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First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
WeeTinkerMonkey · 16/02/2019 12:20

Que0

And if that same man expected you to do all the housework, childcare, give up work, not get raises and promotions whilst on maternity leave and to give up your rights for men?

"Equality for all... Except when it doesn't suit us..or may cost us money.."

Que0 · 16/02/2019 12:23

Wee - well I don’t think that has much to do with it tbh. As it is, I am a SAHM, but I hardly think this equates to “giving up my rights for men.”

WeeTinkerMonkey · 16/02/2019 12:57

Course it is something to do with it.
It's all connected.

You can't expect someone to treat others as equals when you're treating them as anything but. Expecting someone to behave in a certain way simply because of the contents of their underwear is the definition of sexism, want it to end? Stop practicing it.

beanaseireann · 16/02/2019 14:16

Butteredghost
Your post is sad. Sad
You think men only pay for the date if the woman is attractive. Because you think you're not attractive you pay.
If they've asked you out they must think you are attractive. I wish I could suggest something for you to read or do to help your self esteem, perhaps another poster can be more helpful.

formerbabe · 16/02/2019 14:19

Men like equality when it suits them...ie saving half the cost of a Margherita pizza and a bottle of house white. Not so much when it means having to pull their weight with housework.

HelenaDove · 16/02/2019 14:29

YY @formerbabe The bloke i dated who went 50/50 on dates but also made it clear that if we were to move in together it would be a 50/50 split even though i earned a lot less also used to time me in his shower when ever i stayed the weekend insisting i only took 3 mins no more With my long thick hair that was impossible

The best bit was the Imodium idea so he wouldnt have to buy any extra bog roll.

Splitting the bill is no guarantee that a man believes in equality.

Id be happy to split the bill but after my experience i would be alert for anything similar to my previous experience

HelenaDove · 16/02/2019 14:32

And when a woman posts on here that shes being financially abused the usual suspects will pop up and say " Surely there were signs"

The woman blaming from some on here is subtle (but sometimes blatant) but it is there.

Que0 · 16/02/2019 14:37

WeeTinker - well I disagree with you because I think any man with half a brain can distinguish between good manners and being a gent, as opposed to chauvinism. Plus, if he doesn’t even treat you in the early days, imagine how useless he’ll be a year down the line.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/02/2019 14:40

If you don't want to see them again then split the bill, if you do then let them pay and you get the full bill next time .

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/02/2019 14:45

I work with two women and one is very attractive and has never paid on any date and one less conventionally attractive and has paid her way on every single one of her many tinder and bumble dates.

WinterfellWench · 16/02/2019 14:56

@Asta19

It’s been said before, MN is not a hive mind. I don’t know why people find it so distasteful when some of us say yes actually we would be more impressed by a man who paid. We are allowed to feel that way.

The same way some men would want to split the bill, some wouldn’t.

I won’t be told what I “should” be doing as a woman in 2019! I am my own person. And no i’m not convinced that women do have it better nowadays. Women have been able to have careers for many years now.

Only now women can’t do anything right. If they choose to be a SAHM, they’re considered to be “sponging” off another person, worse still if they become a single parent (often through no fault of their own). Yet if they work then they aren’t being a good mother.

All of this. 100%!

Also, I agree with @formerbabe ... Some posters on here are making out we are living in some 'feminist utopia.' We're not. And there is no such thing. And as has been said, many men will cherry pick the parts of equality that suits their agenda.

Many men who want to split the bill on a date want to do it to save money, NOT because they care about 'equality!' As formerbabe (and a few other posters) said, many men are quite happy to let their partner/wife do the lion's share of the housework and childcare, (often when she works too!)

People are living in cloud cuckoo land if they think most men give a shit about 'equality' and doing an equal amount around the house, and sharing childcare. Most men, if they can get away with it, will swerve domestic chores (and childcare duties.)

I am sure the Utopian few on here will come out with a few charming little tales though, of how the men in THEIR life are just wonderful, they go to feminist rallies with them, and they always share every household task and split the child care down the middle 50-50.

Yeah, that really happens in soooooooo many families! 🙄

Me personally, whilst I don't think it's fair that a man should pay on every date, I certainly think he should pay on the first, if he has asked the woman. (Which is often the case!) If a man asked me on a date and got a pocket calculator out and got us to pay for our own stuff (that we had consumed in the restaurant,) right down to the last penny; I would happily do so, but it would be the first date AND the last.

Couldn't be less romantic, and more of a turn-off. In my experience (and that of many women I know,) a man who starts penny pinching on the first date, is not going to be a generous, giving, loving partner who will support you through thick and thin. I would certainly not be marrying a man like this, and I would not EVER have children with him.

Don't give a fuck what ANYone thinks about this, or what you think about me. As a pp said, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and views, whether the radfems on here like it or not.

You can as sniffy and offended as you like that some women like a man to pay on a first date, and pour scorn on them for having the audacity to think differently to you, but it doesn't change the fact that others are allowed to think differently to you without being attacked, berated, and ridiculed.

Funnily enough, I have never HAD a man expect me to pay on a first date, and they always insist on paying. Maybe I have always attracted a better type of man than some posters on here. Grin

WeeTinkerMonkey · 16/02/2019 14:57

I think any man with half a brain can distinguish between good manners and being a gent, as opposed to chauvinism

So it only good manners to pay the bill?
So it's bad manners not too..

Oh but wait, does that only works if one has a cock and the other a vagina? Is it fine to have bad manners and experience to be paid for if you have a vagina?

Good for goose, good for gander.

Que0 · 16/02/2019 15:26

Er, Wee, you do realise that males and females can have certain different behaviours and still be equal? “Equality” does not mean “the same.” Dating is a particular dynamic. I have never in my life met or dated a man who wouldn’t want to pay on the first date, if not for most dates in general. And none of these men treat women with disrespect or have a ridiculous mindset. It’s too simplistic to think like that.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 15:43

You can as sniffy and offended as you like that some women like a man to pay on a first date, and pour scorn on them for having the audacity to think differently to you, but it doesn't change the fact that others are allowed to think differently to you without being attacked, berated, and ridiculed

Do you really lack such self awareness, that you can't see the irony in your post? You sneer at women who say they are in equal relationships, sneer at them stating that yes the men they are with or know do care about equality because they care about their daughters or partners, and then claim that people are allowed to think differenety without being attacked berated or ridiculed.

All I can say is your experience of men is they don't give a fuck about equality, to such an extent you can't even imagine that this isn't true for the majority, would it not indicate Your desire to have a man pay for you means you deliberately seek out the fuckers who don't care about equality and see you as so inferior you can't even buy your own meal.

Because there has to be a correlation. Women who want equality, who will pay for themselves in a first date, end up with men who treat them equally, women like you who want to be paid for, end up with the shitty ones who don't give a fuck about equality.

I'd think about that if I was you,

User10fuckingmillion · 16/02/2019 15:48

I would hate it. It’s like they are buying a ‘thing’.
Go Dutch all the way!

WinterfellWench · 16/02/2019 15:51

@Bluntness100

I don't need to 'think' about anything thanks luv. And I certainly don't need your silly 'advice.'

You keep convincing yourself that all the guff you're churning out is true though.

If it makes you feel better. Smile

Good luck though. You'll need it.

formerbabe · 16/02/2019 15:54

Women who want equality, who will pay for themselves in a first date, end up with men who treat them equally, women like you who want to be paid for, end up with the shitty ones who don't give a fuck about equality

Load of crap.

A lot of men who go Dutch are actually arseholes who think "well they wanted equality, they can have it"

WinterfellWench · 16/02/2019 15:55

One thing I HAVE noticed, is that the women who have been conditioned to think that men think of them as 'equal,' if they insist women pay their own way at ALL times, do NOT like it when other women DARE to have a different opinion to them, and think men should pay on the first date.

Says a lot about them to be honest that they are so angry and defensive about it. Deal with it ladies, and stop being so bitter. Wink

Some of us just attract men who like to spend money on us. Grin

WinterfellWench · 16/02/2019 15:56

@Bluntness100

Women who want equality, who will pay for themselves in a first date, end up with men who treat them equally, women like you who want to be paid for, end up with the shitty ones who don't give a fuck about equality.

Agree with formerbabe

What a load of shite that statement is!

You can't just make stuff up Bluntness hunnie. Doesn't work like that !!!

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 15:59

One thing I HAVE noticed, is that the women who have been conditioned to think that men think of them as 'equal,' if they insist women pay their own way at ALL times, do NOT like it when other women DARE to have a different opinion to them, and think men should pay on the first date.

It’s pathetic that you think women have been “conditioned” to hold that opinion.

I’m not bitter. I wanted to pay for my own stuff.

Why SHOULD men pay for a first date? What logical reason could there possibly be for that?

beanaseireann · 16/02/2019 16:03

Winterfellwench
I like your post at14.56.
Thumbs up from me.
If I ask someone out I'll pay.
If a guy asks me out I would presume he'd pay.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 16:07

It's illogical to say it's made up,

Thr poster said in her experience men don't care about equality. However she targets men who will pay for her.

The posters who say this is not their experience of men, they do care about equality, do not target men who will pay for them, but treat them as equals.

As such, it's thr only logical conclusion.

Felicia4 · 16/02/2019 16:09

Women who expect men to pay for them on dates and attempt to justify their behaviour by claiming to be ‘old fashioned’ or ‘romantic’ can’t then complain when men won’t treat them as equals at other times.
This is a very simplistic view of life. If you choose a man with integrity, maturity and a good heart, then he will treat you as an equal regardless of whether he pays for things or not.

ilovesooty · 16/02/2019 16:09

So a man who insists on paying when you'd rather split the bill is a better class of man?

And if you'd rather split the bill you're a radfem?

Goodness. Just when I think I can't read anything more stupid...

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 16:10

The nicest man I ever dated turned up for our first date with flowers, he held the car door open for me, and he paid for our meal and drinks. We ended up living together for 5 years and he most definitely did treat me as an equal. All chores were shared. He paid his fair share of household expenses. When i wanted to make a big career change he gave me a huge amount of emotional and practical support.

The dates I've had with 50/50 men...well they haven't turned into relationships as they've shown their true colours early on. And as pp's have said. Men who want to split the bill aren't doing it out of equality, they're doing it because they're stingy!

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