To be angry that I was called a home wrecker, and that this is weird?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So a lot of people on here will know my story about my husband leaving me and keeping me hung on for months while he went straight into a new relationship with a woman a few weeks after Leaving me and she's pregnant and then he asked for me back. Anyway there a little back story

So he's not with her now, he asked for me back. Which is a cheek after he left me and saw me begging and crying when he left and he left me to bring up our 5 children

So this woman messaged my daughter from her daughters phone ( yes he introduced my kids to her a month after leaving me and allowed them to be friends and lied to me about who she really was and said it's his friend. Anyway the message read 'hi xxxxxx can you tell your mum to msg my mum on xxxxxxxxx as she has something important to tell her'
My daughter was confused because they don't know about this unborn baby or that she was actually his gf and not his friend so was confused. And I'm angry she used my daughter to get to me! This happened this morning. I didn't message her back as I don't want to be in the drama., although I am curious as to why she wants to message me.

I asked him why she thinks he has the right to do this and he said he doesn't know and she probably wants drama and that he can't understand why she would want to talk to me because she said she hates me and that she's called me a home wrecker. He said he told her she has no right to say that about me but I'm angry that this woman thinks I'm a home wrecker when I was the one who was left with 5 kids after a 14 year marriage. I don't want to be a part of their drama yet she's using my daughter. I didn't want to block that kid from talking to my daughter because the kids are innocent but I have had to block her from my daughters phone now.

@TakeTwoOfThat I highly suggest you have your thread moved to the Relationships board. You can do this by flagging your own thread and put in the comment box that you want it moved. The posters there are really good at long term support.

Thinking more and more now
He definitely was seeing her whilst with me.

He left on 19th June. On the 25th June it was my 12 year olds birthday. As one of her presents he bought her this half used ted baker Perfume and a anklet bracket from primark in a gift bag. I noticed it in his car once, and it took him weeks to give it to her. Now I realise this could Have been given by that woman's 12 year old and he just said he got it from a posh charity shop. It makes sense now. This is the sort of present a child will give to another child. At least I know she was the other woman and it was his choice to pick her over me. Makes me angry but at the same time makes me feel better that it's his fault and not mine and he just lies to me.

Why does she hate you?

Well I doubt she does hate you but she does have negative connotations with you.

He likely realised grass wasn't greener and she was aware of this and felt like in her mind you were the barrier to her being happy..

People will create any scenario in their mind to make themselves not be in the wrong.

She’s not the other woman though you werent even with your ex when they started dating. Yes I agree she should not have been involved with your children so quickly but that’s your exes doing more than hers. I doubt she forced him to bring the kids over more like he turned up with them and she didn’t send him away . You have no idea what he had told her. As far as you know she though you’d been broken up for months. None of this is really her fault. You absolutely do not need to be friends with her but the only arsehole in this sorry mess is your ex. Stop being played by him.

He left the op and went straight into a new relationship. Hmm what a coincidence.

Yes I know, but he sounds like a master manipulator and we really don’t what lies have been told to this woman.

@AhhhHereItGoes apparently she hates me because he asked for me back. I understand in her mind that relationship was real, I do think she rushed into it all and rushed getting pregnant within 3 months tho but I can see she wanted that to be longtime and he should have never have started a relationship with her if he wasn't sure what he wanted. The reason why she probably hates me so much is because she and grasp what he did to me. She can't grasp that a 14 year marriage with 5 children and a home is more than a a couple of months and in the months he left me he treated me really badly, given me hope by saying we will buy a house together for the kids sake and he was saying this stuff back in aug and she would have got pregnant in sept/Oct so I was being messed about whilst taking her out on dates. He kept me strung along, controlling contact with the kids and not providing financially. It is bizarre calling someone a home wrecker ( if it's true) when I was the wife and she was the gf. They had no home to wreck.

@gamerwidow then how come he left me in June and was out on days out with my kids and her in July ? You don't do that a month into dating. I am more certain now that she was the Ow

You shouldnt but he is obviously a massive arsehole who doesn’t give a shit about you or the kids so I can’t imagine introducing the kids to someone he’d known for less than a month would bother him in the slightest.

@gamerwidow people's minds obviously work different because If I met a man with 5 kids and he wanted to take me out with his kids a month after knowing him I would tell him no way let's see how we get on first. Weird

Yes I know I wouldn’t either but the villain here is still your ex. You can think what you like of her that’s your right and who is to say I would feel any differently but reserve your real anger for him you will need it!

To be honest I’m angry at him on both your behalf. If it wasn’t her it would be someone else. she’s not a siren luring him away he was on the look out for anyone who’d say yes.

1. You don’t know the lies he’s told this woman. He could have been telling her you’ve been apart for months. So she may not have jumped into bed with a newly single guy he could have been a guy she’s had a relationship with for months before meeting the kids.
2. You won’t know what lies have been told until you talk to her.
3. You may be married to the complete prick still but your days of wifework are done. File for divorce. You and your children need closure. If it’s not to do with the children cut him off completely. You don’t care what’s happening with this other woman. Not your monkeys not your circus.
4. Sit down and tell your children tonight- before they find out in the playground. Children are resilient and will understand.

Op isn't listening, folks

I am so interested in the story he gave her. I seriously doubt that she thinks you only split when he got with her. I wouldn't be surprised if the story was that you had separated years ago - no sex no intimacy but he had stuck around because of his children. His story about you was probably a woman who made him work two jobs to keep the family but wouldn't work yourself. You didn't care who he met so long as he paid the bills. He was such an amazing dad he often had to have his kids on his own after finishing his two jobs because you were out with your friends hence his kids being with him when he was dating her. Then when he tells you he has met someone else you 'changed your mind' and told him he wasn't getting with anyone else or you would never let him see his children. He had no choice but not to stay with her because he loves his children and you are being so difficult and using them against him. He has made an utter mess of your lives but you owe it to your kids to find out who is saying what to who, they are going to be so upset when they find out they have another sibling and all the lies and deceit.

Perhaps you need to figure out how you are going to manage him from now on and stop letting him manage you with bits and pieces of information. How he deals with his new child is not your problem its his and shouldn't be something he tells you about. His mess for him to sort. You should ask what he gains from sharing info the way he does - he certainly isn't thinking about how much it upsets you and it looks like there is a pattern developing where he's feeding stuff back to her too with the same theme - poor him. She might just have worked a few things out for herself and wants to know if you can confirm her suspicions.

Are you wanting to make this all ow's fault because then you can get back together with him? It really comes across like that.

The ow will not be a part of yours or you kids lives ever because they split up.

If your ex wants his kids to meet their half sibling he can arrange that. You really don't have to give it another thought.

Try to remember that your ex is a lying, cheating, manipulative piece of work. He will tell you anything so he has control over you. You are completely playing into his hands by focussing your anger on her.

"and in the months he left me he treated me really badly" - past tense?

Sounds like you still want to ‘win’

You have a failed relationship for whatever reason. Knowing it started before or after he left is irrelevant.

Let go of the hurt and disengage.
Start the divorce.
Arrange his time with the kids now before the other two arrive.
Look after yourself and don’t give them head space

The perfect revenge is being in control and moving in.

She wants you to know he's still sleeping with her as she wants him back. He's not worth you having him back. If you do: people have patterns of behaviour. He's done it once, his pattern is he will do it again. Also to him, having him back shows you will forgive him then too. I've spent years in a v male dominated industry, watching male colleagues do this to long suffering wives who 'don't want to deprive the children of their dad' . In reality, those children end up despising their fathers for treating their family as convenient backup when affairs fizzle out.

Oh TakeTwo, you are putting so much 'headwork' and mental energy into trying to figure out who did what when, who thinks what about whom, and what might happen down the road. You will never get over this until you just STOP IT. Because in the long run none of this matters one bit. It doesn't matter when he started seeing her, it doesn't matter when she got pregnant, it doesn't matter if she thinks badly of you. DOESN'T. MATTER. All that matters is that you work to get yourself over this and move forward.

And don't come back with 'it matters to me'. Yes, I know it does. And that's half of your problem right there. You should be focusing on your future and what you want for you and your children regardless of what their father chooses to do and how much time he plans to give them. Make your own plans.

I don't want to blame her really
The more I think and the more I write and hear in here just makes me see it's him that is to blame. Her behaviour is just a product of his actions. I can see that now. I don't want to 'win' anything. Nobody wins in this situation. He used us both for his own needs.
Today she was asking him why I never responded to that message. He said he's only told me because it involves me but he won't do it anymore. She said she tried talking to me because she wanted to be nice? And try and see if my children can be friends with her daughter again and some other random reason. She said her daughter was crying and really upset because I blocked her from my children's phone, I feel bad on that poor girl but had no choice I can't have her mother using our girls in that way

Today she was asking him why I never responded to that message. He said he's only told me because it involves me but he won't do it anymore. She said she tried talking to me because she wanted to be nice? And try and see if my children can be friends with her daughter again and some other random reason. She said her daughter was crying and really upset because I blocked her from my children's phone, I feel bad on that poor girl but had no choice I can't have her mother using our girls in that way

If it wasn't for the fact you had five children, I'd say you sound about 15 years of age!

Are you finding all out via text? Block him. Start the divorce proceedings and get maintenance started. The child crying isn’t your responsibility.

In all honesty, I would probably talk to the other woman. Why you ask, because of all things he doesn’t want this to happen. His lies to both of you would come out. He has been lying to you about her and has been lying to her about the two of you.

Why not take out the middle man, the man who lies about everything and clear the air? Will it be as awkward as fuck, absolutely. Will it help, I believe so. Do you have to be buddies, hell no. It will clear things up and help you see things for gets they are. You will know when things started. I am sure she could even send screenshots is needed.

Your children will forever be associated to her and their half sibling. I would clear the air as much as it sucks. Get it out of the way and get asshole out of the third party messenger as he obviously can’t be trusted.

It can’t hurt to do and you have nothing to lose by doing it. I wouldn’t tell him you are doing it either.

If you do get in contact be cautious and let her do all the talking.

I met the OW and she befriended me so she could find out what my ex was up to. In the end, every time he called and begged me back, I'd ring her and let her listen. For some reason she wanted to "win" his love for me. WTF? I sure as hell didn't want his love after I knew he'd cheated but she was desperate to win. Nowt funny as folk.