To be angry that I was called a home wrecker, and that this is weird?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So a lot of people on here will know my story about my husband leaving me and keeping me hung on for months while he went straight into a new relationship with a woman a few weeks after Leaving me and she's pregnant and then he asked for me back. Anyway there a little back story

So he's not with her now, he asked for me back. Which is a cheek after he left me and saw me begging and crying when he left and he left me to bring up our 5 children

So this woman messaged my daughter from her daughters phone ( yes he introduced my kids to her a month after leaving me and allowed them to be friends and lied to me about who she really was and said it's his friend. Anyway the message read 'hi xxxxxx can you tell your mum to msg my mum on xxxxxxxxx as she has something important to tell her'
My daughter was confused because they don't know about this unborn baby or that she was actually his gf and not his friend so was confused. And I'm angry she used my daughter to get to me! This happened this morning. I didn't message her back as I don't want to be in the drama., although I am curious as to why she wants to message me.

I asked him why she thinks he has the right to do this and he said he doesn't know and she probably wants drama and that he can't understand why she would want to talk to me because she said she hates me and that she's called me a home wrecker. He said he told her she has no right to say that about me but I'm angry that this woman thinks I'm a home wrecker when I was the one who was left with 5 kids after a 14 year marriage. I don't want to be a part of their drama yet she's using my daughter. I didn't want to block that kid from talking to my daughter because the kids are innocent but I have had to block her from my daughters phone now.

its your choices of course.but when are you thinking of telling the kids.and how is he not hangin this over you all over again.becasue at some point it will come out.but you could be in control doing It sooner.how will it be easier if things settle down.it will only then add to the lies they've been told wont it.

he does genuinely want to be in the baby's life
Does he because from what you've said their is not one thing genuine about this man.

Ugh

I hope he stops breeding

He is a liar and a cheat. He will say whatever he thinks expedient at the time. Stop blaming her for his behaviour and hopefully she'll do the same for you.

The only home wrecker here is him.

You aren’t thinking straight

She has some information she wants you to know which he doesn’t

She has nothing to lose - only him

Ring her

His ego is enjoying having two women fighting over him. He feels like The Man

Disengage from it all, focus on your own five kids, just one day at a time. x

She has some information she wants you to know which he doesn’t

She has nothing to lose - only him

Ring her

This. I bet there’s a third person around you don’t know about.

he does genuinely want to be in the baby's life

Of course he does. That poor little child is a potential tool to manipulate and control BOTH you and his girlfriend.

Your husband is the home wrecker. He's playing you both like flutes.

Direct your anger in the right place, OP.

Why are some people suggesting she join forces with this woman? Her main gripe is with her ex I agree but it sounds like this woman was a 'friend' who was shagging her DH behind the op's back. Not someone I'd want to ally myself with.
Op I suggest you contact her, find out what it is and then cut contact with her and have minimal contact with him.

I don’t understand how you know all this detail? Why is your ex husband telling you everything about his ex girlfriends baby???

Do you not find this odd? The only conversations you should be having is about your kids and money!

STOP listening to his drama and then you won’t be ‘in’ it.

Personally I would contact the ex as she has reached out as I said she can’t be pure evil or she would have text your daughter everything, she didn’t she text to say please can you contact her it could be any number of reasons - maybe she is a completely horrible person to BUT you won’t know that till you speak directly to her and stop listening to the garbage coming out your EX’s mouth!

Of course she's a horrible person! I'm glad we no longer blame the other woman and see the husband as manipulated but surely this is going too far?!

Taketwo - the only way forward is to step back. Step away from the OW, and her baby. They are nothing to do with you - your kids may have a relationship with the baby, maybe not. That is also nothing to do with you - it will down to your cheating scumbag Ex to arrange and facilitate, not you.

Who cares what, if anything, she thinks or says about you? Nothing to do with you. You have enough to do with your own life without getting involved.

As for your cheating scumbag Ex, the only thing you should be dealing with him now, is the kids and the divorce.

Indifference is key. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I would tell them both to fuck off....then get on with my life and children.

Your Ex should not be discussing this OW and their baby with you. He needs to be arranging pick ups and drops offs and that's all.

You have nothing to gain by speaking to the OW as you'll never know what the truth is.

I'm starting to see that he's probably making a load of shit up. She calls the baby 'her baby' apparently
He wants to be in the babies life and help but she said she won't put him on the birth certificate because he's still married to me and doesn't the baby to have same surname as me, which i understand. She says one minute he can see the child and the next blocks me on everything and says he's having nothing to do with the baby.
He's horrible and treated us both so badly but he does genuinely want to be in the baby's life. But she tells him he has to 'prove her baby will not come last' before putting him in the certificate. But that's his business just as long as all the kids are treated as equal ( her baby and my kids)
Wouldn't want any of our children to come last

I fail to understand why you even listen to this crap! Just how does this type of conversation take place? With five of his children I'd think you have other things to discuss? Concentrate on them and not your ex DHs OW.

Do you listen and nod and agree a sympathise at what a bitch she's being?

Why would she need to give the baby your OHs surname because he's on the birth certificate?

OP- you can be as angry as you like with both of them. They are both guilty in different ways. This bollocks that people spout about the OW did not break your vows etc does not exonerate the whores from doing what they did.

They both lie, they both want to screw with your head and considering the shit you have had to deal with and 5 DCS youare doing bloody well.

Thing s like this throw you off the course you were slowly starting to sail and often get blown up into bigger than they should be.

She is a total twunt to involve a child in communication. A very low blow which as you know she is perfectly capable of. Trust not one inch - for the sake of your DCs mental state - block her on their phones and I hate to say it - it may well be time to have a very gentle chat with your DCS - time is marching on and they will find out. Far better than it blowing up in their faces ( I speak from experience here).

My DCS love their half sib but only after EXOW did the blow your minds explosion and I spent the next 6 months selling the fact that another sib was a great thing. Hurt me a lot but for them and their sib it has been worth while - we are 5 yrs down the line on this quest.

To be honest OP- you need to grow a stiffer spine, so far you have wobbled and believe me I get that but now the bitch needs to bite back. Not in a horrid way but - take charge, lead from the front and do not be reactive but pro- active. It takes the wind out of the EXOW sails and you start feeling stronger.

Believe me I know

Your all saying all this stuff to me and sticking up for this OW but how would you feel if it was you who was left alone with 5 kids and she had him in her bed in a matter LG weeks of him leaving me, to be lied to being told he's his friend when it was his gf, The gf met my kids, let my kids bond with her kids within weeks and she did not think about my kids and how I would feel being in the dark about who my children where with? She didn't give a shit that she was meeting my kids too soon. She didn't stop and think it was off for a Man to Abandon 5 kids and his long term marriage for her and she thought that was right? Because I wouldn't. Expecting to marry him by March so that means rushing our divorce without thinking of that impact on me or my children. No decent woman does this. They would wait to meet his children, they would wait till a divorce is done Before demanding marriage. And your all talking like she's this decent honourable woman. Of course I'll feel anger towards her when I was here struggling with 5 chickens begging him to come home and she had him in her bed. How would you all feel? Like my feelings are invalid but hers are justified.

I can't prove that she said these things or not, but she isn't perfect, she had sex with a man who was still married and had 5 kids within 3 months of knowing him and she would have known he didnt have a proper schedule for the kids and he didn't even live with her full time so who does that? What kind of woman gets pregnant from a 3 month relationship. Now my children will be affected by this this selfishness, yes mainly from him but she isn't blameless

Stuffed peppers you're a star. My dad had an affair when I was about ten. I blamed my mum and took it out on her. While making it clear she didn't like the ow and was angry with my dad, she kept everything civil and always reiterated that my dad loved me and their problems were nothing to do with him as my dad. I look back in awe at how brilliant she was. Fwiw they got back together and have just celebrated their ruby anniversary. They are wonderful parents and this imo was my dad's moment of utter idiocy.

Why are you directing all your anger towards her? Your last post is all about her and what she's done with barely a mention of him, yet it's him that cheated, him that betrayed you and your kids. I fear you are directing all your anger at her because you still want him. If that's true you are just setting yourself up for him to hurt you again.

No she's not op. I think the people suggesting you make friends with her are living in a rom com. Yes your main anger is with him, but she's a shit too.
I may have misunderstood, was she your friend prior to all this? I thought somewhere you said you'd been looking after her dc too.

No she wasn't a friend I never knew her ! He told me he knew her from work some years ago and then when he took the kids to the park ( surprisingly what a coincidence in the area she loves) he saw her on a whim and started chatting and taking kids out. They were taking the kids to a pub/okay centre thing within weeks of leaving me whilst I was alone at home crying over him. He took my son to her house one day and lied saying he was taking him to the local retail park, I only got suspicions when I founds stuff in my sons bag that I never put there and pointed to him being with a woman with other kids. He lied to me about where he took my son. And this woman stood back and allowed this knowing full well she was a stranger to my son as it was only a month or two of her meeting him. It's all bull shit about metering him from work! I just know it. Then after months he finally admitted it that he did take my son to her house. Just my son whilst my older girls were at school. That hurts me so much. I don't want to be friends with this woman, she has caused my children more heartache. None of you have seen he letters my child wrote to me even he left, their biggest fear is the thought of daddy having another child with another 'mummy' and that was honestly their biggest fear. She is selfish, she didn't think about the impact it would have on anyone. Every woman and man knows what a condom is, my children were planned in my marriage and I thought he was for life, he told me he wanted no more kids when were together and we took precautions to prevent a pregnancy. Then his woman who's invested nothing comes along after 2-3 months and gets pregnant by him. Did she stop and think of anyone? Yes he should have used one but she didn't enforce it did she.

Area she lives *

Put aside all the animosity and emotion. She and your DH have behaved very badly but ultimately there are at least seven children who are going to be impacted.

Take the power and control from your DH and communicate with her directly. Find a way to allow the children to have a relationship with each other as siblings without conflict. Tell her that you are willing to do that because the children are innocents even though you are obviously hurting. If she is looking to build a relationship for the sake of the children she will work with you. If she’s looking for drama then you disengage and know you at least made the attempt to limit the fall out on all the children from their fathers selfish behaviour. It won’t be easy but this way at least one of their parents is putting them first.

I don't think most of us want you to be her friend OP, there were a couple of comments like that and they're wrong imo.

However, all this is what he's done. He took the children there, he played a part in getting her pregnant, he cheated, he said things, he did things but you're blaming her for all of these things. She's not blameless however a lot of the things you're angry with her about, he's either done it or been 50/50 in doing it.

You have no idea what happened when your son went to her house, you don't know what he told her. You don't seem to be angry with him at all and she's getting all the blame, that's what I think people are picking up on .

@WhenISnappedAndFarted I've been angry with him since he left, I've spent months angry towards him but now it's all hit me that actually she's to blame as well. Too many woman jump into relationships with men that are still married and who have a large number of kids within that marriage. We were still all heartbroken and she must have known it was only weeks since he left me unless she's pretty dumb. If she was seeing him whilst he was still with me didn't she click that he only went there at certain times and would have been rushing back. She lives an hour away. I am certain that the night he left me he was with her. Because of the time scare it took him to come home and it makes sense now because it's an hour there and an hour back to where she lives from us. Didn't she wonder why he never invited her to his? That's because he was still coming to mine part time telling me lies!
Who tries to marry a man she's known for a few months ? And who is till married and still trying to sort out access and Money and practical things.

This says to me she was out for what she can get, she just wanted to marriage status to show off and a baby to trap him. That's why I'm angry at her because my Marriage meant more to me and I loved him and I invested all that time in it and she comes along and tries to dish my divorce

He's not with her now ( he told me) I'm not sure whether they will be back together on the future but why should my children be involved in this mess caused by two immature woman

She's a woman, a mother yet didn't mind creating this mess. She knew him a couple of months ffs!