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Original poster

First date - should the man pay?

396 replies

Newbuild · 15/02/2019 13:59

Haven’t been on a first date in a long time but when I did I always offered to split it 50/50 and happy to pay for myself but actually I don’t think I’ve ever been on one where he hasn’t insisted and eventually paid.
Watching first dates (the programme) and she completely writes her date off because he didn’t offer to pay for their meal. So wondered what was ‘normal’... do you expect the bloke to pay or go Dutch? Would you judge him if he didn’t offer?

OP posts:
Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:23

Yes and I as a woman would like a date where the man pays for the first one! I’m not asking him to support me for life! But just as you choose to want to pay, do I also not have the right to have the preference not to pay? I would never ever just sit there and expect it. I always get my purse out ready when the bills comes (or as above buy my share of drinks) but yes I like a man to say that’s ok it’s on me tonight.

Que0 · 16/02/2019 17:25

Bluntness - what people are saying is that yes, they would offer to pay. Of course they would. But they would be less than impressed if the man accepted. That’s all. But if some women think paying for themselves is more liberating, then they are free to hang out with such men who expect / prefer this because no doubt there are plenty of them.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 17:29

If course you have the right to go out with men and sit there hoping he will pay.

It strikes me that the women who want the man to pay, have no control over the situation, all the comments are about, him wishing to split the bill, him making you pay, him wanting to pay, there is no, this is what I want as your equal. However I guess it's hard to say what I want is you to pay because I'm a woman and you're a man, so there is no option but to hand control to thr man,

What's being said by others who don't want this, is we do wish to pay, we are in control and we make the decision and we proactively pay. We do not wait for thr man to make it for us. On subsequent dates we will likely take it in turns, but we wish to be in control, and set off on an equal footing. So it is our decision. Not his.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 17:31

then they are free to hang out with such men who expect / prefer this because no doubt there are plenty of fhem

Or if you chose not to be nasty about it, you could say we would hang out with men who would happily pay but accept and respect our decisions that we wished to pay our share.

Que0 · 16/02/2019 17:33

No Bluntness, women do have control, because you are clear about your expectations from men and they fall short, then you’re at liberty to not see them again. Can you not see this? Also far less likely to drift into a relationship with a man who isn’t right for you or holds different values. It’s about knowing who you are and what you want.

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:34

That’s fine but you’re trying to somehow say the rest of us are “wrong” in our views. Ultimately it’s a difference of opinion. You like it your way, I like it my way. Allowing a man to control whether he pays on the first date is hardly giving him free reign to treat me like some kind of slave for the rest of my life. It’s just a nice gesture (in my eyes). And yes, in my experience the men who have offered to pay initially have made better boyfriends/partners. Your experience has been different. Fair enough. But I can only go by my own experiences.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 17:38

That’s fine but you’re trying to somehow say the rest of us are “wrong” in our views

You haven’t come up with any logical reason that a man should pay because he has XY chromosomes. I can’t respect the opinion of someone who reinforces old fashioned gender roles like that. Those sane assumptions about what’s a man’s job and how a woman should behave have limited wonen for centuries.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 17:39

No Bluntness, women do have control, because you are clear about your expectations from men and they fall short, then you’re at liberty to not see them again

I clearly said they have no control over who pays on the date if they want thr man to pay.

And as I've been with my husband a long time, and have enough female friends, then my experience is the man who respects your decision, is the one who makes the better partner. Not the one who ponies up on the first date.

Que0 · 16/02/2019 17:43

If you don’t get it Purple or it makes you anxious / uncomfortable, then I’m not sure it can be explained to you really.

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:44

I don’t need to come up with a logical reason because it’s a preference!! I am not trying to win any argument! I prefer a man to pay on the first date. Call that what you will. I don’t care! Some women prefer to pay their half, good for them. No skin off my nose. But I have my own preference and you can’t say a preference is “wrong” because it’s not a fact to prove or disprove.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 17:44

I can’t respect the opinion of someone who reinforces old fashioned gender roles like that

This is my issue with it, you pay because you're a man and I'm a woman. A myriad of reasons have been put forward as to why a woman would wish to pay her share on a first date, thr reasons for wishing to have the man pay are

He's stingy if he doesn't
It's a nice gesture
He must fancy me if he does
It's a good indicator he might wish to pay for me to be a stay at home mum
It must mean he's generous and will support me financially

All of which are toe curlingly embarrassing.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 17:45

Don’t be so patronising. Biscuit

I’m not anxious. I’m not uncomfortable. I’m angry that wonen keep reinforcing man as provider, little woman needs paying for role.

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:46

To you Bluntness. Not to the rest of us. Oh how you must love being the perfect example of a modern female.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 17:46

But I have my own preference and you can’t say a preference is “wrong” because it’s not a fact to prove or disprove.

It is a fact that if you act on your preference, it reinforces gender stereotypes. That’s bad for all women.

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:47

In your opinion. I couldn’t care less.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 17:48

In your opinion. I couldn’t care less.

I don’t respect you so why would I give a damn about that?

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 17:49

If you don’t get it Purple or it makes you anxious / uncomfortable, then I’m not sure it can be explained to you really.

I'm clearly not purple but I will respond. I don't get it makes her anxious, but maybe uncomfortable, I personally find it uncomfortable that women still act like this in this day and age.

Personally I understand fully the reasons, but I would not wish to be that person, nor have I raised my daughter to be that person, I raised her to be a strong independent female who pays her way, who makes her decisions, who takes control, and associates with people who will respect her decisions.

So if you want men to pay for you, then so be it, but don't expect other women to respect you for it.

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:51

Oh no purple doesn’t respect me, let me run off and cry! I respect myself enough that the opinion of an internet random doesn’t bother me.

CallipygianFancier · 16/02/2019 17:54

Man in his mid 30s.

I'd probably try to pay for a first date, whether actually I do or not is going to depend on the reaction to that. "Well ok, but I'll get the next one" is probably my preference there, but if she reiterates wanting to go 50/50, I don't have any real issue with that. Would appreciate a clarification of "let's do it again sometime" or similar if the 50/50 isn't meant to be a subtle "thank you, but no" to further meetings, but that's largely because I'm pretty rubbish at interpreting hints anyway.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 17:55

I would also add, as well as not expecting women to respect you for it, you also shouldn't expect men to respect you for it either,

Asta19 · 16/02/2019 17:56

To be 100% honest Bluntness. The way you and purple have acted on this thread, I wouldn’t want your respect. You both come across as if you think you’re morally superior over such a stupid little thing. It’s your way is the only right way and the rest of us are putting back women’s rights 50 years. It’s ridiculous.

Que0 · 16/02/2019 17:57

Purple and Bluntness - dating, sexual attraction and relationships are is not something which people should have to explain. It’s personal and between two individuals. You can’t tell someone what they should or shouldn’t prefer or how they should feel, just because you don’t live like that. And you can’t inflict your concept of what constitutes equality into everyone else either because if people simply don’t feel that way, then they don’t care.,

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 17:58

It’s not a stupid little thing. It’s hundreds of stupid little things that add up to keep women from true equality.

Would you describe yourself as a feminist?

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 17:59

It’s your way is the only right way and the rest of us are putting back women’s rights 50 years.

How does that work then?

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2019 18:00

Well I do think that expecting a man to pay on a first date, is setting back women's rights, it's re enforcing. Gender stereo types that so many women have fought to shatter. Yes it's small, but it's just death by a thousand cuts isn't it.