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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Huge row with Husband

261 replies

Sadsoph · 17/02/2019 08:51

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 17/02/2019 10:02

The man you loved left..
Your living with his nasty twin who hates you.
Please go.. have a great life best revenge ever....

DointItForTheKids · 17/02/2019 10:03

OP - "Another night spent crying on my own".

How often does this happen??

It sounds miserable. Give yourself a break and get the heck out of Dodge.

winsinbin · 17/02/2019 10:07

He is not a nice person. He isn’t a loving supportive partner. I doubt he will suddenly have a massive personality change if he becomes a parent so he will not be a good dad. Don’t inflict this selfish, manipulative bully on a child.

I know it’s easy for strangers on a forum to say LTB but it doesn’t need to be said. No one should be treated the way he treats you.

emilybrontescorsett · 17/02/2019 10:10

Oh dear.
Please think very carefully about having a baby with this awful man child.
My advice.
Don't have a child with him.
Separate.
Think about yourself first.
Then if you really want a any a d are prepared to good alone use a sperm donor, then you can use a fit, good looking calm donor rather than the awful husband.
My advice about his behaviour if you don't leave would be to say, that's great that your relies are coming. Then go out, leaving everything to him. Turn up before they arrive after first having gotten glammed up , then float into the room having done nothing to help him.

ButtonMoonLoon · 17/02/2019 10:10

Well from what you’ve posted about him, I reckon you already have a child! He sounds completely self-centred and thoughtless. I wouldn’t be bringing a baby into a relationship this fragile.

BlimeyCalmDown · 17/02/2019 10:12

He has no respect for you and whilst you stay together this is not going to change. Time for you to get strong and take charge of your own life, at least have respect for yourself.

LaurieMarlow · 17/02/2019 10:13

Tell him to go to fuck. You deserve so much better than him.

BlueJava · 17/02/2019 10:13

When I read your post it was all about what he wanted, how you worked around him etc. I think you are very wise to step back from IVF, i appreciate he may be stressed but he doesn't sound nice. Parenthood is also stressful at times and you have to ask yourself if you want that with him? What would you like to do? I wouldnt' be having a child with him for sure.

TerfectlyImperfect · 17/02/2019 10:13

I’ve had IVF and in my experience it was a walk in the park compared to childbirth and looking after a small baby in terms of the impact on my relationship. That said despite all the stress at no point did DH turn into a nasty, entitled, unsympathetic arsehole and if I were in your shoes I would run for the hills.

Twillow · 17/02/2019 10:13

This is over.
He doesn't know what he wants? You know what you DON'T want.
You have already asked some key questions about whether you would do the same things in his shoes. You know you wouldn't.
Possibly he doesn't love you any more.
Possibly he's too scared to admit it to himself.
The rage and mimicking? The start, if none before, of emotional abuse which will wear you down to the bone.
End it now. If you are clinging on in hope of a child, I do feel for you, but no way do you want to have a child WITH HIM.

frazzledasarock · 17/02/2019 10:14

Ltb

You will end up having to anyway as his avusive behaviour will only escalate when you’ve had a baby with him.

I’d do LTB now rather than after having a dc with him as he will continue to control you thro your DC & mess you about with child contact etc. Read some of the threads on here about feckless ex’s who use child contact to control their ex’s.

Why would you want to bring a child into this mix anyway? Why will a child learn growing up in this dynamic? How to be rude to you and treat you like a doormat, how to blame you for everything? How to walk on eggshells around him constantly in order not to set him off?

AJPTaylor · 17/02/2019 10:16

So what are you going to do, besides posting on mumsnet?

flumposie · 17/02/2019 10:16

Please leave him and stop the treatment. My husband treated me exactly the same just before I had IVF . He was unsupportive and when the treatment did work my pregnancy was the loneliest time ever instead of the happiest. He left me twice during the pregnancy coming back just before the birth. We stayed together for nearly 2 more years and then he decided he wanted peace and quiet. I don't know how I actually survived those 3 years. We are separated and actually manage to be amicable now but it was sheer hell at the time. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

KeepCalm · 17/02/2019 10:19

That big baby man child needs the bin. Show him the door. Entitled twat that he is.

blindsighted · 17/02/2019 10:20

He sounds like a douchebag.

Happy birthday and I hope you leave him x

emilybrontescorsett · 17/02/2019 10:22

I also think ow too.
Maybe he's thinking he will stay if you do have a child but he will still shag around.
Anyway I think that is the least of your problems.

Things will be awful if you do have a child with him, he will do even less and you will be pulling your hair out.
Then he will blame you and go off for sex with the ow.

cafesociety · 17/02/2019 10:22

It's glaringly obvious this horrible, devious, manipulative, bullying, selfish man does not love you and the marriage is dead. It's over.

You're being used as a maid and a verbal punchbag. You cannot have a baby with him, things would be 1000 times worse, an innocent baby involved unhappily in the mess, more rows, more misery and your mental health plummeting down hour by hour. Get out and away from this abuse.

recrudescence · 17/02/2019 10:22

There is nothing to work with here. Initiate exit procedure.

Shoxfordian · 17/02/2019 10:23

He's a knob
Make the decision that you don't want someone who doesn't know if they want you and end it

DameFanny · 17/02/2019 10:26

I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday

The perspective is that you didn't have a disagreement, you didn't have an argument.

You were treated like dirt by an abusive man because he can. He expects to throw any insults at you, any duties, and you'll just be there asking how you can make it better. How you can make him love you. How you can make him respect you.

You can't. He doesn't, he won't, he probably never has.

What doyou want? That's not the invented persona he put on to get you hooked? What do you want and how can you get it?

I suggest that if you want a respectful loving relationship of equals you start by leaving this abuser and doing the Freedom Program with Women's Aid.

You can have it all - just not with this abuser Flowers

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/02/2019 10:29

It's over, let him go and move on. You deserve more than this.

Springwalk · 17/02/2019 10:30

Op it strikes me that you don’t even want a baby, you seem to allude to the fact you are doing it for him. I am not sure if it is something you want?

It won’t be a grave mistake to have a baby in the middle of this crisis in your marriage. Whatever you decide to do in the long term I wouldn’t recommend going ahead next week. Is the IVF putting you both under too much pressure op? Xx

Cremeeggsareforever · 17/02/2019 10:30

OP, your DH sounds like a selfish twat. A midlife crisis normally involves a bloke deciding to buy a motorbike or something. Not emotionally abusing his wife, saying he doesn't want to be with her anymore, treating her like a door mat and behaving like a fucking child. Do not have a baby with this man. If this is how he reacts to turning middle aged then god help him when he becomes a father.
Personally I'd have packed up my shit and told him I'll be back in a week. If nothing changes after a week, well....there's your answer.

Springwalk · 17/02/2019 10:31

Won’t - will

longtimelurkerhelen · 17/02/2019 10:33

@Sadsoph

You are being emotionally and financially abused. Please read the book "Why does he do that" I sent you a link in a private message.

You do not deserve this. Please do not have a child with this man.

Also try to contact woman's aid for some practical advice on leaving him.

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