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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Huge row with Husband

261 replies

Sadsoph · 17/02/2019 08:51

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/02/2019 11:19

Suicide?!

Nothing gives him the right to treat OP like shit!
If he were to do that it wouldn't be the OPs fault at all!

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:20

Thanks everyone.
The not knowing if he wants to be with me is sudden, but shouty, nasty behaviour has been happening on and off for 13 years.
I don't really want another baby, I have a wonderful adult daughter from a previous relationship.
He tells me I will never understand his pain of infertility because I have her, but how can I change that, I can't.

deadliftgirl · 17/02/2019 11:22

*couple of tips; if you don't want to make it completely obvious that you're not a bloke coming onto MN to undermine women's experience:

  1. Don't choose a username with "girl" or "princess" or any other overtly feminine term. Dead giveaway.
  1. Don't describe PPs as being irrational or over emotional. Dead giveaway. Bloke move.
  1. Don't be quite so obvious when you're undermining someone's experience in a clearly abusive relationship. My husband and I row once in a while but I don't post on here about it because the overall health of out relationship is good. Despite what you might believe, women aren't "hysterical". If people post here it's generally because things have moved into the unhealthy spectrum.*

@tattyheadsmum

First of all you do not sound like a very nice person.

Your comment actually made me laugh so much for thanks for that, was quite comical hahahaha!

I am actually a 31 year old women, from somewhere in the UK who choose my username as I am an active person who likes to work out in the gym. My gender has nothing to do with how I would describe other posters when in fact that is what is happening! I was not undermining anyones experience, I was given my own account of how I perceived this situation.

Your actually a very rude person, women should not bring other women down! Do we not have enough crap to deal with in life without shit like that? Yeah maybe you do not agree with my advice but you do not need to pull me down because of it? I did not come here to directly cause problems or hurt the OP, I was only trying to help. From the sounds of it I am the only women on here who has given genuine advice as you all think LTB is the answer for everything!

But like I said thanks for the laugh! Your too funny!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/02/2019 11:22

He's a bully.
Do you really want to waste these years of your life?

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 11:28

Ok, why are YOU with him?!

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:28

He just apologised for his behaviour last night. He just wants us to be happy.
And according to him, saying 'stop acting like a c##t' like he did last night isn't actually calling me one.
He has sucked the life out if me and I know I need to end this.
I had a very abusive childhood and my counsellor is helping me work out why I stay in these terrible relationships.
I just don't have the strength or guts to leave.

mmmm25 · 17/02/2019 11:30

It's not fair to bring a child into this OP.
Up to you whether you leave or not but please don't go ahead with IVF.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 11:31

Oh you do ok, please don't accept this as your life. You only get one. Is this how you'd want your daughter to live if she was in a relationship like this?

AuntieCJ · 17/02/2019 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:33

Why am I with him..... good question.
I love him (I think? I'm so confused these days I don't even know anymore)
Also, perhaps I'm being stubborn and still not ready to accept that 13 years is going down the pan because he's being an arse.
I want him to stop being an arse and sort his shit out.

AnnaMagnani · 17/02/2019 11:34

So, he wants to be with someone who wants a baby - and he is with someone who firstly doesn't want one and secondly is infertile.

His chosen approach to this is to browbeat you into coming round to his point of view and force you into IVF - taking advantage of the fact you have had an abusive childhood and a history of abusive relationships.

FlowersFlowers

You are worth so much more than this.

thedogattacksthetissuebox · 17/02/2019 11:34

@deadliftgirl your advice is the actual worst.

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:35

I also am realising that I could be waiting for a very long time.
When I tell him I won't start the treatment next week he's going to be devastated.

LagunaBubbles · 17/02/2019 11:38

OP have you name changed and become sad sausage? Confused

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:38

Actually we have unexplained infertility. No one is to blame. Just bad luck.
This is one if the issues, he's had such a wonderful life and pretty much got everything he ever wanted. So not being able to have a baby is killing him.

deadliftgirl · 17/02/2019 11:38

@thedogattacksthetissuebox

Can I ask what makes it the worst?

Was it the part where I suggested the OP and her husband wait until they calm down until they address this?

Or was it the part that they ask these other a series of questions to work out what is actually going on and to determine whether they want the marriage?

Or do you think that everyone should just leave their spouses after having an heated argument and to walk away from X many years of marriage without calmly discussing it all first?

Like exactly what part of my advice was so bad?

I am really intrigued to find out why you think so?

justthecat · 17/02/2019 11:38

Leave him or you’ll waste another 13 yrs on him, you can have a happy future without him, can you really have one with him?
I also dread to think what kind of father he would be

SpanielEars070 · 17/02/2019 11:38

When I tell him I won't start the treatment next week he's going to be devastated

Well perhaps he will learn that there are consequences to his behaviour??

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:38

Yrs I changed my name as was worried about being identified 😕

M3lon · 17/02/2019 11:38

sad I'm glad you have a counsellor to help you see through the fog a bit.

I agree with everyone else really....what that is positive are getting out of this relationship?

If its just a small badge saying 'not single' then honestly it isn't worth the pain. You will be fine on your own!

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:40

I know, but he told me I'm holding him to ransom with the 'your behaviour us bad so I won't do ivf.
I have no intention if bringing a child into this mess but he keeps promising me the world and how he will be the best dad ever and how amazing it will all be.

deadliftgirl · 17/02/2019 11:41

@SadSausage44

I think it would be really useful if you could provide more context to know whether your husband acts like this all the time (yelling and screaming) or whether it was one time incident?

Everyone is throwing around the word abuse when I feel your husband may need serious help here. He sounds lost, depressed and lonely. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are but you are not going to solve anything by staying angry. Like I said before and will say again, discuss and talk when your are both calm.

If you want to leave then leave! But do not be tempted to because some people on here want to give really bad advice.

BettyDuMonde · 17/02/2019 11:42

Fucking hell. This is horrible, you deserve so much more. Get the fuck out, spend any saved IVF money on moving costs or a holiday.

If you had a baby he would get worse, not better. Abusive men almost always do.

M3lon · 17/02/2019 11:42

Also, what exactly is going down the pan? you don't lose those 13 years if you ditch him. You get to keep the good memories, maybe sweep the bad away, and lose the constant pain in your life now.

Maybe you meet someone new and get some more good memories....maybe you don't.
Either option is better than hanging around someone who is being so horrible to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2019 11:43

13 years is not going down the pan. You lived those years. Whatever you do for the rest of your life can't un-live those years, including the presumably good bits that kept you staying and hoping. What you can do is prevent the next 13 years from being wasted.

I firmly believe that if this man is able and willing to change, he still won't unless he knows you are prepared to leave him if he doesn't. It's like an addict having to hit rock bottom before giving up their substance seems like a good idea. The sainted Lundy Bancroft says that abusers can change, but that most don't because of the rewards that being abusive brings them. Rewards like, oh, let's say at random, being able to push off down the pub leaving your wife doing all the work for your expected guests even when she has a bad back, and always having someone to blame for whatever you've done wrong yourself.

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