To be angry that I was called a home wrecker, and that this is weird?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So a lot of people on here will know my story about my husband leaving me and keeping me hung on for months while he went straight into a new relationship with a woman a few weeks after Leaving me and she's pregnant and then he asked for me back. Anyway there a little back story

So he's not with her now, he asked for me back. Which is a cheek after he left me and saw me begging and crying when he left and he left me to bring up our 5 children

So this woman messaged my daughter from her daughters phone ( yes he introduced my kids to her a month after leaving me and allowed them to be friends and lied to me about who she really was and said it's his friend. Anyway the message read 'hi xxxxxx can you tell your mum to msg my mum on xxxxxxxxx as she has something important to tell her'
My daughter was confused because they don't know about this unborn baby or that she was actually his gf and not his friend so was confused. And I'm angry she used my daughter to get to me! This happened this morning. I didn't message her back as I don't want to be in the drama., although I am curious as to why she wants to message me.

I asked him why she thinks he has the right to do this and he said he doesn't know and she probably wants drama and that he can't understand why she would want to talk to me because she said she hates me and that she's called me a home wrecker. He said he told her she has no right to say that about me but I'm angry that this woman thinks I'm a home wrecker when I was the one who was left with 5 kids after a 14 year marriage. I don't want to be a part of their drama yet she's using my daughter. I didn't want to block that kid from talking to my daughter because the kids are innocent but I have had to block her from my daughters phone now.

youre believing ever4ything he tells you-hes not going to say oh shes a nice person really and wants us all to be friends is he

he wants u hating her andprob vice versa-it happens all the time and then one day you bolth realised you been lied to all along

the name thing doest make sense-u can still keep his name after you dvorce teres no law stopping you

@GabsAlot so I can still keep his surname even after I divorce him? I didn't know that.

I think In time I will contact her but not now. I've got too many worries and things in my
Life to deal with at the moment so I don't think I'm right to do that

@TakeTwoOfThat my parents split 10 years ago and my Mum still has the same name. She was also married before that and could use that name as well if she wanted.

You don't have to change your name.

Also, you're in control. If you want to contact her then contact her but it's upto you if you want too and when you want too.

Take the control back off him and her.

so I can still keep his surname even after I divorce him?
Yep it’s your name now if you want to keep it then it doesn’t matter if you’re married to him or not.

yep u can my sil still has her married name ten years after divorce u can keep it as long as u like

Thanks for that info, it would be nice to keep it so I can still have the same name as my children

"apparently she hates me because he asked for me back."

You are believing everything he tells you, when you know he's a liar.

If course he doesn't want you to talk to her, she'll tell you the truth.

Either way, your children will have a half Sibling and you need to decide if you'll keep his secrets or act in their interests.

Have you spoke to the children about the new arrival? Because they will find out and want to know why you haven't helped them to work through it, rather than concentrate on him.

@Birdsgottafly I've not told them yet. I'm going to pick a day this week and sit them down. It's going to be hard because I know they will be confused and be sad and worried. Their biggest fear ( coming from their own mouths and minds) when he left was 'what if daddy gets a new family'
And he's done exactly what they feared. I get him for it. He should have been concentrating on the kids he had before breeding with other woman.

Or maybe they will go the opposite and be excited 🤷🏻‍♀️ who knows

I guess I also have to be prepared for my own feelings later down the line as well because it's going to hurt like hell seeing all them go on family days out together when that was my family and what we did together. I guess a part of me is jealous that she's replaced me in our tiny family.

Hate him for it *

@TakeTwoOfThat

Divorce him ASAP and move on.

Forget the OW and ignore her advances to contact you, especially via a minor... Thats a minefield.

You are doing yourself and your children no favours by circumnavigating all the facts/lies repeatedly in your mind or on Mumsnet. Accept that its now your past. He is not your future.

Be honest with the children as it will be worse if they find out from someone else, especially if you aren't present at that specific moment to console them or answer any questions they may have.

Focus on your children and yourself.

Chin up and take care

I feel for you, have been in similar situation some time ago. I took the approach of always telling my children that they should love their siblings and not miss opportunities to be with them. He has now moved away with his ‘new family’, they are younger so need him more. 🥴.

Try and take some control, it has taken me many years to do this so I am not preaching! I would start divorce proceedings to get agreements in place re your children and family. I can almost promise you that you will feel better for it. It can be initiated easily without a sol (although I would never advise signing anything to do with children and money without a solicitors input) doing this paperwork and getting it sent to him might be cathartic?

Ignore her totally, ignore him as much as humanly possible.

In your shoes I would reconcile to get a house and then when it was secured, I’d throw him out. But, I am half Scots and hold a grudge. I also don’t know your financial situation, and whether this is feasible.

I would see a lawyer, get full custody and good maintainance, and only speak to him about the children. Don’t speak to her. She wants to contact you as a way to manipulate him.

Get counseling to deal with your grief and anger. Tell your children you are separating but don’t badmouth their father. Eventually they will see the truth.

Ask your soon to be ex to keep his relationship with her to himself, you’re not interested, and that going forward, your discussions will be restricted to his access to the children. Be civil for the sake of your children, but register your maintenance so that he knows you mean business.

Just coming back to this thread. Not had a good 2 weeks with my son being ill and having a fit! I've been worried about him but he seems ok now. @Halo84 I know what you mean, I've thought of all kinds of things and ways to get back at him but at the end of day the on person who will end up in the gutter if I did that would be me. What makes me the most angry is that he wanted to come back when I was at my lowest, after I begged him at the beginning to come back. And before he told me about this woman and her baby. So to me just shows I'm seen by him as a complete doormat because he thinks he can walk back through the door and everything we ok again when in reality that would never work. So I'm the door mat in his eyes. If I didn't get advice from everyone on here I think I'll be even worse because I have no friends I'm real life, my family are not competent to be advising me so it's a lonely life and I would probably consider all this to be my fault and allow anything to happen to me because I would just think it's normal
I've been with him since I was 17 and I'm now 31 so he's been my life and have never known any different

Is this now classed as harassment

How little side piece has got someone to send me a friend request on Facebook which shares her last name so I'm guessing it's her dad or uncle and she is on his friends list. Why is she trying to get in contact with me when I don't want to know yet she won't use the means herself she will get everyone else to do it for her. My kids dad already told her to not to contact me as it's not my business and I want to be out of all this get she's trying attempts to get into my life. I won't accept this friend request. She used her daughter to do her dirty work and now this man. Could I class this as harassing

It's not harassment but it is not nice.

Just block and ignore. Stay strong.

I don't think it would be classed as harassment in and of itself at this point. Harassment is defined as "repeated unwanted contact after being told such contact is unwelcome". I don't know what you've done in the past to stop her but I think for it to become harassment you actually have to tell her directly to stop contacting you and to stop having friends and relatives contact you for her. If she doesn't stop, it becomes a police matter. You'd have to also stop your DD from having contact with her DD. Your decision if you want to take it that far.

Potentially she doesn't have a Facebook account of her own and she presumably doesn't have your mobile number so tried via her Dd and yours. If you don't want to speak to her then don't, it's as simple as that really.

Thanks you to all of you

She does have a Facebook herself as I've seen it and she's on his profile friends list. I've already blocked her DD from my DDs phone, I had no choice and they were all upset but what can you do. She's deffo got a Facebook I know her name and everything and the kids shown me her page anyway. I just don't understand why she is trying her best to get to me through other people when my kids dad has made it clear to her I don't want to be contacted and she told him 'I won't do anything again' but clearly she has
I've not told him about this incident, I'm going to wait to see if this person actually says anything but won't be accepting their request
It's embarrassing, I bet her whole family know about me now

Just see what she wants to tell you, it might benefit you to know.

Don't feel embarrassed you've done nothing wrong. I wouldn't tell exh about it though as I think he's playing you both like a fiddle... Maybe she has something valid to say or maybe she doesn't? Who knows?!

It's because you haven't told her yourself. He's a liar. You know he's a liar, she knows he's a liar. Why would she believe him if he told her you didn't want to hear from her? I wouldn't if I were her. I'd figure he was lying because he was afraid of what we'd say to each other (ie, the truth about him). He's actually probably shitting plaid rabbits at the thought of the two of you getting together and swapping timelines and stories!

There are only two reason she's trying to get in touch with you. Either she wants to reach out and try to form some type of relationship for the sake of the children or she wants to ring a peal over your head because you 'stole him back'. (You didn't, but who knows what he's told her. Nothing good, you may be sure)

So, if you know you don't want contact with her, you need to send her a message saying "Please stop contacting me either directly or via third parties. I do not wish to have any contact with you. If you persist, I will consider it to be harassment and will contact the police. You are now blocked on all social media and other methods of communication. Do NOT reply to this message as I will consider it harassment if you do".

Whether or not this will shut down any future contact between the two of you, should you want the children to get to know each other, I have no idea. That's the chance you take.

Tbf there is every chance the family member took it on themselves to contact you - she can’t stop them.

My Bro in law cheated on my sister and our other sister started emailing him abuse- my sister asked her to stop as she was still living with him as has a daughter but she still did couple of times more then stopped.

Not saying the family member wants to abuse you just that they may be trying to act as a third party for OW or her daughter, without her knowing- if you don’t want to just ignore and block.

You can change Facebook settings so no one can request to add you only you can request others- maybe do this temporarily.

Maybe I just should tell her myself but the thing is this guy hasn't even messaged me, he just added me expecting me accept so I think it's Just to nosy on my page really. It's daft really because it's actually a business page for this relative of hers and she's liked all the public stuff he's put up and she's on the friends list. Does she or he really think I'm going to add a builder that I don't know or that i don't need. Maybe if I ignore her she will eventually come and talk to me herself and tell me what she wants. But I suspect it's because she wants to tell me she's pregnant and thinks I don't know.