AIBU? Huge row with Husband

[Sadsoph]

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

Leave him, your DH is an arsehole. This is really shitty behaviour.

OP, I left my ex after a relationship more than twice as long as yours. He was an abusive prick, altough he hardly ever laid a finger on me.

Once I left, I got calls about his behaviour and threats of suicide. It's all emotional blackmail bollocks, and was designed to pull me back in. I ignored it, simply called 101 and let the police deal with him. It stopped (but he still tried it at least 3 times, the last involving our teen DD which I'll never forgive him for).

Suicide threats as a means of manipulation is real and common. I'm guessing certain posters have little/no experience of it.

I still think OP needs to leave, those 13 years are gone whether she leaves or stays, and if he hasn't changed yet, he never will do.

My biggest regret is not leaving sooner, I also got caught up in the sunk costs fallacy.

Please leave! It's much easier before you have children. I wish I'd done it!

I hope you cancel your IVF appointment next week unless you want to be tied to him for life via your child.

I have no idea if he's having a midlife crisis or just being an arsehole (I suspect the latter) in which case as painful as it is, for your own benefit you need to take the power out of his hands. Don't wait for him to decide if he wants to stay or go - you tell him that you are not happy and would like him to leave for a couple of weeks to give you time to decide if you want the relationship to continue.

That should shake him up a bit and show him you are in control, not him. Even if you don't feel it, fake it.

Good luck

Not yet RTTT, but immediately this

“and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?. “

...says to me OW & birthday shag.

@UniversalAunt - sadly I think you're right.

People rarely change who they are on the most basic level. He's not likely to change for the better, and there are a lot of things that would need to change to make this a decent marriage.

Under no circumstances would I try to get pregnant while the relationship is in such a state of upheaval, and honestly, I'd be seriously considering a divorce.

Maybe you could have communicated with him better about wanting a bit of help with the house and meal prep but that's no excuse for him to react the way he did. Do you really want to bring a child into the world with a man who treats you like this? That's not a healthy relationship to show to a child. You deserve better. Do you really want to be with someone like him forever?

I fully agree that he is behaving terribly and you should leave - if that's what you feel is right. I hope so.

However -

Going for a pint on your own does not mean you have a drink problem. My DH does this. He likes to have a pint in a pub and read the paper.

Also it does not necessarily mean OW and a birthday shag.

You clearly have a lot of problems in your relationship and I wish you well but there are some huge projections by some people.

It does not sound like abuse, just a very toxic argument
In this situation he has not abused his wife

Abuse does not have to be physical. This sort of emotional abuse is recognised by the law. Do come into the 21st century, @deadliftgirl. And as for your own example, I would have run as far as I could from that fucker, not married him. My father was like that, exploding into anger and verbal abuse as soon as he was the slightest bit "stressed", and it completely fucked me up mentally. You're probably bending over backwards to placate him like my mother and kidding yourself that you have a good marriage. So stop giving out rubbish advice such as verbal aggression is not abuse and get educated.

He’s a lazy pig.
You did nothing wrong here.
Could you go stay in a hotel for a few nights?
Don’t tell him where you are even turn your phone off for a few days to clear your head?

Obviously tell him your going to a hotel and that you need a few days to think xx

The not knowing if he wants to be with me is sudden, but shouty, nasty behaviour has been happening on and off for 13 years

Whatever you do, don't bring a child into that. I was a child in this situation and my father continued to abuse me verbally his whole life, including in public in his 80s. I have been totally screwed up mentally by it and struggle in relationships and at work due to my deep sense of unworthiness. Don't let this man do this to you and don't let him do this to an innocent child.

he has been a nightmare for 13 years, a Jekyll and Hyde.

I was married to.one of these for 13 years, together for 20.

Leaving was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it was the right thing. I was convinced all sorts of awful things would happen as a result...he actually moved on in record speed, we managed to sort out our own divorce settlement and he's in a new relationship whilst I'm happily single.

For every tough time I've had over the last 2.5 years I have never regretted it for a second.

It won't be easy but you absolutely can do this.

You sound codependent to me in my humble opinion
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship
I think getting out of this relationship and spending some time finding out who you are is the best idea. Good luck to you

@deadliftgirl your advice is the worst because you obviously know nothing about coercive control, emotional abuse or any kind of abuse really. Lots of the women on this post do recognise it. You need to educate yourself before you give out harmful advice that could see someone staying in a relationship and trying to 'support' the 'mental health' of an abusive man.

www.cocoawareness.co.uk/our-story

Oh OP, what a sad post. What you wrote has attracted a lot of responses - I've just come to the tenth page of them - and there's little I can add that could surpass the common-sense and understanding you were mostly shown throughout this thread.

It's been thirteen years and you say he's always had a 'Mr Hyde' side. This doesn't get better. It escalates. Always. And pregnancy is also a known trigger. Please, for the love of God, do not go through fertility treatment with this man. Beware, too, if you do leave him and he follows you professing undying love. That's also part of the pattern of an abuser: 'lovebombing' it's called, and it's the flip-side of the gaslighting and invalidating treatment you've already described. These are the classic tactics and cycles of an abuser, and unfortunately for me, I can spot them a mile off.

The consensus on this thread couldn't be clearer. What you're suffering is abuse, and people here have recognized this because they've come out on the other side of it themselves. The problem is, we often don't even see that we are victims of abuse until the event has long passed. And the younger it starts, and the longer it goes on for, the harder it is to reach that clarity of vision. I speak from personal experience.

I think on this occasion MN's members have been both kind and wise. You would also be wise to listen to their advice.

I'm sorry OP.

Leave now before having kids. He sounds horrible and a lot of us find that we feel we have to stay with these d*cks once we’ve had children. You don’t have kids yet, get out now while you don’t have added emotional guilt of breaking a family up X

YANBU to expect him to help, birthday or not. He's a grown man, not a child. If he'd helped (or done the cleaning you asked) maybe nipping out for pint would have been OK. Maybe being late back would have been OK, but his reaction is clearly not someone who loves and cherishes you.

Don't have a baby with him, can you imagine parenting with him? the sulking, the arguing, this should be from the child with you guys as a united front. He will either try and control you through the child, leave you when it all gets too hard or be the disney dad that gangs up with the child to undermine everything you do.

Halt the IVF, have some time apart, counseling if you feel there is something worth saving... and don't lie why it's happening, tell your family, his family etc that he's been telling you he hates you and you feel the relationship is too damaged to continue together.

@deadliftgirl How can you say this is not abuse? This clearly a marriage with domestic violence. FYI domestic violence also includes verbal abuse. There is a difference between one toxic argument and 13 years of walking on eggshells. It occurs to me deadliftgirl that you have perhaps grown up in an atmosphere of 'toxic arguments' and so it is your norm - you are not aware it is not normal, and you are not aware that it is called verbal abuse, and is considered an abusive dv situation. Pay attention to others on here. You are ill-informed on the topic and are giving out bad advice and dangerous advice.

And that leads me to you complaining the husband may be 'depressed and lonely' for THIRTEEN YEARS that this has been going on for? What about the OP? What about her depression? You throwing in potential suicide shows that you are used to being in or subject to a very controlling and emotionally manipulative relationship for you to even go there. That is something either teenagers or controlling bullies and manipulators use as a threat. It is not something a well-balanced adult would suggest. Further to that, why is the ABUSIVE HUSBAND'S mental health the fault and responsibility of the abused wife? What about if she commits suicide through all the depression and loneliness and abuse she is feeling? Funny how you never considered it for the victim.

Regardless, you should stop giving advice on this site until you've sought counselling for the experiences you've been through and the conditioning you've been subject to. Because your advice is just dangerous and irresponsible.

YABU to your mental,emotional and physical health if you carry on ANY of of relationship with this manipulative, spiteful manchild.

Bet he has someone else too.

If he has been shouty and Nasty on and off for 13 years that sounds like his personality rather than a midlife crisis. Imagine a man like that as a father?

Now is not the time to consider bringing a child into this world. Apart from the fact it appears you already have one in your Husband, and while words which are said in anger (and alcohol fueled) are often not the words best chosen, you need to sort some shite out together first instance.

Take your time. If he doesn't want to sleep with you now, how is it going to be in years to come when you are a bit rounder from having children?

Arghhhh! Run, get away, fast.. go, go, go!

Think about it; you're already stressed out by this jerk who takes advantage of your kindness and good will. Imagine a baby in the mix... I guarantee this man will not lift a finger to help raise his child!

You remind me of myself 20 years ago. My XH treated me the same way but I was foolish enough to have not just one but two children with him. He abused me and then, once the children were past babyhood, he abused them. The DC and I are still trying to pick up the pieces of our lives. Please don't make the same mistake.

Think he's made his decision, in all honesty.
He's made this your fault, when it absolutely isn't - he's trying to rile you into throwing him out so that it's YOUR fault that the marriage breaks up too - then he can piss off into the sunset (or into another woman's bed) without any guilt, because it's YOUR FAULT.

Just tell him it's over now, and you don't want to be with someone who can behave like that to you, with absolutely zero respect and throwing the responsibility of his poor behaviour onto you (and SIL ffs!!)

Sorry.