Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

what is a reasonable time for dh to get home?

139 replies

rabster · 05/07/2007 10:21

I think my judgement has been obscured by hormones...

Just asking you lot what you consider to be a reasonable time to get home from work on a daily basis, when there is a 4mo baby at home?

This is a source of contention between me and dh. His hours are 9 - 5.30, yet he seems to work 8.30 - 6 most days. So he sees ds for 30 mins in morning and sometimes at night too. Often he will get home as I am settling ds for bed - if I waited any longer he would be screaming through tiredness. Some days he doesnt see ds at all in the evening.

Now I know he has to work, and that some people do much longer hours, but isnt it reasonable to expect him to work his expected hours and then get home asap? Or am I too hormoinal? I dont need suggestions about letting him work late sometimes / wqork at home etc, just an opinion:

what do you consider a reasonable time to get home on a regular basis?

OP posts:

FioFio · 05/07/2007 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wisteria · 05/07/2007 10:36

Yes rabster, but it is because he needs to do those hours for his job to be done properly, in our case we'd be virtually penniless and homeless otherwise, so I don't mind! Mine even works a lot of weekends which can be a real pain but I know he's only doing it for us - he would rather be at home I know!
It's only the beginning and things will feel better once you get used to it.
Does he spend quality time with you at the weekends?

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 10:36

TBH, i don't think you can do this. My dh finishes when he finishes. He worked away on a weekly basis from home when our ds was 4mo, and hated that so changed his job, but now he still works quite late at times, and is abroad a a couple of times a month. Many jobs are like this. Perhaps they shouldn't be, but he can't change that by himself.

Unless you think he is staying at work later than he needs to to avoid coming home. Which is a whole different issue.

morningpaper · 05/07/2007 10:39

You need to sit down and explain this to DH. It is REALLY hard for him to understand, when he isn't responsible for that part of the day. I have dinner on the table and a clean house by 6pm EXACTLY. If he is late by 15 minutes then I am a wreck - we haven't started eating, the children are starving and whiny, the dinner if overcooked and cold, and I have finished my gin and tonic. DH doesn't really see that this is my idea of a CRISIS! Although he does text me detailed timings so I am fore-warned! Those end-of-day parts are REALLY hard to manage by yourself, and timing is crucial when baby/children are tired. Ten minutes of a crabby baby is hell.

Try to explain this to him and tie him down to CERTAIN DAY/S that he will DEFINITELY be home by x. time. The rest of the time, just take things slowly, maybe bring the bedtime routine early a bit (earlier dinner) so that you aren't rushing and you can have a quiet slow down period before bedtime.

cornsilk · 05/07/2007 10:39

Same hours as my dh. I often envy other mums whose dh's get home earlier and can help with kids - worst time of the day! But I'm glad he has a job and am lucky that he doesn't have to work away. C'est la vie!

heifer · 05/07/2007 10:39

I agree it is sad, but alas it's the way..

Gone are the days of the father being home at 5.30 on the dot (like my dad was)...

I am sure my DH would love to have lived like my dad did...

He would come home at lunch time (as we all did) for our main meal, then home at 5.30 on the dot for our tea..

Then he washed up, and went and read his book/paper...

Mum did the rest.... including looking afer/playing with us.

No, on second thoughts, think my DH would prefer it his way as even though he is home later (6.45) he still puts DD (3.6) to bed every night and is far more involved in her life..

So its quality for quantity that is important...

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 10:40

I would also say that if you only have a 4 month old, he may not see it as 'family time' yet. My dh got much more involved with the children as they got older. He loved them as babies, and didn't like being away all the time, but now they are older, he is much more engaged, and looks to spend time with them, rather than just doing it because he knows it's what he should do.

Mumpbump · 05/07/2007 10:42

Thanks, cod!

If he is only 4 months, I think you'll probably find his bedtime moves back as he gets older anyway and your dh will be home in time to see him more and help with bathing/bedtime.

If it's any consolation, I know my dh hated only seeing ds for half an hour in the morning when he was going to bed at 18:30. I am sure your dh would like to see more of your ds, although admittedly, they are still hard work at that age so I suppose he might be seeking refuge at the office! Only joking!!

Original poster

rabster · 05/07/2007 10:43

morningpaper - you sound like me! except I don't like gin ;)

If you are set to start settling at 6.15 and he isn't home, it throws everything out! Just knowing when he is on his way would make like easier..

OP posts:

MoreSpamThanGlam · 05/07/2007 10:43

My dh drove me mental to have a 3rd baby, who is now almost 9 months old.

He has just got a new job in the city and leaves here at 7.30am and returns at 8pm. He has had 2 nights out in less than 2 weeks because it was expected and next week they are going to a team building thing for 2 weeks and staying in a five star hotel.

I am very fecking resentful as I am doing all the parenting, plus cleaning up after him to. Its like being a single parent.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:44

rabster, I think 8.30 - 6 is probably pretty standard actually. I agree, it is a shame and there are an awful lot of dads out there who don't see alot of their kids during the week.

Your child is very young, it won't always feel so bad; when you have a school age child they may well have a bit longer together in the evening.

I'd use the weekends - make sure that your dh has some time with sole charge of ds. I think that's really, really important. He needs to have that sole charge to get fully involved IMO. some men see themselves as helpers, or babysitters, otherwise - not full and equal parents. I recommend sending them swimming - good quality bloke time

ThomCat · 05/07/2007 10:45

To be perfectly honest I think that at 4 months old he doens't really feel he's missing out on that much at the end of his working day. Perhaps when he's older (the baby that is!) and having a story read to him then dad can get home a couple of times a week to read to him and in an ideal world he'd be there every night to come and help tuck him in and kiss him goodnight.

Ot's not as if your DH is going from work to the pub every night. And perhaps he is trying harder at work in order to feel like the provider for his family, perhaps he finds that is in his head as he knows maybe that he's not so hands on witht he nappy changing? perhaps that's in the back of his mind? Or perhaps he's just extra busy right now and anrts to finish off at work so his head is clear of work stuff when he come shome to you?

My DP walks in as I shut the girls doors after putting them to bed every night. It's just the way it is.

GrowlingTiger · 05/07/2007 10:47

Rabster - what hours did he do before you had the baby? Was working until 6 standard then, or has it only just started.

If it was the norm before then can't see why it would be different now. If dh is only now working later then I'd probably talk about it a bit more.

We live in commuter land and very few fathers are home before 7, unless they work from home. The plus side is that they don't usually work on the weekends so we make the most of them.

LucyJones · 05/07/2007 10:47

It is a very hard situation though.
My dh had real trouble bonding with my our kids so I insisted he did bedtime.
Luckily he was home earlier enough to do it.
If he hadn't I'm not sure he would have bonded with them as well as he has done.
Sorry that's not a very helpful post... just trying to balance all the other posts saying at 4 months it doesn't matter if they don't put them to bed. This is just my poit of view though obviously.

FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 10:48

Message withdrawn

bozza · 05/07/2007 10:50

My DH is usually home by about 6, sometimes earlier. He usually goes out about 8 ish. I work 3 days, and on the days I work I leave the house at 7.20, which means DH has to give the children their breakfast and clean their teeth and take them to nursery/childminder. But it also means that I can finish at 4.30 and get both children collected and home by 5.30 and have the tea on the table for us all by 6.

It sounds like part of your problem is that your DH's hours are badly clashing with your DS's.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:52

I agree with Lucy, if he's home in time, you hand over the baby and let them muddle through bedtime together.

Take yourself downstairs and crack open the wine.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:52

er, if you can that is - obv if BFing the baby to sleep then he would be a clever dad if he was able to take over

bozza · 05/07/2007 10:52

Oh forgot to mention sometimes DH is away overnight which throws all the routine to pot, because I have to wait for nursery/CM to open which means I get to work later, which means I have to finish later etc.

And cod bear in mind that the OP is not a SAHM.

Original poster

rabster · 05/07/2007 10:59

lol icod - that's one way of looking at it!

bozza - you are right, their hours do clash. I tried chaning ds's but that was a nightmare! I guess as he gets older, he will go to bed later..

OP posts:

ebenezer · 05/07/2007 11:01

8.30 to 6 sounds very reasonable to me. Particularly as you work only two days a week. I know a lot of couples who both work these hours full time. It doesn't sound as if your husband is deliberately trying to avoid his share of responsibility - if he was trying to get out of looking after your dc, he'd be staying out a lot later than 6!

JodieG1 · 05/07/2007 11:06

My dh finishes work at 5.30 most days and is home at 6. He could work in London and commute like he used to but he'd rather see the children. Just our choice as we both think time is more important than money to a certain extent. We can pay the bills and live a happy life and that's enough for now while the children are small. When I go back to work (when they're older) we'll have more money and we have plans for investmens and paying the mortgage off within a few years so we're happy this way for now.

oliveoil · 05/07/2007 11:08

when I work (3 days), girls eat at 5ish, we eat at 7ish when they are in bed

when I am off, we all eat together at 5ish

if dh is late, his is cold , he is not bothered, children stop whining and it takes the pressure off with you clock watching and getting annoyed

rabster - when mine were small, they were in bed for 6.30pm or so, very tired so I would just go with it for now, when baby is older you can move bedtime later

bozza · 05/07/2007 11:11

What time is he getting up? Could your DH go to work later and stay later but have the time together in the morning?

Actually both of mine went to bed nearer 8 at that age. But now at 6 and 3, DD is always in bed, lights out at 7.30, and DS usually is but we might spend a bit longer reading.

Judy1234 · 05/07/2007 11:14

The contention comes because you don't work. The solution is to return to work so you and he alternately have to be home by a certain time. All the resentments will fade away too. A win win solution.

8.30 - 6 is almost part time hours for a lot of people. You're very lucky unless I suppose he earns a pittance.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread