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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what is a reasonable time for dh to get home?

139 replies

rabster · 05/07/2007 10:21

I think my judgement has been obscured by hormones...

Just asking you lot what you consider to be a reasonable time to get home from work on a daily basis, when there is a 4mo baby at home?

This is a source of contention between me and dh. His hours are 9 - 5.30, yet he seems to work 8.30 - 6 most days. So he sees ds for 30 mins in morning and sometimes at night too. Often he will get home as I am settling ds for bed - if I waited any longer he would be screaming through tiredness. Some days he doesnt see ds at all in the evening.

Now I know he has to work, and that some people do much longer hours, but isnt it reasonable to expect him to work his expected hours and then get home asap? Or am I too hormoinal? I dont need suggestions about letting him work late sometimes / wqork at home etc, just an opinion:

what do you consider a reasonable time to get home on a regular basis?

OP posts:
Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 10:22

Just a bit more detail - I work 2 days a week too. I get to work at 8.30, and leave as early as I possibly can (usually 4.30)so I can see ds.

OP posts:
McDreamy · 05/07/2007 10:24

If I'm honest I think half an hour at each end of the day is not that unreasonable - sorry probably not what you wanted to hear

I used really resent DH going to work when DD was first born and I'm not suggesting for one moment that you feelt he same but it has taken me a long time to get my head to where it is today - now I am much more accepting of his work commitments. I feel sorry for him sometimes as he must feel torn in two trying to keep everyone happy (work and home!)

Have you talked to him about it? Is it workload that's making him late, tiredness? Does he know how you feel?

saadia · 05/07/2007 10:24

My dh also works latish most days, getting in between 7.30 and 8pm. I know that in his line of work this is expected, do you think your dh is trying to avoid being at home. I think for a lot of people the longer hours are part of the job.

FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 10:25

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katelyle · 05/07/2007 10:25

Can't really say without knowing what his job is and what is expected of him at work. There is often a work culture that says "if you don't work late you are not committed and won't get promoted/will be first in line when redundancies come round/won't get any interesting projects. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 10:26

Yeah, we talk about it a lot! I know I have forgotten how important work can be personally for someone.

Just wondering if other dh's are the same seeing their dcs for such a short time.

Is this what I can expect from now on? It's sad imo that we have to live like that!

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 10:27

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LazyLine · 05/07/2007 10:27

I think you need some more information from him. Is he expected to work longer hours by his superiors, is there stuff that he needs to get done otherwise it might affect his job. Or is he just doing it because he fancies it?

I completely understand how you feel, my DH seems to sneak an extra half hour here and there at work but the thing is that this is what is expected at work.

Is it the case that if he doesn't so it, he won't move on in the company, as they will think he is not committed, IYSWIM?

FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 10:28

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LazyLine · 05/07/2007 10:29

It's easy to feel that you come second, but I found it easy to forget that before DS I regularly stayed late at work every single day. Sometimes it just needs to be done in order to make the money.

Wisteria · 05/07/2007 10:30

I ask my dp to be home at least once a week by 6 so he can eat a main meal with us (me and my girls), that becomes half 6 more and more though. When we have the next one (which will also be his first) I will expect a little more give and take as currently he can be gone for over 12 hours, but I don't think he'd take much notice of me if it were only an extra hour.
Can you ask him to compromise; ie start at 8 one morning or two instead so that he can leave at the correct time? There is probably some middle ground.
Tbh - I think you may be being a little hormonal-which you're completely entitled to be incidentally (it's only an extra hour). What is he like at the weekends? A lot of men don't see their little ones at first in the evening but it soon changes when the los start being up a bit more in the evenings.

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 10:31

thanks ico for the nagging advice. that is a very presumptious post.

I never said I get on to him about it. We talk about it a lot, just like we talk about other things.

And, I am not trying to justify myself, I just want to know what time other people would like their dh to get back from work / spend with their dc. I want to know if my hormones are raging telling me my family is most important and forgetting what work is like (though I still work, and do still enjoy it, I still race home at the end of the day), or if others feel like that too.

OP posts:
FioFio · 05/07/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

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oliveoil · 05/07/2007 10:31

dh does 8ish till 4.30ish
I do 9-4

I see my girls for 20 mins in the morning when I am working, 90 mins at night

if you work, you see them less

my friend's husband doesn't see his children at night in the week as he gets home after they have gone to bed

that is life I am afraid

southeastastra · 05/07/2007 10:32

mine is never home before 9.30pm. in all honesty i found it easier when my son was a baby to keep to my own routine without my dp.

you will get used to it, but i know it seems a pain

Mumpbump · 05/07/2007 10:32

Dh's official hours are similar and he does 09:00 to 18:15 most days and longer if necessary. Or he brings work home like last week when he was working until midnight twice. The up side is ds now goes to bed around 20h so dh sees him for about half an hour. I tend to pick ds up from nursery as my work are more understanding and I am better at getting in earlier in order to leave early. At the end of the day, jobs brings in the money which supports dc and so I think you just have to do whatever hours are necessary, provided there is a genuine need and you're not just face-showing...

Mumpbump · 05/07/2007 10:32

BTW, how old is your ds?

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 10:33

Wisteria - that is a good idea, about getting home at 6 one night so you can eat together. Like you say, 6 can easily slip to 6.30, then to 7...

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 10:33

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morningpaper · 05/07/2007 10:34

Perhaps the problem is your expectations? I.e. if you are expecting him back to see DS it is stressful when you aren't sure exactly what you should be doing - i.e. keeping him awake/winding him down.

Can you agree that, say, once a week DH will be home at a certain time (to do DS's bath and bed routine).

DH leaves the house fairly early but gets the children up so he has a 'quality' hour with them before work, while I am usually in bed sleeping off the night shift - then he wakes me up as he leaves.

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 10:34

Ok, so it is normal then.

I still think it's sad though. It would be lovely to be a family more, but like you say, you need to pay the bills...

OP posts:
Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 10:35

morningpaper - that is EXACTLY the problem. If hie isn't home by 6.15, will he be home in time to bath and settle, or should I be winding him down only for him to wake up when dh gets home?!

OP posts:
McDreamy · 05/07/2007 10:35

rabster - I can't seem to find the bit where you have said that you nagg your husband !

I think it's completely normal to feel as you do but I also think it's completely normal for your husband to work the hours that he does. You may only have 1 baby but I certainly found going from 0-1 child the toughest transition.

Keep talking and as someone else has suggested maybe seeing if he could finish on time (or early) one night a week might be a compromise?

YeahBut · 05/07/2007 10:36

My dh gets home when he gets home. He very often does not see the children in the evenings on weekdays. He does see them in the mornings but it's the usual hectic get 'em dressed, get 'em fed, get'em out for school thing so no real "quality time" there.
It doesn't really bother me or the children. I'm sure they would like to see him more often during the week but they accept he has to go to work. They have lots of daddy time at the weekend when I do expect him to be heavily involved.
Put the baby to bed when he needs to go. Having dad-time when he is screaming the place down isn't much fun for your dh or ds. Perhaps you could make a new family tradition whereby your dh takes the baby out on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours for some one on one while you get a break. Dh has always done this. It usually involves a cafe and a sticky bun for the kids but I don't care - they certainly don't!

themoon66 · 05/07/2007 10:36

DH is often up and out of the door by 6am and regularly doesn't get home until 9.30pm. He often catches up on work at the weekends too.

He pays the mortgage and all the bills and earns enough for me to do only part time work, so I'm not complaining.

I did get worked up about it more when I was pregnant and post-natal, so I guess it is a hormonal thing.

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