To ask what your 'secret' thoughts...

[Smotheroffive]

....are? I have been watching Pure. It's got me thinking. For any not aware, its pure O, as in ocd, but without necessarily enacting compulsions (like repeatedly washing hands, opening/closing doors, routinely associated with OCD)
So, people have all sorts of fantasies they wouldn't want to act out IRL.
Also, think things that they wouldn't actually do, or want to see, like in Pure, seeing intrusive images of people naked, or erotically engaged.

Would IBU to ask yours?

@Janethevirgo am sorry you have these thoughts and feelings x

It's probably been said already but intrusive thoughts are the ones you have no control over, they come from 'nowhere' and can be really, genuinely distressing ie 'why am I thinking this'. Different to flights of fantasy however odd! I live with intrusive thoughts and recognise now the pattern that they flare up at times of stress/pressure; the content varies but underlying it all is the theme of worst fears coming true. CBT and mindfulness techniques manage them. The irony is you have to face intrusive thoughts to diffuse them, sounds bonkers but you mentally have to put out the welcome mat 'oh hello thought about xxx it's you again, oh your doing that again, fair enough' etc etc and they then subside in their own time. The worst thing you can do is use logic/fight them e.g 'that could never happen because xxx' because in doing that you sort of fuel them, and that continuously seeking reassurance about the thoughts becomes the C or the compulsion. Intrusive thoughts are really common and there are some useful books available such as DARE which contain some great techniques. Also Anxiety UK is a fantastic charity.

This one is crazy and I wouldn't even say that I fancy him (but obviously I do on some level) but when I first met my BIL and we used to go to his house I used to get the urge to masterbate on his bathroom floor! Not that it was the floor per se, but it was the only private place where I could shut the door!

I'm fucked up, I really am.

Having passionate sex with a certain someone I am intensely sexually attracted to. Also thoughts about having a whirlwind romantic relationship with them, as I am also rather attracted emotionally. It would never come to fruitition though, we are at completely different places in our lives.

Sigh.

That scene in Wanted where James McAvoy smashes the keyboard over his colleagues head - I get a feeling of sweet release when he does that. I fantasise that if anything goes down at work, that would be my go to weapon of choice.

On my route to and from work I drive down a very steep hill that has a steep drop off, like a cross between a quarry and a mountain.

Almost every day I think about driving off the edge, I'd never do it, but it's always in the back of my mind.

Susiesoop thanks for your post, yes, it was the reason for my thread to open up to the scarey hidden stuff that we can't normally say out loud, so it holds no more fear and stops controlling one.

I also remember someone saying on another thread that she hated her boss so much if she walking in his office when he was having a heart attack, she would quietly leave and close the fire. This is another go to of mine. Still have it years later although I've left that department.

Fire = door

These are normal thoughts. I used to have severe pure O OCD, it took me ten years to get to grip with it but thank God I did. One day I realised it was really ok to imagine any thought, feeling or sensation and imagining it doesn't mean it's true or what I want. I seriously think I've had every thought going, what if I harm someone, what if I've accidentally killed someone, what if I am secretly gay (not that I'm homophobic, it was more about losing my DH). The list is endless as you can imagine I did a lot of thinking over those ten years! These days I can more or less think anything and let it go, back then every thought was intrusive and obsessive. Utterly debilitating to the point I couldn't eat or sleep at times. It took some reframing of my thoughts any plenty of practice but I managed to over come it. Yes I still have intrusive thoughts, but these days I don't care or spend a second punishing myself.

them e.g 'that could never happen because xxx' because in doing that you sort of fuel them, and that continuously seeking reassurance about the thoughts becomes the C or the compulsion.

Thanks for this. This is so true.

My deepest sympathies to the people on here who suffer so much that their life is affected daily.
On the other hand I’m relieved that people ( who don’t have mental health problems) have the courage to admit what they think. It’s made me laugh with relief because everybody gets it and nobody talks about it.
When my kids were babies used to think I would throw them out of the window. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to drink bleach. Weird. I’ve asked my husband and he gets these too. A counselor once gave me a visual of a circle with a bouncing ball in it. If the ball has no exit point, the balls gathers momentum and becomes fast and furious, if it allowed to pass through, it’s gone. She said to imagine thoughts like this and since then I do.
We humans really are all quite similar, we need to stick together.

Mummadeeze that’s hilarious, sorry. I think the same because I used to be more attractive and got attention and now I’m 45 and in my head I’m still there. ( until I look in the mirror)

Every time I post something through someone’s letterbox I worry I have posted my car keys too. I don’t know where this comes from.

Can't stand over drains! Keys go through grill, been there done that!! Literally grip my keys so tightly, one day they will go down there!

halfwitpicker, you're not fucked up, so please don't say that. I slept with my exes brother when I was in a mixed state (I am Bipolar) and I absolutely regret it. Now that is fucked up. I don't think either of them will ever forgive me and I will never forgive myself. It is one of the worst things I've ever done.

So, please please don't beat yourself up. What you thought/or think is absolutely nothing to some of the shit that I've pulled in the past.

You're okay. I promise. You can beat this.

Fight

Blimey oh dear. Please no!

Not fucked up.
American please don't beat yourself up over this, you need to forgive yourself and move on; I mean what about the actual brother!!!??? He's an ex to you, but his DBro did that to him, actually.

witpicker you controlled your urges, we can't chose who our bodies and minds respond to always. Its out of our control please don't blame yourself for that!

Who is either of them? The DBro's? You don't need their forgiveness, he has to forgive his dbro though! Wow!

I have TS so lots of the little things people have mentioned I actually do before the thought can even cross my mind.. the PP who said she has the urge to peck people on the cheek - it is one of my tics. It's awful in certain situations but I have a medical ID card. But in terms of intrusive thoughts I also have a lot of them and recently I think about my own funeral a lot, and then i end up panicking because I don't want to have a funeral and I cringe about people talking at my funeral, very odd feeling!!

Oh Lofty is it something you get used to, ever? I have wondered before whether ts sufferers that swear loudly spend their lives swinging between swearing loudly and being mortified, I think I wouldn't want to go out.

Smotheroffive, thank you for that, really. However, both of them were like family to me (not that I would sleep with family, but I mean, that we were close) I absolutely worshiped my ex. And, his brother was younger than both of us (although an adult) and I just feel like I fucked him up or something, I don't know. My therapist told me that she feels that I'm afraid to make friends or have relationships with people because I have an extreme fear of hurting them which stems from something that happened when I was 4. This could be true, I don't know, but I do feel that I am a curse to anyone who has ever met me. The Bipolar shit and other MH shit has really fucked up my decision making and I need to own up to it. My MH shouldn't be an excuse for being an asshole.

Either refers to both of them. As I loved both of them dearly. If I were to be completely honest with myself though, although I was attracted to his brother, I really slept with him because that was the closest I could get at the time to my ex. I know it sounds really weird and shitty, but that's the truth.

It doesn't sound weird and shitty. Sounds like you were hurting very badly, what I'm shocked about is that the elder would ever forgive the younger for doi g that, think about it from the ex's pov, his dbro slept with his ex.

I think it's time to lay that ghost to rest! You have to forgive yourself. x

Smotheroffive, Thank you. And, yes, I was. I actually dropped out of university because of that. In regards to my ex forgiving his brother, I think he did because I don't think my ex was ever truly in love with me. I think he thought he might have been at one time, maybe in the beginning. But, I don't think he ever really loved me at all. Or I don't think he was ever in love with me. Which hurts a lot. It is not his fault though, as you cannot control who you fall in love with. Sometimes, I feel like I tricked him into liking me. I can't explain it.
I do not yearn for him now, not romantically. I have not had those thoughts in many years. But, I yearn for his friendship. His advise and consul. His humour and intelligence. He was a great best friend.

But, it is what it is. I do not know if I will ever forgive myself. Sometimes I feel like I hurt everyone I have ever touched. My mother never breast fed me because my witch of a grandmother told her that her evil will be passed down to her children through her breastmilk. Unfortunately, my mother did not break the chain and she treated me like I was evil too. That's why I don't have kids, but that's another story.

It's really not worth all this though, especially if he wasn't even really in love with you. You have taken too much on yourself and slipped their part in this!

It's forgiveable, forgive yourself.

Smotheroffive, what do you mean by "slipped their part in this'? They didn't do anything wrong. I did

I don't know if I can. I guess I will try. I don't normally forgive myself for much though. It's just the way I am.

You are so sweet to talk to me though. I really appreciate you not passing judgment on me. I really do.

But, I have a hard time letting things go. I think I cannot even seem to forgive myself for existing, really. Which is weird because I have a huge desire to survive. I just punish myself over and over. I truly don't know how to stop. I'm a fixer and I just don't know how to fix this one. I just don't know how to do it. I'm sorry to disappoint you, though. I really am. I'm just fucked up. It is what it is.