To object to this form of address in the 21st century?

[clary]

We got a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs J Johnson. *

My name is not Jacinda nor Jennifer. My initial is in fact not J. My husband's name however is Jeremy.

Have I, having done something so bourgeois as get married, now lost the right to my first initial?

Our bank manages Mr J Johnson and Mrs C Johnson. Or I would also be fine with a simple Mr and Mrs Johnson. We are the only Mr and Mrs Johnson at this address.

I'm not going to complain to the school. But am I reasonable to be slightly seething?

*All names changed.

I wasn't wedded to, erm, my FATHER'S name.

So women never own their names? Only ever borrowed?

Oh FFS. That hasn't been legal since about 80s.As is obviously not OK.

1991. But the point is, that's a tradition. You clearly don't like all of them, so you think it's ok to pick and choose. That means you can't be asking people why get married if they don't like the traditions behind marriage. Men raping their wives with impunity is much, much older than surname taking!

One was because I wanted us all to gave the same surname - it's quite handy - and I wasn't wedded to, erm, my FATHER'S name.

If you think your name was your father's, presumably you think the one you have now is your father in law's? I don't care what you call yourself fwiw, but let's have consistency.

Of course the OP made a choice, but it would be daft to claim it was an entirely free choice that had no patriarchal back drop to it. Otherwise we’d hear of lots of men making the choice to take on their wives names.

Oh I agree Dongdingdong, I wasn't saying she had to, I was responding to the post where the poster had no sympathy for the OP as she'd changes her surname, therefore should just put up with being refered to as her husband's first name too.

Yes, it's my Fil's name, and also my husbands name. That's one reason for choosing it. The other reasons are personal and none of your (collective) busines. I still don't see why going from Simson to Johnson means I also have to go from Cassandra to Jeremy.

The only way IMO for women to have a non patronymic is to go for first name only like Rose Marie in Very Peculiar Practice or come up with an entirely new name, which is what my mad sister in law did. That's not why she's mad btw.

Yes, it's my Fil's name, and also my husbands name.

So men do own their names.

I’ve had the same name for 42 years. Is it mine yet? Or does being female somehow mean I’ll never own it?

Boobli, I am sure your name is your name. My name is also my name. It used to be Cassandra Simpson, now it's Cassandra Johnson. it's not Jeremy. That's my poimnt, I am not sure why some people are attacking me for changing my surname tbh. I don't have a problem with Mrs Johnson, that's my name. (sigh)

Yes, it's my Fil's name, and also my husbands name.

It's interesting that you had previously only referred to it as your husband's though. Especially read alongside the fact that you referred to your own original name as your father's.

I quite agree that changing your surname doesn't mean you changed your first name, indeed there's nothing there to disagree on because it's just a fact, but worth thinking about why you've chosen the terminology that you have.

I am dr s banana so i wouldn’t respond to anything that said mrs oh. surname as the title, initial and surname would all be totally wrong! I can deal with mrs ohsurname when needs be but shouldn’t be that hard to refer to me by the name I’ve always had?!

My pet peeve is that fathers details are the ones I have to fill in first for nursery documents when I’m the one who does the majority of drop offs, pick ups and communications just like 9/10 other mothers out there.

I’d complain. It’s everyday sexism and there is no excuse these days to only include the woman (as the primary caregiver in all likelihood) as part of the man’s identity especially because these people are supposed to teaching kids equality.

I referenced my fil because someone else did and I had to tree it was his name. Not a major factor in my choosing it tho.

Do you know what, I'm a bit fed up that some people are apparently attacking me for not keeping my surname and thus it seems absolving all right to my first name.

agree not tree, stupid iPad

You mentioned it being your FILs name only after I did. Prior to that you'd referred to it as your husband's only, and yet called your own your father's. I for one have been clear that your OP is NBU, but the language in the recent posts does betray a bit of a double standard.

I would complain. That letter is not addressed to you.

People arent diagreeing with your OP, i think, just pointing out the inconsistency of changing your name.

boobi Im sorry but I don't understand your point. Yes DH and I have one surname in common. But he neither asked nor expected me to take his surname, nor did I expect or ask him to take mine. We don't share a first name but people still address envelopes to Mr & Mrs His full name.
It's rude to not call people by the name they wish to be known.

muddy snowdrop why is it inconsistent though? My name is Cassandra Johnson. It could be Ann Antelope, it would still be my name, not George Antelope.

Don’t “complain” just ask the school to address the letters in the style you would like.
I was told never to address parents by their first names but only use formal address. Which is fine except my contact list used first name, surname as primary contact and the secondary one as the other parent or cater. No mention if Miss, Ms or Mrs Surname was preferred choice or if secondary name was to be addressed differently. Very difficult to work out what anyone would prefer to be addressed by.

I get work invitations addressed to Mrs and Mr (my name) Schadenfreude.

I'm not married but This would piss me right off./We're living in 2019 not 1920.
I wouldn't even change my name on marriage. Not just because I'm proud of my name, but I'd forget and hear my new name and be thinking. "Who the Fucks that"

Years ago I was at a wedding and my place name card said Mrs (husbands first name) followed by my surname. Still irked by it but TBF have not come across it since

I have received invitations from friends addressing me that way. I didn't take my husband's name, so it is plain wrong. To be fair, this practice seems to be dying out. Only my two most backward friends follow this practice.

Correct in which way? It is 21st century and sexism isn't "correct". I am Ms Y Miller and my husband Mr P Smith. As long as men don't announce to the world if they are married, I won't either.

I have never corrected anyone on this. I think it says a lot about them.

*name changed

If you think being addressed by your husbands first name is annoying try being addressed by your sons.

After my divorce I kept my surname from my marriage because I wanted to have the same name as my children and that had been my surname for many years.

The only male in the house was my teenage son, let's call him John, and we would frequently get mail from a local furniture company touting for business addressed to Mr and Mrs John Smith. Obviously I couldn't exist unless attached to a male.

On a slightly different note, women who object to their surnames coming down the patriarchal line should do what my sister did, she changed her last and made an entirely new last name using our mother's first and middle names.

It really has never bothered me, but seriously - each to their own. We do get letters like that, and it’s more interesting as although me & DP share a surname, we’re not actually married.

Sometimes people are lazy when writing letters. OR they are computer generated. No one takes the time to check the name of the person they are addressing.

ps It is a formal way of writing.