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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Huge row with Husband

261 replies

Sadsoph · 17/02/2019 08:51

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 17/02/2019 11:44

I'm so sorry OP and i have to say I'm worried for you as well.
I hope you are not going to have a baby with this man just for him to decide he wants the baby not you and try and go for custody. That would be awful.
Do you really want to bring a baby into an unstable, non loving relationship where you husband says he isn't sure he wants you?
I'd stop with the IVF and take a good look at your life without all those crazy hormones buzzing around.
You are a person not an incubator.
Hugs xxx

AuntieCJ · 17/02/2019 11:45

Deadliftgirl - you are the one giving bad advice. Everyone else is supporting OP. Why not go and play your games elsewhere?

M3lon · 17/02/2019 11:46

dead its actually really straight forward. When someone says you tricked them into behaving horrendously, then you know everything is not okay.

Placing blame for bad behaviour with the victim of it is a massive red flag with actually flashing lights on it. Most people on this forum can recognise that, and hence they don;t need to hear much more to know that the relationship is emotionally abusive.

You made me not help out
You made me stay in the pub too late
You made me hate you
You made me hit you

ITs all part of a very obvious victim blaming pattern.

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 11:47

Deadlift girl, in answer to your question he has been a nightmare for 13 years, a Jekyll and Hyde.
I keep waiting and hoping it will stop because we could have a truly wonderful life if it did.

BettyDuMonde · 17/02/2019 11:48

Would everyone still agree to this if he commits suicide tomorrow or are you all that heartless that you cannot stop and see both sides of what actually be happening?

KLAXON

Suicide as a tool of emotional manipulation.

Sounds like you might have some coercive control issues of your own, Deadliftgirl?

lettingthedaysgoby · 17/02/2019 11:50

Who did he go to the pub to see? It's quite unusual for someone just to go to the pub and drink alone, unless they have an alcohol problem...

Also (& I see he's now decided to play nice) if being called out on his bad behaviour makes him have to isolate himself to de-stress and be ready for work 24 hours later, how's he going to deal with being up half the night with a baby? Lazyarsed workavoider now, he'll be doubly so when the baby arrives.

Also, perhaps I'm being stubborn and still not ready to accept that 13 years is going down the pan because he's being an arse. I want him to stop being an arse and sort his shit out.

Thing is, people only change if they decide to (and it's quite rare). You can't change them, and it's a waste of time waiting and hoping they will sort their shit out (beyond a certain point, anyway).

Just walk away.

bringincrazyback · 17/02/2019 11:51

He's treating you like shit OP and you deserve better. Flowers

FriarTuck · 17/02/2019 11:52

I keep waiting and hoping it will stop because we could have a truly wonderful life if it did.
If he's not changed in 13 years he's not going to. You're very unlikely to get a wonderful life with him, child or no child.

MakeAWhish · 17/02/2019 11:56

YANBU.
LTB.

DointItForTheKids · 17/02/2019 11:58

Please God OP, listen to FriarTuck.

How bloody long are you going to wait (= waste your life)?!!

HE WILL NOT CHANGE (other than to get worse).

Mia184 · 17/02/2019 11:58

...but he keeps promising me the world and how he will be the best dad ever and how amazing it will all be.

How about him showing you how he is the best partner ever before your next ivf round?

BettyDuMonde · 17/02/2019 11:58

Have you talked to your adult daughter about any of this? Does she like your husband?

You’ve become so used to managing your husband’s moods and unrealistic expectations that I suspect you might also be shielding her from the reality of your life? If this is true, please reach out to her today, she’s an adult now, she loves you, and hearing her perspective might be the last push you need to hatch an escape plan.

poobumwee · 17/02/2019 11:59

Please don't start a family with this man
I would not be able to stay with someone who is not sure they want to be with me persoanlly, but you must choose what is right for you.
It doesn't sound like much fun!

DarkestPlace · 17/02/2019 12:00

Does he have some sort of misguided belief that if you use donor eggs for IVF, he would have more "rights" to primary custody of the baby as his sperm was used? It is just so bizarre that he is pushing so hard for you to continue IVF, given his contemptuous behaviour toward you.

Don't go through IVF with this man, what if he treats a child like he treats you? A child deserves far better than that.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 12:00

If this bloke commits suicide that would be his choice. Op is the one twisting herself into knots to protect this bloke's mental health to the detriment of her own emotional and physical health

Is deadliftgirl saying it would be op's fault if he topped himself ? Myself, I would consider it one less abuser in the world.

Awful, terrible "advice" from this poster

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 17/02/2019 12:02

You are in an abusive relationship.

youknowmedontyou · 17/02/2019 12:05

He's trying to make you feel you're wrong to justify his horrific behaviour. As previous PP said take the relationship decision away from him and end it.

I'm sorry you're having such a shut time. Thanks

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 17/02/2019 12:10

@deadliftgirl

In this situation he has not abused his wife

Coercive control is illegal and is abuse. The OPs current and previous posts show signs of coercive and emotional abuse.

She has also admitted to having an abusive childhood which leads to an higher probability of having abusive relationships ( which she has also admitted to having). This partner is probably a prince compared to previous partners but it still doesn’t mean he’s not abusive, being the best out of a bad lot isn’t a good thing.

Just because he’s not slapping her around doesn’t mean he’s not abusive.

nicenewdusters · 17/02/2019 12:13

Why would he change OP? He gets to treat you how he likes. Sometimes he's "nice" if it suits him, let's face it even he knows he needs to give you something to cling on for.

He's destroying your mental health, you twist yourself into knots to survive another day incase tomorrow is the start of something good. To top it all off you still want to provide him with a child, as he's used to getting what he wants, so why the hell shouldn't you help him get this?

Because he's a nasty man who hates you, that's why. Don't try and work him out, he's not worth it. You've given him 13 years. Let him work himself out and if he can't - not your problem. If he feels suicidal - not your problem. If he tells you he feels suicidal - also not your problem, it's a classic abusive ploy.

You should be raging, not crying. You can leave him. He'd leave you in a heartbeat if he got a better offer. Sorry, but you can't sugarcoat stuff like this.

PosiePerkinandPootle · 17/02/2019 12:14

There are many many similar threads on here, and worse esp once the OP is pregnant and has to put up with even worse shit. There are many many wise, experienced posters who all give the same advice. I can't better what they are telling you, I can only add run for the hills. He's at work now right? Start getting all the documents together that you need. Make sure all your access to bank accounts, emails etc are password protected. Get some essentials together and leave them in the car in case you want to bolt. Start planning your route to freedom. His birthday - your Independence Day.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/02/2019 12:15

Also, perhaps I'm being stubborn and still not ready to accept that 13 years is going down the pan because he's being an arse.

It's the sunken costs fallacy and it keeps so many women in miserable marriages, adding an extra year to the "loss" as time goes by.

In 5 years you'll have invested 18 years in the relationship,and he'd still be the same.
In 10 you'd have been with him for 23 and still miserable.
The only years that are wasted are the ones after you realise what a shit he is, how miserable he makes you and you're still there to be his emotional punching bag(if it doesn't escalate, and then you'll be an actual punching bag too).

Even if you're in your 50's, theres a big chance you'll live more years happily without this man than you have been married to him. It's your future you're sacrificing atm,not your past.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 17/02/2019 12:17

You need to stop referring to this as a "midlife crisis", as if that somehow explains or excuses anything. When a man has a midlife crisis he might start dyeing his hair or buy a silly car, he doesn't turn into an emotionally abusive arsehole. Not unless on some level he has always been an emotionally abusive arsehole.

This is who he is and he's not going to change. All the hurt, shame and confusion you're feeling now...if you have a child with this man they will grow up absorbing all of it. They will grow up believing that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like, that this is how women deserve to be treated. Single parenthood isn't the worst case scenario here, not by a long shot. The worst case scenario is that you'll be trapped in a loveless and degrading sham of a marriage and your children will never be able to have a 'normal' healthy relationship as a result of growing up in such an unhappy home. I don't know if you're aware but, statistically speaking, domestic violence is most likely to begin during pregnancy. Things could get worse, much worse.

Do not have a baby with this man.

Quartz2208 · 17/02/2019 12:18

How does he get on with your daughter because I suspect that relationship has faltered as well due to him

You have waited 13 years for him to change he wont

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/02/2019 12:19

I think if you refuse to go through with the IVF - which you should - he will leave anyway. Why prolong the agony? Tell him he isn't good enough to be the father of your children and you are going to find someone who is.

ChakiraChakra · 17/02/2019 12:22

You'd be mad to think he'll get better if you just give him a baby. He's not even able to keep up an act until you have the baby. This is him. Yes I get that the good times are good if you could just not have the bad. Unfortunately they are a package with him, and it's not going to ever be the happy situation you occasionally get a glimpse of.

You ARE strong enough to leave him, I promise you. You are worth more, MUCH more.