'll be waiting until you're 90. And then it will be a wasted life when you could have been happy. Why serve a miserable prison sentence? Make the most of your life now before it's too late.

He sounds lost, depressed and lonely

He really, really doesn't.

Get out now OP. Do you want the rest of your life to look like this?
He sounds vile - abusive and lazy and you're so used to him dragging you down that you can't see you should have walked away years ago.

This man will be a terrible father on top of being a terrible husband - save yourself any more heartache and start living your life without him dragging you down further.

op sounds lost, depressed snd lonely

Because of this prick