To be angry that I was called a home wrecker, and that this is weird?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So a lot of people on here will know my story about my husband leaving me and keeping me hung on for months while he went straight into a new relationship with a woman a few weeks after Leaving me and she's pregnant and then he asked for me back. Anyway there a little back story

So he's not with her now, he asked for me back. Which is a cheek after he left me and saw me begging and crying when he left and he left me to bring up our 5 children

So this woman messaged my daughter from her daughters phone ( yes he introduced my kids to her a month after leaving me and allowed them to be friends and lied to me about who she really was and said it's his friend. Anyway the message read 'hi xxxxxx can you tell your mum to msg my mum on xxxxxxxxx as she has something important to tell her'
My daughter was confused because they don't know about this unborn baby or that she was actually his gf and not his friend so was confused. And I'm angry she used my daughter to get to me! This happened this morning. I didn't message her back as I don't want to be in the drama., although I am curious as to why she wants to message me.

I asked him why she thinks he has the right to do this and he said he doesn't know and she probably wants drama and that he can't understand why she would want to talk to me because she said she hates me and that she's called me a home wrecker. He said he told her she has no right to say that about me but I'm angry that this woman thinks I'm a home wrecker when I was the one who was left with 5 kids after a 14 year marriage. I don't want to be a part of their drama yet she's using my daughter. I didn't want to block that kid from talking to my daughter because the kids are innocent but I have had to block her from my daughters phone now.

I was getting on fine and all this has stirred things up for me again. Even finding out that their baby was a boy a week ago crushed me aswell because I gave him his first and only boy. It's probably daft but that was a special thing for us. Then all this stuff with her saying this stuff has just stirred it up for me. I know I can't take 100% in what he's saying but can't completely rule it out and I don't want my children involved in a woman who says this stuff

How are you finding out all this if everyone is 'blocked' , you don't know them and you aren't back with him?

Too many woman jump into relationships with men that are still married and who have a large number of kids within that marriage.

Yeah, poor sod if she'd only not jumped into bed with him and got pregnant by him! I'm beginning to feel sorry for him. It's like some women think a man is able to take responsibility for himself and you know not sleep with women and take care of their own contraception..... it's all types of wrong!

OP stop talking to your ex about anything other than your children. He's a waste of space!

Indifference is key. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

As ciderhouse has said ^

OP - you can be as angry as hell with whoever you like!!

At the end of the day - you have to get on with your EX for the sake of your DCs. His lies do not help any situation. The hurt never goes away
you just learn to control it and put it away. This takes time and yours is still so raw and new.

Honestly, empower yourself and your children, it hurts and any total twat on here says you need to be friends with the OW is living in cloud cuckoo land. You don't - if you want to be angry with her - be angry but I learnt very early on, she was not worth the time and energy I was expending on her, as she and EX fucked with contact time and controlled my life.

My "moment" was when I booked a holiday for me and DCs, for 2 weeks, told them with 8 weeks notice and then they told me they ahd already booked. ( they had not!) 6 months before, I gave in to this scenario, lost a load of monies for them to go on holiday with the "new" family. Only time they ever did. Ex told me when he was picking them up and I had changed my flights to leave a day earlier - it was cathartic and changed my ability to control. Abuse, horrendous but the feeling of power and strength was immense.

you are letting them dictate your life still - the issue is the baby and they are both using it. Tell your DCS - they will cope and ignore her.

@CameliaCamelia

She blocks him, then unblocks him when she feels like it. He's the one who tells me this stuff, I don't ask for info. I guess he still sees me as the wife and wants to off load all this stuff on to me which isn't fair is it. I don't believe he's lying about everything. I do think she has said a lot of these things and he was trying to get her to put his name on the birth certificate when baby is born but she said she will put father unknown till he proves that their children together will come first. He tells me this stuff and also tells me he made a mistake with her and shouldn't have messed up anyone's life like this. Yes it's probably a sob story. I guess I'm still not over what he did and this week proved it, I'm still hurting but I won't allow myself to be hurt again by him. I kept dignified in it all, put my children first, stayed single so I could heal. They've messed up their own life and I won't allow my kids to be involved in this mess. They didn't ask for this.

I was getting on fine and all this has stirred things up for me again.

And he has realised that and not liked it.

He wants you where he can manipulate you - heaven forbid that you manage without him! He needs to be able to come and go as he pleases with both you and this OW, and that is why he's doing his best to tell you what she said (allegedly).

I think he's playing you both. She deserves to get shafted (though i feel sorry for her baby with parents like these) - you and your children don't.

You are still painfully raw, but try to step aside from anything that either of them does. Don't engage with her. Do as a PP suggested and block them on your phones - if he wan't to contact you he can write a letter. Don't engage with him about anything except your children and any finances you need to sort out. Don't listen to any sob stories. Your children need you to be strong, and he is breaking you with his cruel reports of what his tart has said, done etc.

She has behaved appallingly - he has behaved worse. Even if he came back to you and you let him, you could never trust him again.

I am not defending either of them, but do you know for sure she knew he was with you when they started seeing each other, your ex is a proven liar, could he have told her that you had been separated for a long time? You only have his (dubious) word for anything that's happened or been said.

*Who tries to marry a man she's known for a few months ? And who is till married and still trying to sort out access and Money and practical things.

This says to me she was out for what she can get, she just wanted to marriage status to show off and a baby to trap him. That's why I'm angry at her because my Marriage meant more to me and I loved him and I invested all that time in it and she comes along and tries to dish my divorce*

OP you need to wake up.
Look at your paragraphs. Look at your focus. Its on her.
Why? Let it the fuck go!
LISTEN CAREFULLY
He cheated on you. With a person. Doesnt matter if its a man or woman or young or old or pregnant or not. The person is not and should not EVER be a concern.
Yout problem is him and him only.
Stop listening to his bitching. Why the fuck are you giving this man any airtime at all?!
You're playing right into his hands by listening to his bullshit.
Stop this crap. Tell him you only want to talk about the children in terms of maintenance and/or logistics. Cut him off every time he starts to talk about the other woman.
Tell the other woman u want ZERO contact and one more attempt at trying to go through your kids and you will report her for harassment.

Cut this cancer out your life and refocus.

How much are you seeing of this man for the conversation to roll around to her and her pregnancy?

Should it not just be a quick 'hi' as he picks up/drops off kids?

How are you still spending so much time in his company?

He probably did tell her that we was separated a long time I wouldn't put it past him. the thing is, when I stalked her Facebook page when I first found out, she was apparently engaged to someone late may I think, my husband left me June 19th so if he was seeing her whilst with me I recon it was from beginning of June he was acting odd around that time. And he started taking kids out with her in July. In my opinion they both rushed from relationships to be with each other and she had two kids to think about, he had 5. I know he regrets leaving me and our 5 kids, he thought that grass was greener but it wasn't, he was living the same life he was with me except with her kids that were not even his instead of his own. I'm proud of myself, because I put my kids first and kept my pride whilst I was at it

Unless your ex lives in an episode of Dallas, it's almost certain no-one called anyone a homewrecker. That's a laughable, outdated expression that is only used satirically now.

Stop chatting to your ex. He has a huge vested interest in persuading both of you that you are enemies. His ideal would be to have you both available for sex when it suited him, and neither making demands on him.

@CameliaCamelia it's text messages

You do seem to be putting an awful lot of blame on this woman when in reality, you have absolutely NO idea what she actually knew then, or knows now, or has in fact said.

You do know your ex lies, and is devious and manipulative, and yet you still put more blame on her?

i think I'd cut HIM out, and speak to her (And so what if he finds out you talked to her, its none of his business what you do or who you speak to).

She may well tell you a pack of lies, but she may also clarify some details and remove some mystery and reveal HIS lies.

Well that's a lot of messages....why is he typing out all that if you are not replying....oh,wait....of course you are replying and asking questions and investing more of your time

Tell him no texts. Block him

Only text about the children. Stop being sucked back in

To be honest I want the truth, I want to know whether this relationship started when he was still with me. I believe this will give me closure. I asked him to be honest and he says he wasn't seeing her then. But I Need to know for closure.

2 weeks before he left me we were sat outside Tesco in the car and he said ' if I find someone more worthy I will leave you for her'

I guess that's what he did

I'm still in that phase where I think I've ruined my kids life like to made him leave and I didn't try hard enough. And I guess he's contributing to this feeling even now. As soon as I know for sure he was seeing her whilst with me, that's the book closed and I have say fuck off you, this is all your fault

You don’t need to be her best friend not at all!!!

She isn’t in the right, she is not a morally nice person but she is going to be the mother of your children’s half sibling and you can’t escape that, it’s not the child’s fault his parents are immoral arseholes!

This is ALL your husbands doing tho and you need to stop listening to him.

I take back contacting her your definitely not in that place so back off, take time to heal, do NOT discuss anything but practical things with him if he mentions OW stop engaging in the conversation.

When you are ready and on your terms you may need to communicate with her but right now your anger is directed in the wrong place and no communication with either of them is going to be helpful or constructive.

Your last few posts have revealed an awful lot.

Your ex sounds horrible and it gets worse and worse the more you say. What he said to you outside Tesco is disgusting and you deserve so much better than that. You were in a relationship with him and he spoke to you like that, you should have left him then and there. He sounds abusive.

Do you still love/have feelings for him? I really don't think you're over it which is why you're listening to him and angry with her.

Bringing up five children with a partner is difficult enough as it is let alone on your own. You've done nothing wrong, it's your your fault and you've not let your children down. It's all him.

I really do believe he's manipulating you both. She is in no way blameless but after everything you've said there is one common denominator in it all and it's him.

Have you ever spoken to her? All this information is coming from him. You say you want closure, you won't get the truth from him. I don't know if you could get it from her but if I were in your shoes. I'd speak to or email her. That's completely upto you however you may be able to work out some answers by what she says.

@dragonsfire I've decided I will never be the one to organise contact between her new child or my children. They are siblings but I don't think it's my responsibility to sort that out. Their dad can struggle with his work schedule and juggling 6 kids. I guess contact to mine and her child will be separate because obviously we all less different lives, but he won't control my life and contact with my kids Just to make her life easier. She works ( yes she earns extra gold stars for being a working mother when I don't, I've had digs about this ) so he will have the child whilst she works (which he never did for me in the 14 years he was with me) I guess so that will control my life because my kids will get the scraps of his time left over. He won't have enough space on the car for all kids at the Same time and she lives an hour away, so I don't know how it will work. He works two jobs, one is full time. So my kids will be hugely affected by this as he will spend all the time travelling to hers to pick their child up to come back and then have my kids so my life will be run on THEIR schedule. I think I'm the only one out of all of the thinking long term here...

He can see who he likes in his contact time with the kids......you know that don't you? No point tying yourself in knots over that because it's his call, legally

Also,with all the child support he will be paying, is expect him to drop a job and cut his hours

Where is he living now?

@CameliaCamelia yes I'm aware of that but what I'm saying is, he Will expect my life to run around his and based on his contact with her baby. And I won't do that, I have plans for my life too. I won't run it based on their kid and their life, so it means my children will hardly see their dad. He will be working and travelling time to pick and drop off that child will be 4 hours altogether in one day. My kids will be badly affected

You don’t need to be instrumental in any contact sorry if cane across that way.
I just mean it’s a shorty situation but there is a child coming.

As for her being a working mother so what her circumstances are different.

Don’t compare yourself and please just stop engaging with your Ex and his drama.

Don’t contact her but just be aware you will have to deal with the fallout of the kids finding out, even though completely unfair for you have to.

Get YOUR life and divorce in order- get your maintenance sorted and leave them to sort their stuff.

All depends if curiousity gets the better of you in the future to know what she wanted to talk about but it’s up to you to take control of this.

You need to tell your husband to stop offloading onto you. Anytime he starts talking about anything other than your children, tell him to stop talking as you don't want to hear it