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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what is a reasonable time for dh to get home?

139 replies

rabster · 05/07/2007 10:21

I think my judgement has been obscured by hormones...

Just asking you lot what you consider to be a reasonable time to get home from work on a daily basis, when there is a 4mo baby at home?

This is a source of contention between me and dh. His hours are 9 - 5.30, yet he seems to work 8.30 - 6 most days. So he sees ds for 30 mins in morning and sometimes at night too. Often he will get home as I am settling ds for bed - if I waited any longer he would be screaming through tiredness. Some days he doesnt see ds at all in the evening.

Now I know he has to work, and that some people do much longer hours, but isnt it reasonable to expect him to work his expected hours and then get home asap? Or am I too hormoinal? I dont need suggestions about letting him work late sometimes / wqork at home etc, just an opinion:

what do you consider a reasonable time to get home on a regular basis?

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 11:14

Message withdrawn

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 11:15

Read the second post Xenia.

It really is a conditioned reflex with you isn't it!

muppetgirl · 05/07/2007 11:15

I have to agree with the poster who said it's like being a single parent...
My dh leaves at 6.30am and doesn@t get back until 7.30-8pm. Ds goes to bed at 7pm.

I am pg atm and can't see when the baby's born how I can ask him to do the night feed at all in the weeks as he works such long hours and those bill really do need to be paid!

We comprimised

  1. He phones just before bedtime so ds and he can 'chat about their day' this was difficult at first but now they are like old women gossiping (I know this isn't for you atm but re the future)
  2. I email him during the day to make sure I can envolve him in important decisions.
  3. Saturday morning is ds/daddy time when they plan together what they are going to do -ds is 3. I have a rest/clean house (same thing isn't it?)
  4. We eat together as a family for everymeal at the weekend.

Sorry to go off topic for a bit but just wanted to show you there can be comprimise.

oliveoil · 05/07/2007 11:15

part time hours and pittance?

rofl

will inform dh he is a pauper then, oh dear, poor man

flowerybeanbag · 05/07/2007 11:17

Sounds pretty good to me I'm afraid!

My dh has to leave by 7am, and if he makes it home by 7.30 at night, that counts as 'early'.

For the job he does, I know that is more than reasonable. My mum however thinks it's outrageous - her expectations of my dad when we were younger were v different!

The important thing is I know dh gets home as soon as he can. My ds is 8 weeks - sometimes dh is here for bath and bed, sometimes not. It's frustrating and I know he hates missing out, but that's the way it is.

I will put my hand up to getting a bit hormonal sometimes when he is late though...

bozza · 05/07/2007 11:18

xenia she does work.

katelyle · 05/07/2007 11:18

One of the many reasons we co-slept with dd was thatr at the time dp was working ridiculously long hours and was very rarely home before 8.30 in the evening. Sharing a bed meant that they had cuddles and got to know each other even if he wasn't around much in her awake time sduring the week. We also made sure that he had some time alone with her every weekend (well, that's why I said that I wasn't going to come swimming with them!) and they have a really close bond. I think, actually, that unpredictable daddy-home times are worse. If you know he isn't going to be home or if you know he is you can plan accordingly, but if you don't know..

JodieG1 · 05/07/2007 11:18

What a surprise. Xenia do you ever think some women are happy to stay at home and actually raise their own children? I do and I'm not returning to work until they're all at school because I want to and because we can afford it. Best thing for us as I said before, time is more important than money. Can't buy time back with your kids but you can always make money. Maybe there is another solution other than what you think but I dout you ever consider that. Actually I wonder if you even mean what you say as you never take into account what is writen. It takes more to think of new things to say than it does to repeat things over and over in response to everything.

oliveoil · 05/07/2007 11:19

oh don't post here bozza, we are all clearly deluded and potless

get yourself a proper job from 7am-9pm, it's a win win all round

Original poster
rabster · 05/07/2007 11:19

I dont think the contention is cos I dont work xenia.

I love only working 2 days - best of both worlds. I would hate to work more - I was very surprised at how much I liked being a sahm for 4 months.

I think its not knowing if he will b e home to put ds down or not, and the resulting chaos if I keep ds up or he wakes up cos daddy has returned home as he is getting off to sleep.... and he is rubbish at calling me to let me know when he will be back..

OP posts:
ipanemagirl · 05/07/2007 11:20

Dh has always got home between 6 and 7.30 and always puts ds to bed and baths him if it's bath night and reads him a story. Ds goes to bed and has always gone to bed later than his peers but we just think the most important thing is that he sees his dad as much as possible.

Last night dh got back at 10 p.m. so if it's late I put ds to bed. But it was the same when he was tiny, we were a bit flexible with bedtime. But I know lots of people are much stricter which I'm sure has loads of advantages.

paulaplumpbottom · 05/07/2007 11:21

It is hard isn't it? Those hours are great comapred to some. Can he bring some of his work home with him? Try to understand he is just trying to provide, as long as he isn't out drinking or anything.

katelyle · 05/07/2007 11:21

So the solution to a child not seeing enough of one parent is to make sure she doesn't see enough of either parent! I'm losing the will to live!

JodieG1 · 05/07/2007 11:21

Why do people work? To make money to live so why would people want to stay at work and never see their kids if they didn't have to? This to Xenia btw saying 8-6 is part time. Maybe for people who don't care about their children it is but for others they'd rather see their children. You can't buy your children's love and affection and future happiness with money.

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/07/2007 11:21

Jodie. You are also repeating the same things. This is not a thread about SAHM/WOHM.

Despite the presence of Xenia.

Kewcumber · 05/07/2007 11:23

ummm, without wanting to be contentious (because you probably have a legitimate gripe) it isn't like bing a single parent.

Being a single parent means:

once the DC's are in bed, never being a able to leave the house (no DH even late so you can pop out and get a chocolate fix)
Always getting up at 6.30 with the DC's (if they're young)
No-one to get you a cup of coffee or make you something to eat if you have your hands full with a sick DC
Full responsibility for the financial security of the family on your own.

Not complaining, was my choice but DH's that work long hours are not comparable with no DH - they are completely different scenario's.

DH's who work away from home for long periods (I mean months) like forces are comparable IMHO.

Piffle · 05/07/2007 11:23

my dp currently leaves at 8.30 and is home by 6 most nights
but eh is starting new job with a 2 hr each way commute
so will be 6am -7pm at best.
I have 13 yr old ds1 4 yo dd and 15 wks old ds2

ds1 helps out a lot though
Hey you just manage.

JodieG1 · 05/07/2007 11:24

I'm saying the same things to her yes as it might actually get through to her then. I never said it was about working/not working but I'm sick and tired of reading the same thing all the time in reponse to every problem. Tired? Get a job. Fed up? Get a job. Bored? Get a job. Don't see children enough? Get a job. Etc etc.

Judy1234 · 05/07/2007 11:24

Plenty of men and women delay getting home to avoid the worst of bed time. You need to get a listening in device into offices - it's amazing what people (often men) say their wives never hear. Bed time isn't always fun and easy and to get home knowing the children will be in bed and the house is tidy and warm is a huge plus for staying late and also for ensuring you mess around in the day and start getting down to stuff at 5pm.

Despite that most men and women do want to be there at most bed times and hopefully those in the category above are not a majority.

Piffle · 05/07/2007 11:24

I'd like Xenia to define pittance too please

FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 11:24

Message withdrawn

muppetgirl · 05/07/2007 11:25

....and xenia is chuckling away to herself!

'Got them all arguing about what I say again, clever me.'

Let's stick to the original question just to really annoy her.

FluffyMummy123 · 05/07/2007 11:26

Message withdrawn

bozza · 05/07/2007 11:26

Right well the initial thing you need to work on is getting your DH to start letting you know how is day is going and what time to expect him. I really do not think that is too much to ask. He could ring you about 5ish and let you know how it is going. And as DS gets older maybe speak to him for a couple of minutes. Then your expectations for the evening would be set.

I certainly expect DH to let me know approximately what time he will be home.

paulaplumpbottom · 05/07/2007 11:27

Come on Xenia the baby is 4 months old. Her dh is probably just woring hard and doing the best he can