Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what is a reasonable time for dh to get home?

139 replies

rabster · 05/07/2007 10:21

I think my judgement has been obscured by hormones...

Just asking you lot what you consider to be a reasonable time to get home from work on a daily basis, when there is a 4mo baby at home?

This is a source of contention between me and dh. His hours are 9 - 5.30, yet he seems to work 8.30 - 6 most days. So he sees ds for 30 mins in morning and sometimes at night too. Often he will get home as I am settling ds for bed - if I waited any longer he would be screaming through tiredness. Some days he doesnt see ds at all in the evening.

Now I know he has to work, and that some people do much longer hours, but isnt it reasonable to expect him to work his expected hours and then get home asap? Or am I too hormoinal? I dont need suggestions about letting him work late sometimes / wqork at home etc, just an opinion:

what do you consider a reasonable time to get home on a regular basis?

OP posts:
JodieG1 · 05/07/2007 11:27

muppet actually I agree, no more from me on that subject. Anyway I'm happily bf ds2 and having a nice cup of decaff tea ahhh, lovely

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 11:29

you are right bozza.

I often ring him at 5.15 to see what time he will be home, but often feel like I am nagging (there you go icod - some nagging!). I feel like all his work mates are thinking - there she is again!

I guess I will have to continue though, and sod what his workmates thinks. they are all sad, single nerds anyway

OP posts:
meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 11:30

I would agree with the letting you know. If my dh isn't working away he puts the children to bed. If he can't be back by 7pm, he phones and lets me know, with an ETA so we can decide whether the children can stay up a bit later or whether I should put them to bed.

bozza · 05/07/2007 11:31

Well maybe to start with keep the call fairly brief and to the point. Or maybe even a text? When my DH is working away I expect him to speak to the children in the evening. The don't always want to speak to him, mind you.

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 11:32

I should ad that he only phones if he is going to be back after the children's bedtime. I don't expect an exact ETA every evening.

Kaloo20 · 05/07/2007 11:33

My opinion, just as you asked for
You are hormonal.
Men don't 'do' babies.
30 minutes either end of the day is not a big deal.
Work is a retreat when you have young babies.
Work culture is not to leave on the dot each day, particularly if you enjoy your job/want to get on in the company/are focussed on work.
Have you thought that maybe DH is aware of the responsibility on him as sole income earner and is simply being diligent about his families future.
Only people in dead end or people not interested in their jobs are clock watchers - and frankly that's sad when you spend so much of your life at work.

As time goes on and childcare crisis occur, you would expect dh's work to be understanding of the a few early finishes/time off etc - trust me it will happen.
Just Relax, you only feel like this because you have a young baby - we've all been there!

hatrick · 05/07/2007 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

krang · 05/07/2007 11:41

i work from home. DH doesn't. We all get up at 7. My DH leaves the house around 8.30, usually takes DS to childminders. I pick DS up, give him supper and bath and put him to bed by 7pm. DS usually gets home around 7.15pm, then we have a nice evening just the two of us. Usually DH has to work late ie home by 9ish around two or three nights a week.

We made the decision to have DS bedtime at 7pm because it suits DS, not DH. There will be plenty of time for him and DH to spend in the evening when he's old enough for a later bedtime. In the meantime, he sees DS every morning and spends all his weekends with him. We eat together on weekends. DS is 16 months now and doesn't seem to have any probs bonding with his dad. They adore each other. It works very well for us.

speedymama · 05/07/2007 11:43

Xenia 8.30 - 6 is almost part time hours for a lot of people.

I'm ROFLMHO. That has made my day.

To OP, just chill out and enjoy the time on your own when baby has gone to bed.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 11:47

just a couple of points from kaloo's post. Very committed dads are clock watchers, doesn't make them all in dead end jobs! Some do not think of work as a retreat from their families but look forward to getting home to them and fulfilling their responsibilities as parents, which are not solely financial. My DH would not shirk from saying that work is a REST, being home is harder, but that does not mean that he would shirk being at home as soon as he can!

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 11:54

So, I guess it is just normal for dh's not to see their dc's much before / after work.
And I AM being hormonal (thanks Kaloo - I did wonder!). I guess ideally he could stay at home while I work full time, as I do great hours and get fantastic holidays AND a decent wage [smug] but dh gets paid much better, and has no part time option, and jobs like his are scarce.
so I will deal with it better!
thanks guys!
and I presume xenia is slacking off on the net while she should be working hard at her 5am - 10pm job?

OP posts:
NoodleStroodle · 05/07/2007 11:56

DH leaves at 6am and gets back 8pm earliest. This week he is out 3 nights - business/entertaining, last week 2 and next week 3 again and this has always been the way. He is never at plays, sportsdays, picking up from school. The plus is he rarely rarely workes weekends. But I am not complaining - I married into this with my eyes wide open and new the demands of his business and I get to be a SAHM and chat on MN!

So in reply to OP - I remember it was very hard when I had just settled DC with lights off and then DH returned and everyone was jumping about but it is a phase and as bedtimes change so does the amount they see their father. Before you know it DS will be going to bed after you both!

LazyLine · 05/07/2007 12:00

Maybe you could get him to call you when he is getting ready to leave. Most of the time I don't mind DH being late, as long as I actually know when he is going to be home. Waiting for him to come through the door is a nightmare! You feel totally in the dark.

You need to set your own routine. Maybe he could start earlier sometimes so he could be home earlier? We rearranged DH's hours so he started an hour earlier and finished the same. I didn't really need the childcare help in the morning but at the end of a long day it can be a blessing to have him home earlier.

mumzarello · 05/07/2007 12:00

DH leaves the house at 6:30am He gets home at 7:30-8pm. I also worried that he didn't see DD (9 months) Since she has had a routine however she sleeps 9:30pm - 9:30am. DH does bedtime routine as he is keen to spend time with her. This may not be for you & we will have to bring bed time forward a little as she gets a bit older but just want to say - Babies do not have to go to bed at 7pm if it does not suit you, try to change it!!

mozhe · 05/07/2007 12:03

I often avoid bedtimes.......

Kewcumber · 05/07/2007 12:05

I try to as well Mozhe but DS can't reach the bath taps on his own.

mozhe · 05/07/2007 12:08

You need to get training him Kewcumber...

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 12:12

I also avoid bedtime.Which is why I expect dh to be home in time

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 12:14

mumzarello - tried changing his bedtime, and it was awful! He is in such a good routine, all of his own doing, but changing it would be a nightmare [shudders at the very thought!]

OP posts:
Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 12:14

mumzarello - tried changing his bedtime, and it was awful! He is in such a good routine, all of his own doing, but changing it would be a nightmare [shudders at the very thought!]

OP posts:
lizziemun · 05/07/2007 12:32

DH hours are 9am to 5.30pm

He finally get up about 8am after 15mins of me & dd shouting at him to get up he leaves about 8.15am only seeing dd (3.6yrs) for a couple of minutes.

I do the bed time routine eg dinner, bath and ready for bed on a good day he will be home before 6pm so he will get her out of the bath and ready for bed. If not dd will be sitting on the stair with her book waiting for hilm to come home, he read her her story then she goes to bed somewhere between 7 - 7.30pm.

Although just because he is at home he is still on call and may have to some work from home.

We do make sure that he will spend as much time with her at the weekend as possible.

mumzarello · 05/07/2007 12:33

Rabster - believe me I know it is difficult. Can be worth trying to change in tiny increments 10 or even 5 mins per day.

Could you talk to DH - maybe if he feels he does need to do the hours he is putting in he could start earlier - so work 8 -5:30?

Does he seem to miss seeing DS - if so you could work on something together - if he feels he has enough time with him then you may be fighting a losing battle to get him to change - just give him DS responsability at the weekend!!

lizziemun · 05/07/2007 12:43

I should have added DH will always go in and see dd if he gets home after she has gone to bed if he is home late.

I think most men don't do babies, dh was good when dd was a baby, but he loads better now dd is older.

I understand how you feel my dad used to go to work before i was up in the morning and came home after i was put to bed, i don't think have any memories of him before i was 5yrs. I also don't think affected our relationship.

newgirl · 05/07/2007 12:49

i think that is too late and it sounds like you dont like it either

life has changed and your dh life might need to change too - maybe he needs a different job or to renegotiate his hours?

i got so knackered doing all childcare myself that i was losing the plot - dh realy thought i would leave so changed things rapidly - one day a week working at home, working normal hours - more holiday. It was not easy for him to ask but they were fine about it - people just dont ask! he was quite prepared to leave so they agreed. He is a consultant in the city so quite high flying so i think anything is possible

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 12:49

I think sometimes it is harder to renogociate things if you are less high flying TBH...

Swipe left for the next trending thread