AIBU? Huge row with Husband

[Sadsoph]

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

He is being unreasonable. Start thinking about what you want and stop waiting for him. You don't want to be alone with a toddler when he decides actually he doesn't want to be with you after all. Babies and chn stress GOOD marriages. Be warned.Good luck.

He fucked off to the pub an hour before guests (his guests and family) were due to arrive?

Nah, totally unacceptable. Take back your power and tell him you want a divorce. He sounds terrible - totally self involved, inconsiderate and disrespectful. You can do better than him.

People say a lot of nasty shit when they are angry at each other and generally sometimes they do not even mean it, they are just so mad and hurt that they want to think about the worst possible thing to say to hurt the other person just as bad.

I think your marriage definitely needs some counselling, he seems very all over the place and he needs some serious help with or without you. I don't even think your the problem OP, I think he is doubting his life choices, how he got here, maybe the lack of children is really upsetting him. I am not really sure but I would encourage you never to leave or end a marriage in the heat of the moment or when emotions are high.

Its best to wait until things have calmed down, he is more reasonable and everyone is less upset and then talk about the state of marriage. The first questions I would want you to ask each other is...

Do you still love me?

Do you want our marriage to work?

What can I do to make you happier in this marriage?

These questions only work when you both are willing and able to sit and listen when the other person is answering. I know he said a lot of hurtful things to do and thats why everyone is like oh just leave the bastard (like always on here) BUT....

Like I said people say really nasty shit they do not mean at times. It doesn't make it okay but its life. I am so happy in my marriage me and my husband never flight but when we were planning our wedding, it was so much at times that we would argue and he would say the most disgusting vile things to me. Later he would apologise and say he didn't mean it and I forgave him. If I had posted about that incident on MN then everyone would be saying LTB and I would have missed out on a loving marriage. People are humans they make mistakes, say things they do not mean and can generally be really horrible at times but this mostly happens when emotions are high and theres a build of feelings of hurt just waiting there to explode.

I would give your husband time, give yourself time and when you next talk try to be as calm as possible and consider the questions I asked. As for the IVF put it off at least one cycle.

He’s an idiot

Showed this my sister who was about to donate her eggs and she is now seriously reconsidering

Giving the gift of children to people like your partner is not what she is going through huge personal sacrifice for (she is doing it altruistically not as part of her own ivf)

NO, No, NO, and NO to counselling with this man.

Never ever ever have counselling where there is abuse involved.

OP's husband has cheated, controlled finances, gaslighted and emotionally abused. Counselling just gives another opportunity to rack up the abuse - he already has demonstrated that he thinks everything is the OP's fault and it is only her that has to change.

She has to have a baby, she has to do complicated cooking, she has to accommodate all his family, she has to clean the house, she has to psychically know how to ask him to do things without actually asking, and even then if she meets all his standards he isn't even sure if he wants to stay.

Does this really sound like a man who is going to sit nicely and openly and listen to what he has to do?

It isn't a healthy relationship of give and take. It's just abuse. The marriage is dead in the water and has been for a while.

I echo what others are saying. This man will not be able to deal with fatherhood because he is too self-centred and downright nasty. Start making your exit plan.

Your life will be so much easier, less stressful, and eventually happier without this man. (Unless you have a baby with him! Then you'll be joined to him and his shitty behaviour for decades). While the thought of leaving and starting again on your own may sound upsetting and scary, it's honestly the path to future happiness. Don't put up with him and his abuse.

He's making it all your fault,BUT my DH often asks about going to the gym, cycling etc and I say yeah sure but before you go can you just do .......
It works and doesn't cause problems to row about

Good luck

Deadliftgirl has just given some absolutely woeful advice on another thread so good to see "she" is consistent.

First thing tomorrow morning make a call to a good family solicitor. And then LTB.

Don't give him a baby to raise with an OW.

*re the above from me ... a tactic if you do stay together - he doesn't sound like a keeper to me though

he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore

Please stop making excuses for him - he is a big piece of shit, nothing to do with his "midlife". . Blaming you for everything ( even blamed his sister for not telling him to go home ....give me strength !)

Time to move on. Have your own midlife crisis - and bin him.

You cannot, in all seriousness, say that you are confident that this man will be a consistently kind, patient, understanding father to a child. He has messed with your head so that you don’t know which way is up in your marriage. But you are clearly not a stupid woman, just worn down.

Stop thinking about this from a marriage point of view and just ask yourself whether you think he could be kind and even-tempered with a tantruming toddler. It would be quite, quite wrong to bring a child into the world with this man. Please don’t.

Tell him to fuck off

Where are you so he doesn't have to see you?

@AnnaMagnani

It does not sound like abuse, just a very toxic argument and we have (for context) only been given one example of an argument, not their whole marriage or an overview of how he normally acts. You do not even know this women in real life or her husband and you have no idea about what actually happened. It sounds like your just being as emotional here and not thinking rationally that maybe he is just having a difficult time of it and needs serious help. Does not excuse his behaviour but if and when they calm own he might be able to listen. Unless you have super human powers and you can completely 100% see the future or see into their marriage then do not belittle the good things that open communication and counselling can do!

@tattyheadsmum

I agree the advice on the other thread was a bit far fetched but for context was a different situation. The women on the other thread said that her husband sexually abused his sister in the past and I would do anything to protect my children from that.

In this situation he has not abused his wife, it is a different situation and they had a very heated and toxic argument but it happens when people are angry!

This 'man' needs to grow up. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It very easy for us to say to leave him but none of us would want to be in this situation as reading it I'm a bit heartbroken for you. I think you should have some time away from him, time to yourself for your wellbeing and decide what you want to do. Don't let him call the shots, know ur worth xxx.

sad my abiding relief is that I didn’t have children with my wanker of an ex husband.

Hope you’re ok...hopefully this is your light bulb moment and you make the decision, not keep hanging around for him.

Just to put a slightly different perspective - is this change of personality fairly sudden? I'm just wondering if he is depressed and heading for a nervous breakdown - all the isolating himself and the irrationality and inability to make a decision. Not that it makes it any easier for you and if this were the case it would be an equally strong reason for not going ahead with the IVF as a baby would break both of you at the moment.

What are you ? Rent a womb ?

He wants you pregnant so he doesn't have to start the arduous process of donor IVF with OW. Once baby is here he will leave and claim 50% residency.

Get him the fuck away from you. The guy is abusive.

maybe he is just having a difficult time of it and needs serious help

I think I speak for most posters here when I say "fuck that shit". OP is the one who has put her body through two rounds of IVF and is therefore in need of support, not an emotional thrashing. A man who is desperate to become a father had best prove himself to be a grown-up first. And that means taking responsibility for his own feelings and actions. There's no way he's in such emotional turmoil that he's incapable of running a quick vacuum round the lounge instead of absolutely having to run out for a beer just before his guests turn up - unless he's a raging alcoholic, which wouldn't exactly be a great asset for the parenting.

Deadliftgirl, couple of tips; if you don't want to make it completely obvious that you're not a bloke coming onto MN to undermine women's experience:

1. Don't choose a username with "girl" or "princess" or any other overtly feminine term. Dead giveaway.

1. Don't describe PPs as being irrational or over emotional. Dead giveaway. Bloke move.

1. Don't be quite so obvious when you're undermining someone's experience in a clearly abusive relationship. My husband and I row once in a while but I don't post on here about it because the overall health of out relationship is good. Despite what you might believe, women aren't "hysterical". If people post here it's generally because things have moved into the unhealthy spectrum.

I think I speak for most posters here when I say "fuck that shit".

Would everyone still agree to this if he commits suicide tomorrow or are you all that heartless that you cannot stop and see both sides of what actually be happening?

Your post made me want to cry.

He's done such a number on you that you now believe him that you're not worth anything.

If my DH had given me 5 minutes of that attitude, the evening would have been cancelled and I'd have gone out for the day. Instead, you run round after him like a sad kicked puppy begging for another kicking because any attention is better than none.

You really need to think more of yourself