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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Huge row with Husband

261 replies

Sadsoph · 17/02/2019 08:51

Hello lovely mumsnetters, I could really do with some perspective on a horrible disagreement I had with my husband yesterday.
Bit of background. We have had a terrible couple of months as he is having a huge midlife crisis and apparently doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He's miserable at home and can't be himself around me (he says). We had been doing fertility treatment as he is desperate for a baby but when he told me he wasn't sure if we had a future, I halted the 3rd round of donor egg ivf I was about to do as why the hell would I have a baby with someone who is unsure of our relationship?
Anyway, he decided he can't live with me but can't live without me, gee thanks 🙄 so we are still together muddling through and he's putting quite a lot of pressure on me to start the treatment again which would be next week. So i am super stressed (quietly, inside, freaking out) about that.

Anyway, I digress..... it's his birthday today and he is working at midday, he invited his brother and wife and kids over for dinner last night.
I did all the grocery shopping, spent hours cleaning the house and was cooking something quite complicated at his request.
He didn't lift a finger to help me, I had asked him just to clean the lounge but it was getting quite late in the day so I just went ahead and did it as it didn't look like it was going to get done.
He walked the dog in the morning, had a snooze in the afternoon and announced about an hour before everyone was arriving that he fancied a pint.
In order to not cause an argument and to be nice, I said great, but please can you just be half an hour as I will need a bit of help.
An hour later, they arrive, with his mum in tow as he had forgotten to tell me she was also coming.....and he was still in the pub.
I was super stressed by this point and called him and said ffs everyone is here where the fuck are you?
He got home and I was a bit annoyed but had dinner etc.
When everyone left I tried to explain to him why I was a bit peed off, he'd done nothing to help all day and wasn't even here when everyone arrived.
He completely lost his shit with me, he'd asked my sis in law to call him so he'd be at home when they arrived and she didn't, so it wasn't his fault.
I'd tricked him into thinking it was ok to walk the dog, have a sleep and go to the pub... because I didn't complain when he did all those things and I had said it was fine to go so I had no right to complain that he hadn't done anything to help. I'm devious and trick him. Lull him into a false sense of security and then have a go at him when everyone leaves... (not quite sure when I'm meant to talk to him... when everyone was here?)
He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Mimicking my voice and shouting and storming around.
So last night, at his insistence we slept in seperate rooms and he doesn't want to see me today as he doesn't want to be stressed out before work.
Am I being unreasonable to think he should have offered to help? He knows I have a bad back, it was his family coming over. I just know if it was the other way round I would never do this to him.
Another night spent crying on my own. Joy.

OP posts:
FlagFish · 17/02/2019 09:16

Please, please halt the IVF and ditch this abusive man.

tenbob · 17/02/2019 09:16

I'm such an idiot, I spent a bloody fortune on him for his birthday.

Presumably you haven’t given him the presents yet. And if you have, he is off to work shortly

Step one of getting some control of this shitty situation is to return or eBay throes presents and work out what you are doing to spend the money on for yourself

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2019 09:17

Yes this bad now. Can you imagine how badly her treat you when there's a baby in the mix?

And I know he wouldn't have done all that for you on your birthday!

What are you expecting to change?

FiveRedBricks · 17/02/2019 09:17

There's another woman in the background or the dream of one. He's resentful of the IVF and needing donor eggs and why his life isn't easy enough to have a shag and get pregnant. A lot of men get like that during IVF and that's why it can cause relationships to fail during the process. Equally some women are as bad but when it's the women's fertility that's the issue a lot of men take umbridge when deep in the process if it's not been easy. Somewhere deep in their head it's not 'fair' and probably connected to some primal masculinity about being able to get every woman pregnant if they wanted to, but failing or appearing to fail in this instance.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2019 09:18

What FlagFish said. You deserve better

Starlight456 · 17/02/2019 09:19

If you go ahead with ivf and it ties you to this man for life.

His behaviour is appalling . He is calling all the shots . Time to say enough is enough . You do not deserve to be treated this way.

FiveRedBricks · 17/02/2019 09:19

@SadSausage44 name change fail OP?

GreenTulips · 17/02/2019 09:19

All this is about him isn’t it?
He wants the treatment to carry on
He wanted you to cook dinner
He wanted to go to the pub

There’s no thought about you in any of this is there?

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 09:20

I'm just exhausted by him.
I guess I'm in shock that everything we have worked towards for 13 years is about to implode because he's decided he's had enough.
He's totally fucked my head.

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2019 09:21

Name change fail, OP?

It gets worse! Move this to Relationships and start planning your divorce.

Hanab · 17/02/2019 09:21

Agree with @DisplayPurposeOnly

singme · 17/02/2019 09:21

Just had to log in to reply to this. Please don’t have a baby with him or you’ll struggle so much to get out!
My ex husband said everything that yours has, strung me along for months and made my life hell. I saw a counsellor too (so definitely recommend that if you can afford it). I gradually realised that the decision was in my hands and I was the one who moved out. Over a year on now and I’m so much happier, been on some great trips, doing well at work without being made to feel guilty about it and have a lovely boyfriend who treats me properly.

You are worth more than this and your future children deserve a happy mum! Hope you’re ok OP Flowers

chipsandgin · 17/02/2019 09:22

He wants a baby, he wanted to walk the dog/sleep/pub, he chose not to help, why is it all about what HE wants, what do YOU want? Yet apparently everything is always someone else's fault & never his? You scuttle about being subservient and meeting his wishes, then he shouts at you when you have the temerity to complain!? Does he make you sleep in rags in the dog basket too!?

What a horrible man - it really will get a thousand times worse if you have a baby with this self-centred, self-involved prick who can't take responsibility for his actions. Please, please find the strength to run whilst you still can. Also stop acting like Cinderella, sweeping up around him whilst he lords it up, a home and kids take a team effort not a master and servant & he is definitely no prince charming.... Flowers

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2019 09:22

What the fuck. Get rid of the horrible cretin. Yes treating you like shit and you're letting him make all the decisions. Why?

Get out and about around your house, don't hide away in your own home and just tell him Yeh its over...

SadSausage44 · 17/02/2019 09:23

Fiveredbricks you hit the nail on the head.
He is so angry that we can't 'just' get pregnant.
He's had a great life and generally had everything he's ever wanted.

TheInvestigator · 17/02/2019 09:23

Take the choice away from him. Leave him, get yourself a happy life because what you have with him isn't happy and isn't going to be.

The choice is no longer his; it's yours. Leave him.

Fourmagpies · 17/02/2019 09:23

Yes he should have helped.

I appreciate how hard it is to walk away from a relationship but you shouldn't need to ask him to help, it should be a given that he would help or at least ask what you'd like him to do. If you stayed together and had a baby, who do you think will be doing everything?! It doesn't sound like he would be helping at all. He's treating you badly and I think he probably does know that he wants out but doesn't have the balls to say it is definitely over.

KM99 · 17/02/2019 09:24

SadSausage44 aside from agreeing with all the advice here, think about this in terms of your more immediate needs. How can you decide what you want when he's treating you this way? He's playing a game here to keep you where he wants you. Pussyfooting around, second guessing your thoughts and actions. You can't take the time you need to think it though with him fucking with your head.

Call his bluff, tell him you completely understand he's feeling this way and that one of you moving out is the right answer for now. He'll either jump at the chance as he's too spineless to take action himself or it will give his head a big enough wobble to patch things up. Either way you need time apart (IMO).

PlasticPatty · 17/02/2019 09:25

He hates me, told me he's done, he went completely mental at me.
Run.
There's another woman in the background or the dream of one
Almost certainly true. Run.

What you've spent on him, the work you've put in - none of that matters. You did what you did in good faith. Turned out your faith was misplaced.

OK, you're 'awake' now. You know he treats you like shit. While he's at work, get yourself organised and if you can leave, do. If it's your house, have someone with you and his bags packed on the doorstep when he gets home.

This is the start of your new, real, life. Yours. How does it feel?

ChesterGreySideboard · 17/02/2019 09:25

Just think about what you want to save?
Is there anything worth saving or do you just not want to be alone.
Also, would leaving him mean losing your chance to have children?
Although I dare to say this on MN having children is not the be all and end all of life. I say this as a child free woman myself.

MrsBertBibby · 17/02/2019 09:26

Oh my word, he is a hideous person. He would be an unspeakably awful father : impatient, mean, selfish : stay with this wanker if you must but please don't inflict this bastard on a child.

Renster · 17/02/2019 09:27

If you think he’s got someone else on the periphery, let them be his baby making machine-not you. If he’s like this now, he’ll be much much worse when you’re pregnant.
I’m reading another thread where the poor lady is in that exact position. DP wanted baby, she got pregnant, now he’s abusive, controlling and she has to leave.
Please don’t get to that point.
Please.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 17/02/2019 09:29

It sounds like you have been conditioned to see this behaviour as normal or it’s the ‘best you’re going to get’. I’m assuming a man has done a number on you previously? Whether that be a useful father/stepfather or an abusive ex.

You really are worth much OP. Don’t like him make the decision over where your life is leading to, take the reigns and make the decision yourself.

FiveRedBricks · 17/02/2019 09:30

@SadSausage44 please leave. As soon as you can. Even if you were to get pregnant tomorrow this is not the man you would want to be the father of your children. If it wasn't for the IVF would you also be staying? If you take it out of the picture he is still a cocklodging arse and is a terrible partner.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2019 09:30

Well the relationship sounds shit. I think you should call it a day, he can have his alone time. Then, if he wants to win you back, he can try, from the safe distance of his own territory. Put the boot (of effort and worry) on the other foot. He feels contempt for you, because you're there, putting everyday effort into muddling along.

The day itself, I can sort of undertand his perspective. You were treating him to dinner on his birthday, therefore you did the cooking. How the house prep crumbles depends on what's normal for you. I can understand him thinking it was a 'treat day' when he could relax. You'd asked him to do one thing, which you then did. So he thought he was off the hook.

Not coming home on time was just odd though. He must have known what time the guests were expected. The nonsense with the SIL is a great example of the burden that mobile phones add to people's lives. Just make an arrangement and stick to it!

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