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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Huge row with Husband

261 replies

Sadsoph · 17/02/2019 08:51

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

OP posts:
Timtims · 17/02/2019 09:04

You have done nothing wrong. Your H sounds horrendous and emotionally abusive, and IMHO your marriage is over.
Take control, be strong.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/02/2019 09:05

I think where you are going wrong is that you seem to think that this is some kind of phase that will get fixed/straightened out. It's not. He's telling you who he is and the more you let him treat you like shit the more likely that this is how the rest of your life is going to be.

IVF tests even the strongest and most supportive couples. So do babies. Do you really want to go through all that with HIM by your side?

You are better than this. You definitely deserve better.

Youandwhosearmy · 17/02/2019 09:05

He sounds awful, of course you're not being unreasonable.

I seriously wouldn't recommence the IVF, he treats you like dirt and this is unlikely to change if you're pregnant.

I would ditch him

All the best Flowers

tenbob · 17/02/2019 09:06

I’ve had lots of IVF and I completely, completely get the strain it puts on a relationship.
But it is honestly nothing compared to the strain of a difficult pregnancy and then the newborn days

So if he is being this much of a total bellend in the lead up to IVF, you don’t even want to imagine how useless he would be when you’ve got a baby...

Personally, there wouldn’t be any way back for me after being spoken to like that.
And the blame-everyone-else mentality speaks volumes about what an immature nightmare he would be with children around

I’m so sorry you’ve had to put up with him treating you like this Flowers

BejamNostalgia · 17/02/2019 09:07

He’s a cunt. I have 3 IVF children ranging about my house right now. It was hard yes, but it didn’t mean I had to accept being treated terribly.

I’m not sure how old you are, but if this is your only chance get pregnant before you ditch him, you wouldn’t be doing anything worse than what a lot of fertile women do.

Don’t let him treat you like crap and string you along. You deserve better.

TokyoSushi · 17/02/2019 09:08

Exactly what @HumptyNumptyNooNoo said. He's a twat. Thanks for you OP

Sabulous · 17/02/2019 09:08

This is awful OP.

He seems to be extremely unkind to you, why is he making the decision about whether you two are together? You should be walking away from this appalling treatment.

And if you don't want to to go through with the next round of IVF, don't do it. Don't be pressured into it by him. If you have children together you will be stuck with him in your life, in one way or another, forever. Now you can walk away and never have contact with him again.

You deserve so much better than this.
You deserve to be happy.

EleanorLavish · 17/02/2019 09:09

He sets you up to fail each time.
Its not you, its him.
Move on, it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
Within a weekmonth you will realise this.

Biancadelrioisback · 17/02/2019 09:09

You need to leave him. Do not have a child with him. He will cause so many issues! If this is how he acts now, what about when you're baby is waking every 2-3 hours? Will he just bugger off to the spare room? What about when baby has an explosive poop that goes up into his hair and down to his socks at the same time someone rings or knocks on the door? Will he help or just sit and watch you struggle? When your house slowly descends into chaos with toys everywhere, bits of food everywhere, dirty washing everywhere, will he pitch in or leave you to do it?
Will he criticise you and how your body has changed? Will he kick you when you're down and threaten to leave every time things don't go his way? Will he resent you being at home with the baby while he's at work and 'punish' you by making the baby and the house solely your responsibility?

Having a baby is hard work. You have no idea how it's going to go. Some sleep, some don't, some eat, some don't, some have reflux or colic, some don't. And the impact it has on you too, even the most together people have breakdowns, some have PND, some men get depressed. It's all a confusing and difficult time, it's also fucking glorious. It sounds like your DP is going to hurt you so much more than he'll help you. Don't do it.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 17/02/2019 09:09

Also, I’ve been on these boards a long time and I have never seen a thread that stared with a variation of ‘he loves me but he’s not in love with me’, ‘he doesn’t know what he wants’, ‘I think he’s having a midlife crisis’, and the hasn’t been a OW lurking in the background somewhere.

OW was my first thought too. Just my experience (this doesn’t mean I’m claiming it as a fact) but I’ve never seen a man voluntary leave a relationship unless they had another woman waiting for them, even if they were in unhappy in the relationship they were in.

The deliberation makes me think that he’s waiting for the OW to be available.

Whether or not an OW is involved, he’s a tosser.

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 09:10

Thanks everyone. I did indeed post before about the ivf nightmare I was having and his midlife crisis.
I am clinging on for dear life and I just don't know what it will take for me to walk away from him.
I have tried everything in my power to make this marriage work. I'm seeing a counsellor to try and work out what I want.
I'm such an idiot, I spent a bloody fortune on him for his birthday.

JenniferJareau · 17/02/2019 09:10

He's cheated on you in the past, been emotionally abusive and he controls the finances.

Do not go ahead with the fertility treatment. He treats you like shit and only wants you around so you can have his baby. LTB. Seriously.

Whattheduck · 17/02/2019 09:10

I would let him to go to work then have his bags packed for when he returns he sounds like a complete selfish tosser

Juells · 17/02/2019 09:11

Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help?

I think you're unreasonable to have put up with his shit for so long. He's telling you the marriage is over, believe him :( I recognise the script. He's hoping you'll do the decent thing and take the responsibility for ending it, save him from being the bad guy.

RandomMess · 17/02/2019 09:11

I suspect if you don't end it and then have a baby your marriage will be him having one affair after another and you will be kept on as a domestic appliance and incubator.

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

TheSassyAssassin · 17/02/2019 09:11

Don't have a baby with him. You WILL end up as a single parent and he WILL be a nightmare over contact, maintenance and any joint parenting decision. Walk away. Today! Flowers

Wallsbangers · 17/02/2019 09:12

He sounds truly awful. You deserve more. Flowers

Personally I wouldn't consider bringing a baby into an abusive toxic situation. Can you speak to a friend or family member for some RL support?

Guavaf1sh · 17/02/2019 09:13

I don’t think there is any moving on from this I’m afraid. While IVF torments all couples and tests even the strongest of relationships while breaking the weakest there is something else going on here and the way he treated you is inexcusable

GunpowderGelatine · 17/02/2019 09:13

Oh OP Thanks you deserve better than this

I think the most alarming part is that he doesn't know if he wants to be with you but is insistent that you use your body as a vessel (and as you know IVF is rextrmeely invasive and difficult for women) so he can be a father. Doesn't work like that mate.

LTB

kbPOW · 17/02/2019 09:13

I'd also say 'doesn't know what he wants' translates as he's having an affair with someone who's also in a relationship and is hedging his bets in case she doesn't leave her partner. But that's immaterial as he treats you like crap.

username0421 · 17/02/2019 09:14

I'm confused as to why this man apparently 'doesn't love you' and isn't sure if he wants to be with you or not and all the other crap - but supposedly you're good enough to have his baby...??!

Sorry OP but if what you're saying is accurate and he really is desperate for a baby I think he just sees you as an incubator... he is not nice to you at all and it is definitely NOT you.... you deserve so much better Thanks

username0421 · 17/02/2019 09:15

X-posted with @GunpowderGelatine Grin

DointItForTheKids · 17/02/2019 09:15

Yes, in agreement with YourSarcasm.

When you're in it you can think oh we can sort this and it will all turn out great. Effectively that could mean another (at least) year of your life with this same shitty behaviour from him (and worse), you possibly also pregnant with his child (God forbid) and then at the end of that year the inevitable conclusion that this relationship is done is realised - all you've done is wasted a year and made your life more complicated and made it more difficult to split (although not impossible by any means) because now you've got a baby to look after and probably can't work at least not full time for a bit.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2019 09:15

He’s an arsehole.

Take control and get him out of your life. You’ll be happier without him.

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 09:15

I did wonder if there was an OW tbh I really don't think there is anyone 'active' but I know him and wouldn't be surprised if there is someone on the periphery.
He's absolutely a prime candidate for having an affair/ meeting someone, I know this.