AIBU? Huge row with Husband

[Sadsoph]

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

I know you feel crap but accepting this relationship is over will give you a better future in the long run.

Why are you staying with man?
I don't know how old you are but do you really want to waste the rest of your younger years on a man who does not love and respect you?
Don't trap yourself any further by having his baby.

YANBU and whatever you do do not have a child with him while he is like this. Suggesting you tricked him is complete and utter nonsense and I am sure he knows it. TBH it sounds as though the relationship has run its course and it is time to move on/LTB. Sorry.

You poor poor thing...

Others have said it in different ways but you need to stop being a passenger it all seems to be about him... and you’ve essentially got a drunk captain steering the ship- you need to take control of your own life and start proactively making decisions for yourself

Also you are right to put the ivf on hold - that is a recipe for utter disaster. Just imagine the custody battle...

I’d get out while I could but it’s easy to say and hard to do

I guess I'm in shock that everything we have worked towards for 13 years is about to implode because he's decided he's had enough.

That was the most upsetting thing when I thought about it in hindsight. I thought we had a life-plan that we were working towards together, then suddenly it turns out that he'd abandoned that plan and had an alternative arranged. Not wanting to generalise, but from what I've seen in my own and friends' lives is that men don't leave until they have another cosy arrangement already in place.

Don't get pregnant, you'll be left holding the baby.

I have tried everything in my power to make this marriage work.

The truth is you can't. Not by yourself, and if he's not putting any effort it and has already checked out it's done. You can't love enough for two. Not only is the love gone, but by the way he treats you and speaks to you, it sounds like the respect is gone too. So what's left?
Atm you're like a hamster on a wheel running ragged,falling and getting straight back on without getting anywhere. It's time to get off love.

I can understand why after 13 years it's difficult to up sticks and leave. It's a long time and there will have been many good times as well as the bad. Make the right decision for you, in your own time. In your heart you already know you should leave. But please, please don't have a baby with this man. Move on and build a better future for yourself.

why the hell are you having a baby with this dick?

Please just pack his shit while he's at work
How dare he talk to you like that

Oh and return his bday presents too

Is there anything worth saving or do you just not want to be alone.

I was also wondering this. The way he's treating you isn't a "midlife crisis", it's psychological abuse.

Endings are tough, but they're also part of life and sometimes we just have to find a way to get through them so we can get to something better.

You can keep twisting yourself into knots, but he'll just keep moving the goalposts like he did this time. It's about having control of you by making you always "wrong" - regardless of how illogical he has to be to get that outcome.

Him telling you he doesn't know if he wants to stay etc also seems designed to get you to tolerate more abuse and manipulation - you're so desperate to do whatever he wants to appease him so he won't leave you, that you leaving him because his behaviour is abhorrent doesn't cross your mind. He stays in control and doesn't even have to pretend to behave like a decent human being anymore.

I do understand that letting go is painful, but do you think you're staying because you are holding onto the dream of your future even though it's already gone? Likewise, do you really love the man who is treating you so badly, or do you love the fantasy of the man you thought he was and who you thought he would be as your life progressed?

You can have new dreams. Letting go of this one doesn't mean there will never again be anything good in your life, it really doesn't.

This is no way to live, and there is no evidence to suggest it will change. But leaving and taking back control of your own life will give you the chance to build something better, even if you can't imagine what that might be right now.

Thing is, while you're still living like this and clinging onto the ashes of the old dream, you won't be able to imagine anything new or better or different. And you won't be able to make it happen.

Tell him to go and definitely do not have a baby with him. Whatever is going on with him, it isn’t your problem to solve and using you as an emotional punching bag, is not an acceptable way of dealing with his issues.

A baby has never cured an entitled twat, it only gives way to more entitled twatery.

Take back your power and tell him to find some other sucker to disrespect because you are worth more.

Such a sad post op. Please free yourself from this horrible excuse for a man. It seems like every day you are stressed trying not to put a foot wrong, working like a slave to please this man. He knows he has the upper hand because you want to make things work and is treating you appallingly. Things simply cannot be any worse can they?

The chances of a successful ivf outcome is minimal when you are so very stressed, afraid and unsupported.

Please take back control and tell him to leave. You will then have the time and space to think about what you want for your future without having to tiptoe around this hateful man. You might be surprised at the peace you feel.

He wants to leave but rather than blame himself he's looking for a 'reason'. He manufactured the argument to get his reason.
You deserve better.

Please halt your treatment and leave the relationship. It's not unusual for a man to be lazy round the house and for a woman to be unappreciated..... But the way he blames you, manipulates you and speaks to you is absolutely, completely unacceptable. He mimicked you in an argument??? How dare he treat you with such contempt and disdain? That would be the line crossed for me, with absolutely no going back. I would not want to be with someone who treated me so nastily. Mocking me like that would simply turn off my love like a switch.
So , no to further treatment and start taking steps to get away from him. Really.

You don't have to up and leave the instant you accept that is what ultimately needs to happen. As long as you take care of yourself in the interim it is ok to come to terms with it and prepare yourself for the next step when you are ready. It's a gradual process for most of us.

But please don't let him railroad you into continuing with the IVF. You are perfectly reasonable to say no, it is not the right time or right circumstances. If he was a reasonable person he would not expect you to go through that while he was behaving like this.

Take care

Oh, is he one of these people to whom everything has always come easily, who has failed to develop any resilience? So when something doesn't go right, he has no experience of how to deal with it and goes into a disproportionately hopeless decline?

Does he now associate you with his conception 'failure' so see you as tainted and suspect - as not playing the part in his perfect shiny life-journey that he thought you did?

I don't think there's any coming back from that - his idea of what you are has changed permanently - except by him gaining some maturity, working out what he really wants in life and acknowledging that sometimes it doesn't come easily. He won't do that while he has you there to focus his negative feelings upon.

If he leaves, he won't come back to you though. He'll find a new, shiny woman, untainted by his feelings of failure.

Please read what you've written with fresh eyes this morning.

He completely lost his shit with me

...so it wasn't his fault.

I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain

I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help

I'm devious and trick him

Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him

He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.

Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.

he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.

He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.

These are the words and actions of the man who is supposed to be your life partner. The person you have chosen to be by your side through good times and bad. The man you had chosen to have a baby with.

It appears that this man thinks nothing of getting you to cook (complicated stuff) and clean for his extended family without him lifting a finger to help... even to do the one thing you asked him to do. Who thinks it's appropriate to chill out, then go to the pub to chill out some more, while in his full knowledge, his wife slaves away at home preparing for his family's visit that he invited.

It appears that his baseline for doing anything towards his own family visit he arranged is you complaining that he hasn't. There appears to be zero interest in him taking any responsibility for shouting his house and food out for an event he put on. IMO it should be him doing the labour and you helping him. Helping implies the other person still doing the lion's share and having overall responsibility. It should have been him having overall responsibility, and he couldn't even be arsed to be the helper. No wonder you're angry.

It also appears that he thinks he shouldn't be challenged on his behaviour.

And that his response to conflict isn't to bean adult and work together to find a way forward, but to shout, mimick you and threaten you with the end of your marriage.

As others have said, you don't have to wait around for him to decide if he will deign to stay with the women he is abusing. You can take control of your own destiny and not put up with being treated like this. You deserve to be treated like a human by the person you choose as a life partner. That means treated with respect, being seen as equal, with love, and working together as a team. Especially at a time that is tough for you both.

You are a human. You are not a Stepford Wife.

This isn't a midlife crisis. This is him telling you who he is. He is an abuser who is gaslighting the shit out of you.

I'd suggest you get this thread moved to Relationships, read Lundy Bancroft as soon as possible and see a solicitor.

He sounds bloody awful. Does he have any redeeming features? Surely it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like they despise you?

What do you get out of this relationship? I know you love him but I think you have to consider if he is still worthy of your love.

When was he last a loving, supportive partner?

OP, you say, more than once, he is throwing away everything you have worked for. But really what is that ? Wealth and a loving relationship?

The pensions, assets and wealth are still there and can be split up 50/50 between the pair of you. Enabling you to have a fresh start.

The relationship is a sham now even if it wasn’t in the past. Surely you must see that. There is no love, no empathy and no comfort. I just hear nastiness, blame and dislike, not even indifference from him. Basically he is just too gutless to act on this, so he takes it out on you. Do it for him today. Ask him to leave. Move half joint money and savings into your account.

If he doesn’t leave, then leave yourself if you can afford it or start living separate lives. I would be doing that today. And ffs don’t cook for him today or ever again.

I think you need to decide whether YOU want to be with someone who treats you the way he does. I wouldn't tolerate it, but it's about what you want. Why do you want to stay with him? What is good about your relationship? What strikes me is that you write a lot about his feelings, what he wants and that he is desperate for a baby but no mention as to whether you want to continue the marriage or that YOU want a baby. I think you need to take time to figure out what you want.

From the outside it would seem little is well in your relationship- he clearly doesn't respect you given the way he talks to you and the way keeps you hanging on tenterhooks as to whether he wants to continue in the marriage. Furthermore, he is pressuring you into having IVF at a time when things aren't good between you and you have shown reluctance to go ahead. A responsible, sensible person would put having a baby on hold until their relationship was sorted out and not pressurise their partner into having a baby. Baby's don't heal a bad relationship and they can test even good relationships. This is all about what he wants and feels. Your feelings and wants don't get a single mention.

As for " can't live with you but he can't live without you?" I could not accept that as a solution- that's not a commitment to your relationship. At best it is a half-hearted "settling" on his part but more likely "this will do until someone better comes along". At worse, he's hanging on until he's got what he wants- a baby- and then will end it.

His behaviour is unacceptable- he is clearly thoughtless and selfish, but worse than that is his attempting to twist the situation to lay the blame at your door. You didn't "trick him" into anything. This is gaslighting on his behalf. Don't play into his hands.

Whilst you are unsure of the relationship you should not out yourself through the rigours of IVF. I don't think it wise to have a baby with your relationship the way it is.

This sounds very much like a man who thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, and is being nasty so you throw him out and he doesn't have to take any responsibility for behaving badly.

He will not be a good father if you go ahead with treatment.

Coronapop
YANBU and whatever you do do not have a child with him while he is like this.

Should read:
YANBU and whatever you do do not have a child with him.

He won't get better and even if he 'improves' I guarantee you OP it will be temporary and only last long enough for you to get pregnant and then that'll be real fun won't it, a man who won't help with night feeds, won't change a nappy, won't pick up the slack around the house, has strops, lashes our verbally at you whenever you ask for help or call him out on being a feckless cocklodger (which he is).